***Trigger warnings for a panic attack, PTSD, self harm, mentions of pedophilia, and mentions of past sexual assault.***
Start the song. It's No, It Isn't by +44.
Anxiety resurfaced for Josh after breakfast, and Frangipane couldn't soothe it. Josh kept glancing at the cell door, paranoid that the man with blue eyes would come through it and beat the shit out of him-or worse. Once again, Josh was curled up into a ball on his bed, flinching away from anyone who tried to touch him and fighting to keep his breathing steady. Only Frangipane's hands felt safe to him until Hoppus was called to the suicide block.
Frangipane's fingers were soothing through Josh's hair as she whispered to him again and again that he was safe and that no one could hurt him here. Debby tried to talk him through the waves of panic wracking through his already exhausted mind. Nothing was helping though. Frangipane's hair was too close to the blue of that man's eyes, and Debby's voice was too hard to focus on when he couldn't breathe.
Just when Josh thought he was going to pass out again, Frangipane's hands left him, and his dad's face swam into view. Hoppus hushed him like he was a frightened child instead of a grown man having a panic attack, and his hand rubbed Josh's back softly as he whispered out, "Shhhhh, I'm here. I'm here. I'm right here, buddy. Don't cry. It's okay. Shhhhhh. I'll never let anything hurt you. Shhhhhh. Deep breaths."
Josh sobbed, finally breaking free from the cocoon he'd made for himself by wrapping his arms tightly around his torso and refusing to move them. He held a shaky hand out to Hoppus, who held it steady in the hand that wasn't rubbing Josh's back.
"Thank you for being brave enough to trust me even though you're scared," his dad whispered to him gently, still rubbing soothing circles on the center of Josh's back. "I'm so proud of you."
It was then that Josh became hyper-aware of Hoppus's blue eyes. His panic was instantly amplified, making his thoughts begin to spiral. This was a trap. Hoppus was the person that man knew on the inside. He was trying to trick Josh into feeling comfortable so he could make him vulnerable. Josh yanked his hand out of Hoppus's, flinching away from the hand on his back as he started to hyperventilate again. Hoppus looked to Debby in surprise when Josh shot off of the bed, cowering in the corner of the cell behind Debby and wrapping his arms protectively around his head.
"What happened to him?" Hoppus asked worriedly.
"I don't know," Frangipane replied shakily. "He was totally fine all morning, and then he just started getting paranoid about the door, and then he was panicking and couldn't talk."
Debby seemed especially concerned now that Josh was coming to her for protection instead of Hoppus or Frangipane. She seemed to be trying to read the situation for clues as to what set him off, but coming up empty. She carefully sat down on the floor beside him, allowing herself to create a slight barrier between Josh and the people he suddenly wasn't so sure he could trust.
"This all seems really overwhelming for you," she acknowledged gently. "Is there one thing in particular that's making you feel like this?"
Josh sobbed helplessly, remaining hidden beneath his arms as he stammered out, "b-b-bl-b-buh-blue."
"What about the colour blue makes you feel so overwhelmed, Josh?" Debby asked him gently, not forcing him to leave the safety of his arms or corner as she spoke.
The only response Josh could manage was a coughed out sob. He heard Hoppus clear his throat though, and he knew his dad-if he really even was that-was piecing things together.
"Fuck," Hoppus whispered. He looked at Frangipane, who protested when he started to shepherd her out of the cell. "It's blue. It's the colour blue. He's still on edge from McCarthy, and the colour blue is triggering him. McCarthy has blue eyes. So do I, and Frangipane's hair is blue. It's too much for him right now. We need to get a different guard in here. I'll get Blackett. He's the only one who's not going to freak out if he sees Josh having a panic attack. He'll understand."
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Lockjaw (Joshler)
Fanfiction"This is how it often goes, sold into captivity so long ago. This is how it often goes. God knows I would know." -Mothers (Lockjaw) As awful as it sounded, Josh's favourite letters were the ones that came from people who, for some reason, thought he...
