Bad Blood

17.

I don't know how he managed it, but he lifted my into his arms and carried me out of the woods. I buried my face into his shoulder and clung onto him. I could feel the wetness of his blood dripping onto my arm as he limped. Though we were only a mile from my house, it must've taken him hours.

'I'm going to ring the police.' He whispered.

'No.' I sobbed. 'Don't.'

'But Gracey, we have to. They can't get away with this.'

'No one can know. Please, don't let anyone find out. Not even Gran.'

'Ok.'

We entered the house silently, passing the living room door where we could see Gran sat up watching telly. We both held our breaths as Dans feet made the stairs creak. She was too en grossed in her programme to notice. Without me even asking, we straight to the bathroom. I needed to get out of my clothes and wash away the blood and dirt. And the feeling of disgust.

He helped take off my blouse, bra and skirt and the remains of my tights. As he got to my knickers, stained red, he looked at me for approval. I didn't care. The worst thing that could ever happen had happened and I was too weak to care anymore. He carefully pulled them down and I stood there naked in front of him, my head hung in shame and crying. He held me against him, rubbing the bare skin on my back.

'I am so sorry.' He whispered into my ear.

He turned on the shower and helped me climb in. My legs could no longer hold me up and I sat down under the stream. I turned the thermostat higher, wanting to burn my skin off, and then sat down. He helped me scrub the dirt from my legs, arms and face. He washed my hair and rinsed it clear. He sat down besides the shower, holding my hand as I continued to cry, the water washing away the tears.

I was exhausted. I could feel myself falling asleep. He turned off the shower after a long while and draped me in a towel before lifting me out and taking me down the hallway to my room. There, he got me dressed and towelled my hair dry.

He lay me down on the bed and tucked the quilt tightly around my body.

'Stay.' I whispered. He locked his hands behind my back and held me close to his chest all night. I would drift off to sleep only to wake up in a panic, remembering what had happened. The entire night I had slept a whole hour.

When the sun had risen, I gave up any chance of sleep. Every little move I made was painful. My whole body was sore and stiff. I pulled myself out of Dans grip and sat on the window ledge, looking out onto the front garden and the street further ahead. The birds had begun to sing and I could hear the milkman's van in the distance. How was it everything seemed so normal but my life had stopped? Just this time yesterday my life had been good. I had my career to look forward to, friends who actually seemed to like me, and Dan. This beautiful sleeping creature taking up my bed. Finally, after years, we had decided to be together. I still had those things right then. But I didn't want them anymore. I wanted to get as far away from this God forsaken place as I could. Away from everyone. Him included.

I could hear Martins words ringing in my head. Louder than the sound of Pete and James laughing. Louder than the sound of his zip and his satisfied laugh. 'You were the one who told us you were bringing her here to get her drunk and shag her.' Did he lead them to me on purpose? Had this all been a sick plan concocted by the gang? Maybe even from the very beginning of him confessing his love for me? All so he could lead me into the woods, to our special place, to have sex with me? I didn't want to believe it, but did I even know Dan anymore? Since he'd been friends with his bullies he hadn't been the same Dan I once knew. But was he capable of doing something so evil?

I knew there was just one way out. I couldn't live with this memory or this feeling deep down inside me that I was now tainted. I was marked. Martin had hurt me physically and mentally but he had taken away a part of my soul. And I could not go on.

I picked up the razor from my wash bag, took it all apart and discarded the plastic handle, leaving just the blade.

'What are you doing?' I heard him ask. I opened my eyes and saw his face fill with horror. 'No!' He yelled, jumping up and tried smacking the blade from my grip. 'Gracey, no!' But I held tight onto it and pointed it at him.

'You knew, didn't you?' I growled.

'What? No!' His skin was black and blue, his face, arms and bare chest. His lip was cut and his eyes swollen.

'You knew they were following you there and what he was going to do...' Just when I thought I didn't have anymore tears to cry, still they flowed.

'No! That's not true. I didn't know-'

'Get out.' I whispered. He tried to approach me, holding his hand up to protect himself from the blade.

'I'm not going anywh-'

'Get the fuck away from me, or I will kill you.' And in that moment I truly meant it.

'Please, put that down. Please? You have to believe me.'

'Get. Out. I swear to God, Danny. I trusted you...I trusted you....' And the weight of what had happened hit me. I had been beaten and raped and it had been his fault. He might not have done it, but he had caused it. I dropped the blade down to the ground and I crumbled down with it. Dan quickly picked it up and attempted to comfort me. I kicked him away. 'Get out. Now.'

'No, I'm stay-'

'GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. I WISH YOU WERE DEAD. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.'

'Gracey, what's going on?' Gran appeared at the door, disturbed by the sound of my screaming. Her eyes darted between me on the floor and Dan stood holding the blade. 'I suggest you do as you're told. Go.' Gran warned him. His eyes pleaded with me to explain to her, but I covered my head with my arms. I heard him run from the room and then I felt Grans arms around me. Instantly, my plan of not telling anyone evaporated.

I told her everything. About Dan and I, about Martin and about Dan leading them to me. Me, who had been there for him through everything, through the bullying, through his depression. I had given him everything and he had taken it all away.

He rang and he messaged me non stop. I took away the secret key from under the mat so he couldn't let himself in. He threw stones at my window. I sat at the bottom of the stairs as he banged on the front door. He'd been there for hours. He peered through the letterbox and I could see he'd been crying. But not as much as I had.

'Leave me alone.' I screamed. Gran once again saw him away.

I couldn't go back to school. The last week of my last year at school. There would be no prom. There would be no leavers assembly. And I was glad. I never wanted to set foot in that place or see another face from there again. I had to get out of there. I couldn't stay here any longer. But I wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they'd killed me. I began applying for colleges elsewhere, anywhere. The idea of seeing him everyday and knowing he lived so close scared me. He wrote me letters every day over the summer, but each one was torn up and thrown away.

It hurt so bad that I would have to move away from my Gran. But I couldn't stay. I packed up the last of my things and looked at the empty room that had been my home for 12 years. All the memories. Good and bad. This was the only home I'd ever felt safe in. And I was about to move away, alone, into the big wide world. No sixteen year old should have to move away from home to the other side of London but what choice did I have?

Something caught my eye on the floor in the corner of the room. I thought I'd got everything. I had my bag of clothes and my bunny bear, but my films, music, bedding, would all be driven on to my student accommodation by a neighbour. I pulled it out from under the nightstand and smiled sadly at it. It was of me and Dan when we were six years old. I put it in my pocket. I knew what I had to do with it.

Gran and I said our tearful goodbyes on the platform. She was so devastated for me. She had promised to come visit me and I said I would be back when I felt stronger. I waved at her as I boarded the train, scared and wondering about the future. The train pulled away and I didn't even look out the window. I stared down at the photo of Dan and I for a few minutes, before tearing it up and throwing it into the bin. That part of my life was over.