I looked up to see Jimin at the entrance of my office. I was so deep in thought I didn't notice he was calling me.
"I did the rounds, you got the Library to yourself tonight!" He half smiled at me, pushing his black hair back, out of his face like he usually does. A tall figure stood behind him.
"Chim let's go we'll be late." Tae teased Jimin by calling him by his fake name he used to use. Jimin playfully elbowed Tae in the abdomen.
Tae cut his hair short after the Rebellion disbanded. His hair color matched his eyes when they were red.
"You'll be okay being alone for the night?" Jimin asked me. He knew today was a difficult one for me since it's the anniversary of Hoseok's passing.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. You two enjoy yourselves!" I faked a smile to ease Jimin's worry. I knew Tae was also concerned though, he doesn't show it easily.
They both hesitantly left me. I heard them leave the building, locking the doors behind them.
I sighed and stared out my window, watching the rain hit the glass. It's been six years since I lost Hoseok. I try hard everyday to keep myself busy, to keep my promise to him but these days, cyborgs are more integrated and accepted by society. I feel like the library is often empty and no longer a place for cyborgs to take refuge. I'm glad that there's no need for that, it means humans are finally used to us now. But I can't help but feel like my promise has been fulfilled.
What am I supposed to do with myself now? lately, I've been seeing Hoseok as if he were standing right in front of me. As if he were alive, and then like a glitch he would disappear.
I guess I like to torture myself to the point of hallucinating that he is still alive. Now, whenever I feel like I'm going to see him I try to do something new to keep myself busy. I looked down at my notes I was so focused on just a few moments ago.
I've been trying to figure out what my next steps should be. The last thing I did was create a way for us cyborgs to physically feel which was a hit for most of them. I would try it myself, but I prefer to feel nothing. I have implanted the system within myself, but I keep it turned off. I already have too much pain in my mind to deal with and the numbness is comforting at this point in my life. losing one of my senses just makes my life easier.
The first point on my list is to change something about my physical appearance. Maybe changing something about myself will help me feel like I'm trying to move on. Trying to be a better me.
I grabbed my pen to scratch it off the list because it felt so pointless to do but I hesitated. I could use a walk anyways...
I stood up and put on my long leather coat before I could change my mind. Hoseok wouldn't want me to just give up on myself.
...
The lower levels of the city, though more dangerous, always fascinated me more then the rest. It has so much character, rich in diverse culture and intrigue. I also loved how the rain never stopped people from being outside. It's also always dark here because the buildings are so tall they block out the sun. So, the only light source is that of the neon lights. Gloomy and yet colorful at the same time.
I was walking for about an hour looking at shops trying to decide what I wanted to do when a green neon sign with the shape of scissors caught my eye. Not giving myself a chance to talk myself out of it, I walked into the shop.
Instantly, I was greeted by a frail looking woman. After asking me what I wanted and not really having an answer she just sat me down and told me to relax.
She began to dye my hair which made me a little nervous since I prefer it being pale, but the color turned out to suit me better then the blond. She made it a deep silver and gave me an undercut, styling it so that my bangs weren't completely in my face. In the light it shined but naturally it looked like a dark cool toned grey.
I felt... Good.
Maybe changing my hair shouldn't make me feel this good. Thinking about it more makes me feel a bit embarrassed, but it's been so long since I did anything for myself.
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The next place I went to is some clothing stores Tae had recommended to me ages ago.
I didn't really think about what I was buying I just tried to not think too much about my purchases. He was right though. The stores suited me, everything was dark in color.
When I left the last store with a bag full of new items I could wear I was distracted by a ringing sound.
I looked around and realized no one else was reacting to it. Then, I saw him.
Hoseok, his human self with black hair, the form I last saw him as. He was staring at me from within the crowd not getting wet by the rain.
I closed my eyes and shook my head. When I opened them he was gone.
I don't want to see him, to feel this guilt. Not today of all days.
My walk back to the library was uneventful thankfully. I locked the doors behind me and headed to my office.
I need to change something in my life so i can feel like i have purpose. I could go the easy route and hack for people again.
But the thought of hacking makes me think of JK01. He passed away from the disease in his brain a few years ago. Which was a relief but thinking of him still brings uncomfortable anger.
I just need to start with baby steps. I'm kinda proud I at least did some things tonight. Its a small start but a start nonetheless.
I entered my office and saw all of my papers to have fallen onto the floor. I looked to my window which is wide open. It wasn't open when i left. Then I heard something out of place.
A whimper of sorts.
I looked to the floor under the window and a woman in nothing but a drenched hospital gown sat curled up. She was drenched from the rain outside. Her hair wavy, even when wet. Half of it midnight black and the other an electric blue. Her hair was long and stuck to her skin.
Flashes of me being curled up the same way when Hoseok found me in my mind shocked me.
