Lockjaw (Joshler)

37. Contract

***Trigger warning for symptoms of PTSD, survivors guilt, and mentions of sedation.***

Start the song. It's My Eyes by the Lumineers.

Lack of sleep, stress, and overall anxiety left Josh feeling pretty lousy the next day. His dad sat on the floor beside his bed, soothing Josh's hair back off of his forehead and trying to coax him out of bed. Josh's breakfast sat untouched and cold on its tray beside his dad, but Josh was too drained to do much more than tiredly watch his dad as he tried to make him feel safe again.

"What if all you have to do today is eat breakfast? Can you try that for me? I'll even feed you so you don't have to move. I won't make you get out of bed. Let's just do one thing, okay?" Hoppus tried gently.

Josh didn't even have the energy to shake his head. He just stared at the floor. Every muscle in his body ached like he'd just run a marathon, and he was so tired. All he wanted to do was sleep, but he was too afraid to even do that. Blue eyes lived behind his eyelids now, and so did the knowledge that he was the reason those eyes were smashed to pieces. He didn't know how anyone could sleep with that on their conscience.

"Would it help to see your mom today? She could even bring Jack if you want," Hoppus bargained hopefully, but Josh just blinked tiredly. Hoppus sighed, soothing his fingers through Josh's hair again. "Okay, buddy. I'll let you rest a little longer, and we can try again at lunch, okay?"

Josh closed his eyes so Hoppus wouldn't see the tears gathering inside of them. He listened to his dad gather up the tray of uneaten food and set it outside of the cell to be picked up later. He wanted more than anything to just tell his dad what was going on inside his head so his dad could help him fix it, but he didn't know how to say any of it. This was probably what Tyler had felt like before he went to the hospital as a kid. It was miserable.

Josh could only keep his eyes closed so long before another pair stared back at him through the darkness though, so his eyes opened again when Hoppus sat down in front of him again. Hoppus winced a little as he sat down, which made Josh feel even guiltier because he couldn't bring himself to move or tell Hoppus to sit in his desk chair instead. He was practically catatonic, and he couldn't help it.

The most Josh could manage was to let out a quiet exhale and to restrain himself from flinching when the heavy weight of a hand came to rest against his shoulder. Hoppus's blue eyes studied his carefully.

"Can you try to sleep?" Hoppus asked gently. When Josh didn't close his eyes, his dad sighed. "Josh, buddy, this is two nights without proper sleep when your body and mind need rest to heal. The warden said if any inmates go three, we have to let a doctor medicate them. I don't want you to have to be sedated."

Josh didn't want to be sedated either, but he wasn't sure if he'd be able to sleep without that at the moment. He couldn't calm his mind no matter how tired he was. It took all of his energy just to shift slightly closer to Hoppus in his bed. Hoppus seemed relieved by the movement though. Maybe he thought that was a step in the right direction, but now Josh just felt even more sore and drained than before.

"Hey, there you go," Hoppus praised carefully, rubbing Josh's aching back gently. "Good job. Do you think you can try to talk to me a little bit? Tell me if you need something?"

All Josh needed was sleep, but that clearly wasn't an option right now. Part of him wished his birth mom would give enough of a shit to come visit him or to let Abbie visit him without sending in Andrew, but he knew that wouldn't happen. Another part of him wanted to talk to Tyler, even if it was just on the phone or reading another letter from him. He didn't feel like a convict when he talked to Tyler. He'd felt safe when Tyler was here yesterday. He hadn't even stuttered. That wouldn't happen though. Tyler had seen what a freak he was, and he wasn't coming back.