Bad Blood

20.

Much like the night when I'd first bumped into Dan, I ran from the venue. The street on which the building stood was empty, except for a few early drunken revelers. Only this time he came running after me, calling my name.

'Where are you going?' He yelled. I slowed to a jog, out of breath, but continued away. I needed to get away from there, from this situation. I passed a dozen coffee and clothes shops, all shut for the night. 'Please stop!' He was clearly fitter than me, because he caught up by the end of the road, gently grabbing my arm. I shook him off but he got in front of me and blocked my path.

'Let me go.' I demanded meekly.

'Whats going on? Are you alright?'

'No, I'm not alright. But please just leave me.' I panted. I put my hands on my knees and leant forward, sucking in precious air. And also avoiding his gaze. I didn't want to have this conversation now. I didn't want to have it ever. I just wanted to run away and hide from my problems. Like I always did.

'I'm not leaving you out here like this. What's happened?'

'Go back inside Dan, you've got a gig to do.'

'I don't care. It can wait.'

'I'll speak to you later ok?' I lied. There was no coming back from this. I knew what I had to do, and that was cut him out of my life again. I couldn't be friends with him. There had been too much happen between us. I needed to move away and start afresh. Again. I'd been plodding along with Dan for a few months now, trying desperately to ignore that the nightmares had got worse, that every time I looked at him I could see his bloodied face and pretend that he hadn't caused all my suffering. And to top it all off I think I had fallen for him. I was so torn between hatred, guilt, admiration, nostalgia. So many feelings all fighting for dominance. The only way I could break free from the riot was to run.

But he had taken my hands in his and wouldn't let go. He stared at me, right into my eyes, making my knees feel weak. Did I even have the strength to turn away from him? I wanted to. But I didn't want to.

'Let me go.' I whispered. He shook his head.

'I can't lose you again.' He said in a whisper as loud as mine had been. What was that supposed to mean? I didn't know how to reply. But I got my answer a moment later when his face drew closer to mine and our foreheads touched. 'Please don't run away again.' I closed my eyes and a heavy sigh left my chest. His left hand came up to the back of my head, his fingers tangled in my hair. I hadn't been this close to anyone since...there it was again. The past was always there.

'I can't do this.' I admitted.

'You can. Talk to me. Tell me what's going on.'

'I can't...you won't understand.'

'I want to understand. I know that what happened to you still haunts you. But we can get over it. We can do this together. I want to fix you.' I opened my eyes and returned his gaze.

'No one can fix me.' A tear rolled from my eyes. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to be beaten by my emotions. His hand, locked with mine, came up to my face and gently wiped away the tear.

'I can try.' He uttered so quietly I barely heard him. His lips touched mine so softly that it felt as though a feather had brushed against them. I just stared at him. It felt like minutes but it was probably just a moment, while my mind raced and tried to decide what to do next. This was the deciding point. I had to chose right then if I wanted to do what I did best and run away. Or I could dive head first into the terrifying unknown. This man stood before me had once been where my future was held. All those plans we'd made and dreamed of, they could still be mine.

'Go back inside.' I told him.

'Gracey...' He pleaded. I shook my head and squeezed his right hand.

'I'll wait backstage.' I told him. I could see the relief wash upon his features.

'Promise me?'

'I promise.'

'Cross your heart and hope to die?' A sly smile played upon his lips.

'Cross my heart and hope to die.' I confirmed. 'Go. Now.' I broke our connection, stepping back and dropping his hand. 'Go.' He flashed me a grin and I watched him sprint away back to the building a few hundred metres away. I just needed to catch my breath and think. I wasn't sure I could do this. But wasn't it worth a try? Hadn't everything I'd ever accomplished all been scary to begin with? Meeting Gran for the first time. Moving away on my own. Starting college in a new town. Getting my dream job. At first it had all been nerve wracking. But I had done it. In fact, I had so far survived everything that life had thrown at me and I think it was safe to say that I'd had more than my fair share. Did I not deserve a little happiness?

I was let back into the venue a little while later. I'd stayed outside for a bit, sitting on the curb throwing stones at the curb opposite. Why couldn't someone make these choices for me? I had enough money to pay for someone to do it. Surely that job existed out there?

And then I sat in the dressing room, the distant sound of Dans voice creeping through the air. I felt nervous and excited. This was the first time I'd felt butterflies since I was fifteen. That week me and Dan had been together. I remember the excitement from when he'd first kissed me. When he'd blurted out that he'd loved me all along. If I could just cling onto that feeling, I could do this.

And then it was as though someone had muted the room. The singing stopped and was replaced with a high pitched drone. That must've meant they were finished on stage? I played with my fingers and bit my nails. Everything was about to change. Again. We would no longer be best friends. Would we be boyfriend and girlfriend? Was I massively overstepping the mark and thinking too far ahead? How would this even work? I didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone. I was doubtful that I could cope. I was beginning to freak myself out. I couldn't do this.

But it was too late to make a break for it. The door opened and in came the four boys and various members of the crew, all with beers in hand and cheering loudly. I felt like a rabbit caught in headlights as I sat in the sofa in this tiny, claustrophobic room, suddenly full of people. Dan smiled at me but I just shook my head and stood up. The exit was blocked. I could feel a major panic attack looming over me.

'Whats wrong?' He came right over to me, but thankfully didn't hug me. That would've been sensory overload.

'I need to go.' I told him. He nodded.

'Ok. Hang on. I'll come with you.' I didn't want him to come with me, but he was my only way out. He picked up his rucksack from a pile in the corner. 'Guys I'm gonna get Grace home, she still doesn't feel too well.'

'Oh that's a shame.' Will said. 'Hope you feel better soon.' I didn't even reply as Dan led me out the room and into the fresh air. We got into the car park and I leant against his car, my head and arms on the roof. The metal felt cool against my skin. I concentrated on breathing. In. Out. He rubbed my back softly. Which surprisingly helped.

'Shall we drive?' He suggested. I nodded. I just needed another minute to calm down. I just needed to get my thoughts in line. We had kissed. Well it wasn't a kiss, it was more of a brief meeting of lips. He had begged me not to run away. And we had agreed to talk. That's all it was. No one was about to be locked into anything.

'Ok.' I sighed and emerged from my little cave. I shook my hands and I let out a little roar, shaking the dread from my body. Dan chuckled slightly and I couldn't help but smile. Did he even know what he was letting himself in for? We got into the car and rode in silence through the deserted streets. I didn't know where we were going but it didn't matter. I felt at ease as he drove. This was the feeling I craved. To feel like everything was being put miles behind me. I didn't know if he knew. But he'd done just what I needed.