Lockjaw (Joshler)

5. Attention

Wait to start the song.
***Trigger warnings for mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts later on in the chapter.***

Josh waited until the lights came on in the cellblock the next day to read his little sister's letter. He kept putting it off because he wasn't sure if he was ready to see what Abbie wanted to say to him. Maybe he just was afraid of disappointing her when he wrote back. He didn't know how to interact with her. He didn't know how to interact with anyone.

Still, he slid the letter out of the envelope as the other inmates in the rest of the prison were probably going to eat breakfast. Josh's would come to him though, so he made his bed and sat on it while he opened his letter. It was relatively thick, a few pages long. There was a drawing strategically tucked amongst the pages, so Josh decided he wouldn't look at it until he'd read far enough into her letter. His hands were shaking so hard that he couldn't read the words on the first page, so he set the pages down on the bed in front of him carefully before tentatively absorbing the words his youngest sister had given to him.

Joshua,

I think it's really important to start off this letter by telling you that I forgive you for what happened to those people and that I know you didn't hurt anyone on purpose. I believe you. I trust you. I love you.

That was as far as Josh got before tears blurred his vision. He wiped stubbornly at his eyes with his palms. He didn't want to cry. He wanted to read this. This was the first time in an extremely long time that one of his siblings had actually taken the time to fully write something out for him instead of tucking pictures and a few words into an envelope and dropping it into the mail. He wanted to give her his full attention.

Josh looked up when his cell door was unlocked. It was Hoppus who brought in his breakfast, which he probably wouldn't eat anyways. Even though Hoppus knew that, he set the tray down on the bed next to the letter.

"What you got there?" Hoppus asked curiously.

"My sister wrote me a letter," Josh replied, slightly relieved that Hoppus was here now. "I'm kind of scared to read it. I haven't even talked to her for years. Ashley said she's like I was when I was her age. She wants me to write back, but...."

Hoppus understood without Josh having to finish his sentence. "You won't ruin her or make her do what you did by writing back. I think not writing back would do more damage."

Josh sighed, looking at the letter again. He swallowed hard before picking it up and holding it out to the guard. "Will you read it first?"

Officer Hoppus's eyebrows raised, but he took the letter carefully. "Sure." He handed Josh his tray. "Eat while I read."

Josh eyed the lumpy bowl of grits in front of him. "Do I have to?" He asked as Hoppus sat down next to him.

"You do," Hoppus replied as his eyes scanned the first page.

The anxiety thrumming through Josh's veins distracted him from the actual taste and texture of the food he was eating. He felt kind of sick, but he wanted Hoppus to keep reading. He wanted to know before he read the letter if it was going to reveal to him that he'd destroyed her life or anything. Hoppus smiled slightly as he read though.

"She looks like you," Hoppus commented.

Curiosity won out and Josh sat forward to look at the letter. Abbie had taped her school photo into the letter. She looked so much older. Her hair was much redder than anyone else in their family's, and her eyes were rimmed with far too much black eye makeup. She could pull it off though. He could still see the little sister he remembered in the picture in front of him. He smiled even though the picture made his chest ache.