***Trigger warnings for suicidal thoughts, mentions of abuse, mentions of pedophilia, mentions of sexual assault, mentions of violence, and mentions of self harm scars.***
Start the song. It's i love you by Billie Eilish.
Frangipane didn't uncuff Josh this time when he sat down in front of his mom, mostly because he didn't even give her a chance to. He just kept his hands on the table, looking tiredly at his mom as she launched into the lecture he'd already expected to spill out of her mouth.
"You hit a guard?" His mother demanded before he was even fully sitting. "You broke an inmate's nose and hit a guard. What the hell were you thinking? You aren't thirteen anymore, Joshua. This isn't middle school. You can't just hit people whenever you feel like it and get a slap on the wrist. They could decide not to even reassess your case and just keep you in here for your full sentence. They could extend your sentence for this! I am beyond disappointed in you. I can't believe you would do something this stupid! Do you have any idea how irresponsible you're being?"
She paused as if she was waiting for Josh to respond, but he just stared tiredly at his hands. Everything was numb, yet his thoughts were racing so fast that they were roaring in his ears.
"Are you even listening to me?" She snapped. "Are you comprehending the severity of this situation, Joshua? This is serious. This is the difference between you coming home and-"
"Why are you here?" Josh asked tiredly, making his mom fall silent.
"I-What?" She stammered out, looking surprised. "I'm here because you hit-"
"No, I know what I did. I was there. I'm just confused as to why that's grounds for you to come visit me. It sort of seems like this is the drop off point," Josh replied, still not looking at his mom.
"The drop off point?" She asked, still too confused to remember to be angry with him.
He nodded, shrugging slightly. "Yeah. You know, since you've spent the last eight years visiting to let me pretend I could go home someday and be okay. It seems like you get to stop pretending now because, you know, you're right. I get that now. I'm not coming home. I was never going to come home. I'll serve my full sentence, maybe get out when I'm eighty, maybe die in here. Who knows, right? But I'm not going home. That was never really in the cards, and you knew that. I just didn't realize you knew that until today, after I broke that asshole's nose."
All of the colour had drained from his mother's face. "What are you-?"
"You never really thought I'd come home," Josh simplified, finding no anger or hurt inside of himself as he said the words aloud. He looked at his mother finally, and she looked like she was going to be sick. "That's why you don't tell me stuff. You didn't have to tell me you and Dad split up or anything like that because it's easier just to keep me in a bubble that doesn't cross over into your new life."
Tears were filling Josh's mother's eyes as it sunk in for her that he knew. He knew she'd been keeping secrets. He knew what some of them were. He knew that she didn't have any interest in being his mother anymore.
"I was just your free trial kid before you got the three good ones. It's fine. I get it. Your trial's up. We're at the drop off point. You can stop wasting your energy coming in here and pretending you still want to be my mom. It's fine. I'm a big boy now. I'm in a big boy prison with a big boy sentence. I don't need you like Ashley, Jordan, and Abbie do."
"Joshua, you don't-" His mother began weakly, her voice breaking.
"Maybe you should be spending less time coming in here and pretending to care about me when Abbie needs you to be out there actually looking out for her. She's not gonna end up like, and you and I both know that, but she doesn't. She's terrified she's gonna get kicked out of this family too, and I'll never fucking forgive you if you let that happen to her because she's a good kid. She's the best fucking person in this shitty family, and you treat her like she's gonna turn out like me. If you wanna be a good mom like you're clearly trying to convince yourself you are, stop pretending with me, and raise that kid who actually has potential because I have nothing left to give you. This is the best it's gonna get for me. I know that. I accept that. The sooner you accept that, the sooner we can stop having these stupid talks where you sit here for fifteen minutes, lie to me, tell me I'm a fuck up, and leave."
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Lockjaw (Joshler)
Fanfiction"This is how it often goes, sold into captivity so long ago. This is how it often goes. God knows I would know." -Mothers (Lockjaw) As awful as it sounded, Josh's favourite letters were the ones that came from people who, for some reason, thought he...
