Bad Blood

31.

We waited in the hospital all night for an X-ray. I couldn't think of a worse place to be right then. And with him. I needed to get away from him for a while so my mind could process all the information that had filled it in the last few hours. I found myself falling asleep on the plastic waiting room chairs, high on painkillers and exhausted from crying. Dan offered me his shoulder to lean on but I declined. I couldn't as much as glance at him without feeling a mixture of sadness, anger and fear.

Once my leg had been set in a cast we were allowed home just in time for sunrise. He pulled the car up outside my house.

'Do you want me to come in?'

'No. I just need some time. Please don't ring or text me. I'll tell you when I'm ready.'

'Ok.'

He helped me out, handed me my crutches and waited for me to go inside before he drove away. I shut and locked the door behind me, hobbled straight up stairs and collapsed into bed. I fell into a lovely long sleep and had sweet dreams where nothing was wrong and no one was a murderer.

But the moment I woke with hunger pains, the weight of the situation hit me like a tonne of bricks. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't be with him knowing what he'd done. I understood why he'd done it but it didn't make it alright. No amount of reasoning made it any better.

The days went by slowly. I was in a daze. It didn't help that having a broken leg meant I couldn't get out to the cinema to see the films I'd planned on reviewing so I had nothing else to focus on. And there was no one I could share this with. Olivia had come round to show me the scan photo of her baby. I was so happy for her. All her worries about Woody being angry were unfounded. They were each looking forward to their impending parenthood.

'So what happened to your leg?' She had laughed.

'Fell down the stairs.' It wasn't a lie.

'Whats up with Dan? He's been in a right mood with everyone. Are you guys ok?'

'We sort of broke up.'

'Oh, how come? I thought things were going well? Wasn't he moving in?'

'Yeah, we sort of fell out, it doesn't matter.'

'Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I bet you'll get back together.'

'I don't know.' I shrugged. I could tell she wanted to know why, but I couldn't tell her and she didn't push the topic.

A month had passed. I couldn't ignore the fact that I missed him desperately. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to lay naked in bed with him and listen to him humming. I longed to see his smile. But I was scared that if I saw him I wouldn't feel the way I used to. I just knew I couldn't be with him anymore. I just didn't want to admit it. He had respected my wishes about not contacting me.

I'd gone through the box of photos and letters he'd sent me when we were teenagers and I'd collected from my Grans house, and began reading through them. Most of them expressing how sorry he was and how he just wanted to talk. I didn't know why I did it, because all that happened was I felt even worse than before. There was no denying he loved me and he would never hurt me intentionally.

But the one that got me the most was the last one he'd sent.

'To my beautiful Gracey. I miss you so much that it hurts. I hate not seeing you everyday. I hate not hearing your laugh. I miss being with you. I know you never want to see me again. But you need to know that I have always loved you.' I could see tear stains in the ink. My own tears fell onto the paper too. 'I hope one day we will meet again and I promise I will protect you. I failed you. And I will never forgive myself. I will love you forever. Your Danny x'