Bad Blood

24.

The first time we made love was on the carpet in front of the fire. To begin with it had been scary and a little painful. But he had made me feel things I hadn't ever imagined. A far cry from the only other time I'd been intimate with someone. And now I could say that the first time hadn't counted because what Dan and I had done was something more than just a physical act. It was a joining of two people. He'd been so gentle and slow, kissing my neck and lips softly as our hips rhythmically moved. It had ended with me crying and for all the right reasons.

We lay where we were, our hands locked and the towels wrapped around us. I traced his face with my fingers, his skin beaded with sweat and a little bit of mud. My cheeks began to hurt from smiling.

'Are you ok?' He asked. I nodded and bit my lip to stop smiling anymore.

'That was good.' I confessed.

'Better than good I hope.' He teased.

'Amazing. Thank you for not rushing me into this...' I said, nervously avoiding the word 'sex'. It had simply never been a word in my vocabulary and it felt very odd on my tongue.

'Of course.' He kissed my forehead and I closed my eyes, taking in everything so I could remember it forever. His smell, his taste, the softness of his skin and the rough of his stubble. I smiled to myself as I remembered how he looked as he had climaxed, knowing that it had been me that had bought such joy to his face.

His going away the following day had now become unbearable to imagine. I didn't want to be apart from him. Ever. I had thought I loved him before but that had been nothing to the feeling deep in my chest now. I loved him so much that it physically hurt. I wanted to lock the front door and never let him leave.

'I need to go.' He sighed. We had stayed in bed as long as possible that morning, but the time had come. He kissed my nose and attempted to get up, but I dragged him back down and pinned him to the bed. He seemed shocked. 'Gracey!' He laughed.

'You're not getting away that easily.' I told him and began kissing him forcefully. Now I knew how it felt, all I could think about was doing it again.

Half an hour later I waved him off, trying my hardest not to cry. I shut the door and leant against it, pulling my dressing gown tight around me as to stop the pain. I'd only just got him back and he was off again travelling the world. Not a moment later my phone buzzed.

'Miss u already xxx' I read and beamed.

The day went painfully slow. I had no work to do and nothing to occupy my mind. Olivia was coming over later for a cup of tea but until then, I could do was wander around the house feeling lost and reliving last night and that mornings events. I'd had nothing to be afraid of the whole time. If anything, I had actually enjoyed it. My mind was so full of him that I couldn't think of anything else. I hoped this feeling faded soon because there was no way I could get any work done with such thoughts.

The moment the doorbell rang, I ran to it and screamed at Olivia.

'I slept with Dan!'

'Ok?' She giggled, confused. 'I figured you'd already...?'

'Nope. But now I have. And it was amazing.' Olivia didn't know what had happened to me as a teenager.

She had never once asked me to explain why I never bought boys home or gave them a moment of my time. And for that I had always been grateful of her compassion. Never once had she pried or teased. It was why she was such a good friend. But now, as I told her every detail of last night and she revelled in it, I finally felt like a girl. Like I had done when I'd been accepted into the group at school. I had details to share and compare. And though actually sex was not the big deal I'd thought it to be, it was still a massive accomplishment for me. For me and Dan.

'So you guys are like, together properly now?' She asked.

'I don't know. I guess? We haven't really had a conversation about 'us' apart from that he would be here for me.' She had raised a good point. What were we? I had hoped that in my giving my body to him, especially when he knew how precious that was to me, we had sealed the deal.

'Do you think you guys will get married?' The very question made me blush. Would I be insane for thinking that far ahead? Would it make me out to be crazy if I started looking at wedding dresses and colour schemes? Where would we live? Did he want children? My mind was just in full blown overload. I hide my face from Olivia in embarrassment and she laughed. 'This is so funny. I've never seen you like this.'

'I know, I've never felt like this. I didn't think I ever could.' She couldn't help but hug me and do a little excited dance.

We spent the next half an hour going on YouTube and me absolutely dying with laughter at Dans running in his video to the song Pompeii.

'100 million people have seen now badly he runs. This is perfect!' Olivia was doubled over. The cup of tea she had come over for had been long forgotten and the wine had come out to celebrate. Now we were drunkenly watching videos of our men. All the while I was watching, knowing that this guy who I had grown up with was so much more than just a friend now. We had shared a spiritual connection from the age of four and I hoped it lasted forever.

With each day he was away it got harder. I was counting down the hours until he was home. The band was now a blessing and a curse. It had been what had bought us back together but now it was keeping us apart. During one of our daily phone calls, which we had joked was like one of us was in jail, he had suggested I forget work and travel with him. But we both knew that I wouldn't do that. As tempting as it was.

I got the shock of my life at work one day. I was at my desk, littered as normal with papers and clippings and unfinished articles, when a giant bouquet of flowers landed in front of me. Initially I was confused. Who would send me flowers? It was surely a mistake. But then I read the card.

'To my Gracey, I miss you and can't wait to kiss you again. Danny x'

I burst into tears and rang Olivia. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me. It was like living in one of the rom coms I would review. How was this real life? Real life did not feel this good.