Lockjaw (Joshler)

44. Key

***Trigger warning for a panic attack.***

Start the song. It's Comfort by Julia Jacklin.

Seeing Josh had become the only thing Tyler really ever thought about. It was a reason to get up in the morning, a way to turn the pain of what Jenna had done into a genuine exchange of kindness and support between two people who didn't really have anyone else to lean on. Josh felt like family. He felt like home.

Maybe Tyler's eagerness to get out of the front door and to go see Josh was the reason he was too distracted to realize there was someone on his porch. He didn't notice until he was practically crashing into her, apologising profusely as he caught her before she could fall off of the porch and into the snow that covered the lawn.

"Shit! I'm so sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. That's my bad. I'm so sorry. I...." Tyler's words trailed off when his sudden panic collapsed onto the frozen cement in front of him, rapidly being replaced by a heavy numbness that squeezed his chest tightly. "Jenna, what are you doing here?" He asked quietly, feeling sick as the words left his lips.

Jenna's freckled cheeks were pink from more than just the cold. She seemed to be just as taken off guard as he was, sputtering for a second before she could even speak.

When she recovered, she held her hand out and told him a bit shakily, "I forgot I had a spare key in my car. I thought you'd be at work, so I was just going to leave it under the mat and text Tatum to let you know it was there. I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd be home. Why are you home?"

Tyler blinked, his mouth hanging open stupidly as he struggled to recollect his thoughts despite the anxiety, anger, and outright grief that were all fighting for control over his body. Jenna shifted nervously, glancing at her car as if she wasn't sure if she should wait for him to take they key or if she should get the hell out of dodge.

Finally, Tyler managed to say, "I'm leaving now."

Jenna nodded slightly, looking both hesitant and concerned. "I'm sorry for just showing up. I swear I didn't think you'd be home. You're never home at this time. I figured-"

"I really have to leave," Tyler stated, having to force his voice to refrain from trembling as he spoke. A panic attack was building inside of him, and he didn't want her to see it, didn't trust her to be there while he was vulnerable.

Jenna cleared her throat, immediately stepping out of his way. "Right. Sorry. I should go too. Um, sorry again. Have a good day."

Tyler was struggling to keep himself calm. All of his energy was being directed toward stabilising his breathing as Jenna took his hand and set the key inside before turning to leave. He didn't realize he hadn't moved until Jenna stopped halfway to her car and looked him up and down worriedly.

"Ty?" She asked softly, and he knew she could see right through his attempts to stay calm. Of course she could. She'd seen him break down at least a thousand times. She knew the signs. "Ty, you aren't breathing. Do you need to sit down or something?"

Tyler's face felt hot as he shook his head stiffly. He stumbled backward toward the front door, turning around and opening it when he felt the cold wood beneath his fingertips. He was going to explode. He was going to break down completely any second now, and he definitely wasn't going to do that on his front porch.

"Ty?" Jenna repeated, sounding even more concerned than before.

Tyler was inside though, so he closed the door tightly behind himself, kicked his shoes off mechanically, dropped the key thoughtlessly onto the floor, and stumbled inside until he could collapse onto his couch. He covered his face with his hands as the breakdown hit, tearing a strangled sob out of his chest. Once the first tears began to spill over, there was no stopping the inevitable flood that followed. He didn't know how long he sat on his couch, holding his head in his hands as he sobbed his throat raw. It felt like he'd just caught her with that other guy for the first time. It felt like coming home to find Kennedy with someone else day after day without knowing how to make her stop. It felt like there was something so wrong with him that no one could ever really love him-not for long at least.