Bad Blood

28.

'I didn't get the job.' I sad sadly as I met Dan in the pub with his housemates. It had been a long three week wait to hear and I'd received an email that morning telling me I'd been unsuccessful. He greeted me with a hug.

'They'll be other, better, jobs.' He told me surely. I couldn't pretend I wasn't disappointed. I'd gone from wanting it, to not wanting it, and then after my audition I'd wanted it badly. But I could only focus on the fact that I already had a lot on my plate right then. I had my freelance and my boyfriend to concentrate on. And now Dan and I were an official couple and I couldn't stop myself from smiling. Hadn't everything slotted together perfectly? In just a year my life had done a u turn. And a very much needed one. It was only looking back that I realised how sad and lonely I had been. So tortured by my past and determined to let it rule me forever. My only regret was not letting Dan back into my life sooner. I would've saved myself a lot of pain.

Even though it was incredibly soon, we had spoken about moving in together. It wasn't like he was home often and when he was he was always at mine anyway. I was slightly apprehensive, only because I'd never lived with a guy before. From everything I'd heard and read, boys were messy. And Dans room at his shared house was pretty bad. So the plan was that he'd slowly bring his things over so it wasn't as much of a shock for me.

The next biggest shock was Olivia ringing me in tears. Before I could get a word out of her, I thought something had happened to Woody. Dan read the look of fear on my face as I excused myself from the table of Dans friends to go outside and speak to her in private. He came with me and was holding his head to my phone too.

'Calm down. Calm down, Olive. What's happened?'

'I've ruined everything.' She sobbed.

'Why?'

'I'm fucking pregnant and I can't tell him. I can't do this.' It probably wasn't the reaction she'd wanted, but I sighed with relief. Dan shook his head with a sly smile on his lips, kissed me and headed back inside. He knew this was a woman's problem that he couldn't help with. I just hoped he didn't go telling his friends and word getting to Woody.

'Ok. Why can't you do this? Have you spoken to him?'

'He won't want a baby with me. Why would he?'

'Why not?'

'Jesus, I work in a shitty bar, I'm not clever, I'm not like him at all...I think I've trapped him and I didn't mean to.'

'Look, I know you're probably scared and a bit confused, but I'm sure if you talk to him you can come up with a plan ok? Everything's going to be fine Olive. You'll be fine.'

'How do I tell him? Hi honey, how was your day, by the way, I fucked up and forgot to take the pill and were having a baby.'

'Well probably not like that.' I laughed and I heard her lighten up too. 'Just come out and tell him. Do you want me to get Dan to talk to him?'

'No and don't tell him either. Look, thanks for helping and sorry for bothering you.'

'Hey, you've not bothered me. Ring me in a bit ok? Take care.'

I hung up and let out a sigh. Bless her heart. She had sounded so scared and upset. I couldn't imagine how it would feel to find out I was pregnant and I wasn't sure how Dan felt about it. But then, actually, Dan had mentioned having children one day. So I knew it wouldn't be the end of the world for me.

As I walked back into the pub, I slowly realized I couldn't remember when my last period had been. It had been such a crazy few months, I'd just not kept track of the days. It was easy to forget. I felt the panic rise up in me. I needed to get home and check my calendar. Despite the thoughts that had occupied my mind just seconds before, I was worried. The idea of a baby and the very real possibility of a baby were two different things.

'We need to go. Now.' I whispered in his ear. He didn't argue, quickly drank his pint and I waved goodbye and apologized to his friends.

'Whats going on?' He finally asked as we walked back to my house. Before we turned onto my road, we passed the shop. I made him wait outside while I went in. I couldn't bring myself to tell him what was wrong, not until I knew for sure. I'd never thought I would find myself in this situation, having to buy a pregnancy test from a corner shop. We'd always been so careful.

When I came out the shop, he looked scared. More so than I felt. I couldn't keep it from him any longer. I handed him the bag.

'Is this for Olivia?' He chuckled. I shook my head. I watched his face change from mild amusement to slight horror.

'Don't freak, ok? I might not be. I just wanna be sure.' He didn't speak. But he took my hand and that was all the support I needed. All the scenarios ran through my mind. What if I was? That would change everything. How would I be able to work with a baby in tow? Dan was always away, I couldn't cope on my own. I know we were going to be together forever, but a baby would cement us for eternity and I was afraid to admit it, but I wasn't sure if I could do that. A little part in the back of my mind, as best as I'd tried hide it, still wondered if Dan had been telling me the truth about that night in the woods. And scarier still, since he'd told me that Martin had been killed, that same part dared to wonder if he'd had something to do with it. Each time the thought crossed my mind, I tried to ignore it and tell myself that Dan was not capable of killing someone. It was ridiculous to think my sweet, kind Danny would ever hurt anyone. And then I'd be straight back to wondering about if he knew I was going to be attacked that night.

Once we got home, I sat on the sofa and I attempted to open the pregnancy test. My hands were shaking too much to undo the cardboard packaging. Wordlessly, he took it from me and pulled out the instructions. I watched him as he read the information. He seemed so calm.

'Go pee on this end, wait two minutes for the lines to appear.' He handed it to me, but didn't let go as I took it. He looked right into my eyes and I could see the depth of their blueness and flecks of grey. 'Whatever happens, we'll get through it, right?' He seemed so sure. I wasn't.

'I'll be back in a minute.' I told him and excused myself to the bathroom. I did as I'd been told, washed my hands and returned to the living room. He was staring down at his phone. I coughed to let him know I was back.

'Done?'

'Done.'

I placed the test face down on the coffee table in front of us with his phone counting down two minutes. As I watched the seconds tick down I could feel myself lose composure. I could barely catch my breath and my heart was thudding loudly.

'I can't do this Dan.' I whispered. If I spoke any louder, I might've thrown up. 'It's too soon. It's all too soon.'

'Whatever happens, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere.' He tried to hug me but I just sat there. I was terrified. Babies were great. They were cute and everything, but we were not ready for this. We'd only been together a matter of weeks. Even the idea of him moving in now felt too much to take. A baby? A living breathing baby that needed feeding and cleaning and didn't sleep and cried. I had only just felt like my life was coming together. Throw a baby into the mix and I was sure I wouldn't cope. Thirty seconds left on the timer. I needed to get out of there. I needed to run.

He must've heard what I was thinking or read my fidgeting. He held me by the shoulders, not forcefully but enough to pin me to the spot.

'Don't.' He urged. The timer went off. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do this. Dan flipped the test over. One line.

'What does that mean?' I dared asked.

'Not pregnant.' He told me. I couldn't read his face. It was as if he was waiting for my reaction. Which was to burst into tears. The relief was immense.

'Oh god I'm so sorry...' I apologized for putting him through that. 'We couldn't have had a baby, not right now.'

'It would've been ok you know?'

'For you, yeah. You're not the one giving birth and looking after it.'

'I would've been here, we'd have figured it out.'

'One day.' I told him. 'When I'm ready.'

I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He seemed a little crushed. He went off to make a drink in the kitchen and I got his phone to turn off the timer app. When it closed, Safari came up and I saw what he'd been looking at as I'd done the test. Baby names.

I felt like a monster.