Bad Blood

7.

So began the years where I changed from a little girl into a young woman. My body changed. I was no longer a skinny, short thing. I sprouted up inches overnight and grew breasts. I began the horrifying monthly cycle of periods, tears and moodiness. Everything seemed to be amplified in my teenage mind. Emotions I never thought possible, anger and injustice I had never felt before. And worryingly for me at the time, feelings for boys. I did my best to ignore them.

I'd noticed a change in Dan too. He had always been shy and quiet. But now he seemed thoroughly downtrodden. Even when we were alone together, he seemed so far away. It was like the bullies had won. My happy Danny had faded away. The name calling hadn't stopped. As he'd feared, it got worse. And I didn't know what to do to help him. This was my fault and anything I did would only anger the bullies. I wished I could make them go away.

'When I learn to drive, we'll go far away somewhere. I don't know where. But we'll get in the car and we'll drive for hours. To a beach or the mountains or something, somewhere, and we'll live there, away from this horrible place.' He told me in such a way that I knew, though he never admitted it, that he hated this school and everyone in it.

In my own bid to fit in at school with the girls who were much cooler than me, those who were invited to parties and hung around the bus station at night, drinking, I had grown curious about alcohol. I was nearly fifteen and I had never tried it. So I had stolen a bottle of vodka from Grans drinks cabinet and snook it out the house. When I met Dan at the tree I pulled it out my bag with a cheeky grin on my face.

'Where did you get that?' He asked.

'Never you mind.' I said and opened it. I took a big gulp of it and instantly blurted half of it back out. 'Thats disgusting!' I spluttered. 'Go on.' I handed it him. He looked apprehensive. 'Go on!' I urged him. He nervously took a sip and his face screwed up. We both laughed.

We spent the evening taking it in turns to drink from the bottle as we sat under the monkey bars at the park. It didn't take long for the alcohol to have an effect on me. I just wanted to dance about. I dragged him up from the ground and tried to make him dance to imaginary music, but he wasn't drunk enough. Instead he sat and watched me, giggling away to himself and cheering me on. When more than half the bottle had gone, I started to feel dizzy and tired, but wanting to act like I wasn't a 'lightweight' I continued to drink. It had got dark and Dans attempts at curtailing my vodka binge only annoyed me. He hadn't had half as much as I, thankfully, because I threw up and passed out right on the slide.

'Gracey, wake up, you can't go home like this, Gran will kill you.' He was trying to rouse me. I attempted to open my eyes but everything was spinning around, so I kept them shut. I didn't want to move from where I was, I was comfortable. Dan did his best to pick me up but I was a dead weight. I just lay there and laughed to myself. 'Come on, we need to go home.'

'Nah.' I giggled.

Dan somehow managed to hoist me up onto his shoulder and he carried me home. I made him stop twice so I could be sick in someone's garden and then someone else's wheelie bin. When we arrived home, Gran was stood at the front door. Dan put me down and whispered at me to act normal. I don't think she bought it.

'What the hell have you done?' She shouted at me. I could barely see her face but I knew she was fuming, she had never lost her temper at me in the ten years I'd known her. And to make it worse, I laughed. 'You stupid, stupid girl. Daniel, help me get her up stairs and into the shower.' He did as he was told, dragging me up the steps. He guided me into the bath tub. 'I suggest you get down those stairs and make a pot of coffee. Do not leave this house.'

'But Gran, it was her-'

'Go.'

The next thing I knew was the shower being turned on, dowsing me, fully clothed, with ice cold water. I screamed and tried to get out. Gran, despite her old age, was surprisingly strong. Or I was incredibly addled by the half a litre of vodka.

'You will sit in there until you've sobered up. How dare you steal from me and then come back in this state. And making him do it too?'

'But I didn't...I just wanted to...'

'I know exactly what you were doing. You wanted to see what it was like? Well done. You've done it. And you've turned into your Mother. Do you think I want to watch you waste away like she did? Don't you remember what she was like? She was a rotten alcoholic and I will not see you go down that route. I will not lose you to drink.'

'My Mum...?' I began, starting to sob. Hearing my Gran talk about my Mum for the first time like this, really upset me.

'We'll talk about it tomorrow. Get yourself undressed and into bed. I don't want another sound out of you. I'm going to ring Daniels parents and tell him he's staying here. You be grateful I'm not telling them what you've both been up to.'

I had got myself into pyjamas and then into bed, shivering, just a few moments before Dan entered my room.

'You ok?' He whispered in the dark.

'Yeah.' I said through chattering teeth.

'I'm allowed to stay over. Gran said she needs me to check you don't choke to death in your sleep.'

He got into bed beside me. This was new territory for us. He had stayed over a million times, but always in the spare room. I'd never had anyone share a bed with me. I could feel the warmth radiating from his skin as we each lay side by side. I couldn't stop shivering. Without a word, Dan pulled the covers tighter over me and turned so his chest was on my arm and his arm over my stomach. I nestled into him, so glad of the extra heat.

******

'Here.' Gran put down a cup of black coffee in front of me the next morning. 'Drink that.' Safe to say, I had never felt so ill. My head pounded. I felt sick. My eyes burned. 'I hope you've learnt your lesson.'

'Yeah.' I sure had. But I had questions to ask now. 'What you said about Mum...'

'Ah, so you remember that part. Maybe today isn't a good day to tell you.'

'I'm fourteen. I'm not a child. I want to know.'

'She got herself pregnant with you at nineteen while she was out drinking. Even when you were born, she carried on drinking. She would leave you for days on end, alone, crying, whilst she went out drinking. The police got involved and it took them a while, a long long time, to finally take you away. Then, as you know, she died. She had been driving drunk and crashed into a tree. Gone. Just like that.'

'But Gran, I won't be like her. I just wanted to see what it felt like.'

'Feels pretty bad doesn't it?'

'Yeah.' I laughed sourly. 'I don't think I'll do that again.'

'Of course you will. We all do it. But I think you need to know how easy it is to get out of control. Now, go get Daniel up and both of you get ready for school.'

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