The Return

Chapter 13

Her words stayed with me as I sat on my bed. I didn't even notice that she had left to go to a new apartment.

"Stay strong.... Don't let them treat us like objects...."

Those were the words he asked me to keep. I promised. I fulfilled the part where cyborgs are more accepted, and I thought I was staying strong.

But I've been weak this whole time. Yeah, I haven't stopped working, but I haven't really been living. Instead of experiencing the life I was lucky he gave me I have been numb to it. Not taking the risks I should be taking. Not moving on.

"Funny it took her to tell you what you already knew for it to make sense."

I looked at the couch.

Hoseok was sitting there. The sunlight outlined the shape of him. He was smiling that warm smile.

"You're not real..." I said like I usually do.

"I am in your mind" There was no sinister feeling this time. Usually I feel stressed when I see him. This time it just felt... nice.

"I don't understand how I'm feeling. None of it is entirely logical. She just shows up here, and I barely know her but I feel..." I placed my hand over my chest.

"Love isn't logical." His smile brightened.

Love... is that what this feeling is?

"Look at Tae and Jimin, they love each other even though at first it wasn't logical. They told you how they got together, and you were so confused as to how they could still want to be with each other. How it was even possible for Tae to have had feelings for Jimin even before they formally met, when he was human, in that dance studio."

I remembered what he was talking about. We were out drinking, talking about love and other things.

"You never understood it because you naturally think too much and try to rationalize the irrational." Hoseok turned to look at the fading sun.

"So, what am I supposed to do?" I felt lost. I don't understand what I'm feeling.

"How did she word it? 'Do what YOU want to do.'" He looked at me. "I don't make decisions for you. I fought for you to live. You're behind the wheel. You always have been."

"What if I get hurt..."

He looked at me again. "Could it be any worse then what you've already been through? Life is supposed to hurt so that the moment's that are good, are memorable, that's what keeps you going. Gives you purpose."

I looked to my hands. It's seams becoming more apparent. I felt very self conscious of my body. I unblocked my nervous system, allowing myself to feel fully. It was overwhelming but after some time I was beginning to get used to it. I looked back to the couch, but he was gone.

...

"You're right..." I told her, feeling overwhelmingly vulnerable.

"I've been avoiding my pain and my guilt all these years, and then you come along, and I'm all messed up and confused."

"What are you trying to say?" she was as confused as I was.

"That even though I barely know you I want to help you. I want to protect you. I want you around. You've made me realize how bland my life has been. How I haven't really been living, I've just been existing."

I wanted to run away. Expressing my emotions was never my strong suit. I felt like I was just talking away and not making any sense.

"Even if we figure out what's going on and we find out your past life, I still want you to be a part of mine..."

Was that too much? I mean it was the truth, but I might be overwhelming her. She doesn't really know me very well either. I just couldn't stop myself. Like a water dam with a leak everything flows through.

She looked to be speechless.

Yeah, I've said too much.

I headed for the door. I just wanted to leave my embarrassment behind.

She got in the way of the door and smoothly moved into my arms. Fully feeling her was overwhelming. She rested her cheek onto my collar bone and wrapped her arms around placing her hands on my back.

"I want you to be a part of my life too..." she said so softly.

I completed the embrace, holding her close.

This...

...Is what I want.