How to Save A Life (Anthony Rizzo)

19- To Feel Loved

Clara

I got to Jess's place late last night. I explain the situation I was in and what's happening and she agreed to help me out. Didn't even hesitate to let me in. She was actually the sweetest thing ever and I was forever grateful that the few friends I had are really good ones.

I didn't sleep much last night so I woke up early this morning and watched tv. I sat there cuddled up in a ball like usual to keep myself feeling protected. I text Anthony and tell him I'm fine and just stare off into space. I check out and kind of just stay awake but not really cautious.

Eventually I hear a door open and see Jess come out of her room. She was extra cute in her PJs as she heads straight to the kitchen.

"Would you like some coffee" she asks.

"Yes please" I say softly.

She fixes us both a cup and she joins me on the couch. I happily take the cup from her and let it wake me up a little.

"Did you get any sleep" she wonders.

"Not really" I admit.

"I'm sorry. But Anthony should be home soon" she assures me and I smile. I didn't want to, but every time I heard his name I couldn't help it.

"Not soon enough" I admit.

"Can I ask you a question. And you don't have to answer it if you don't want to" she assures me. This sounds like it's leading to somewhere I'm not going to like.

"Sure" I say sounding a lot more confident in my answer than I actually was.

"Do you love him" she asks.

"Do I love who" I wonder.

"Anthony" she says and I smile again. Damn it.

"I don't know" I claim.

"You do know" she accuses.

"I think I do love him, but I'm not letting myself love him. I'm too afraid to really think about it" I explain.

"Why" she wonders.

"Because those thoughts are scary, to love something so much. To have something that you don't want to lose. To think about the things you'll do just to see them smile. To be willing to do anything to know that person is going to be okay" I explain.

"That's the great thing about love. It's so unpredictable and exciting" she says.

"I want nothing but the best for Anthony. He is the most spectacular person on this earth and no one could convince me any different. I can't put into words what he means to me. The things he's done and the things he said, I get emotional just thinking about him. He treats me like I was the best thing to ever happen to him. Not like I'm broken and he's the only solution to my problems. He's watering me and helping me grow into a beautiful and strong flower and that's more than I would ever ask for from him. He never misses a chance to make me smile and my safety is at the top of the list. I went from a terrible situation to being treated like a queen and I'm not sure what to think" I admit.

"Love isn't something you think about, it's something you do" she insists.

"Then yeah, I do love him" I admit and she smiles.

"Feels good to say it, doesn't it" she asks.

"It does. I just wish that changed something" I admit.

"Hang in there" she comforts me. "I know it's hard right now. Whatever reason it is that you guys can't be together, I assume it's a good one. I just want you to be happy, and you confessing that you love Anthony doesn't mean that you're going to be happy now. But I sure hope you realize that you have something worth fighting for" she insists.

"I do. I would fight until I could fight no more for him" I admit.

"I know you would sweetie. Just as he would do the same for you."

We spend the rest of the morning just talking. I better explain my situation and how Anthony is involved and she says she's just glad I'm safe for a while. We bake some treats because she's so good at that and I help her plan some things for the wives and girlfriends of the organization. Although I'm neither of those right now I was still with Anthony and the girls were still my friends so they make a exception and let me hang out with them. You know, when I can.

After that we make dinner and watch the boys play. They had their last game in St. Louis before they head to Philly for a series then they're back home. I knew the chances of my ex finding me here was slim but I was still scared. I didn't want anything happening to Jess, she wasn't a part of this and I didn't want to make her one.

"Thank you again for letting me crash here. I promise that as soon as Anthony gets back I'll be out of your hair" I assure her.

"Don't worry about it, really. It's nice to have a friend over. Kris and I have been in Chicago for a few months now and I'm still not settled in. It's nice to just talk to someone and it not be about baseball" she admits.

"You know, if this ever gets cleared up and I end up with Anthony I would love to come hang with you every chance I had. Maybe we can do some brunches and make some treats" I suggest.

"I would love that" she smiles.

Eventually my time with Jessica comes to a end, much to my despise. The boys continue to dominate and return home for a pretty long homestand. Anthony comes over and picks me up from Kris and Jess's apartment and I thank them both for their hospitality. Anthony and I return to his place and I show him the package I got. He goes through my things before letting out a long sigh.

"Does this guy have a off switch" he asks.

"If he does I would love to hit it" I admit. Really really hard.

"I don't think you can leave here" he claims.

"What? I'm just going to spend the rest of my life locked up in a apartment? I might as well just go back to him if that's my fate. At least I wouldn't be so scared of him finding me. Maybe if I tell him I'll go back he will leave everyone alone" I shrug.

"I can't let you do that" he claims.

"I can't let him hold the people I care about over my head. What if he says something to Hudson or Farrah? What if he finds Jess too? I'm sorry, but I refuse to let him get ahold of any of you guys" I say.

"Why does he want so bad to hurt you" he asks.

"I don't know... god I wish I knew. But I guess there's just some mistakes that are unforgivable. And mine is him" I explain.

He just stares at me as we try to figure out what to do. He was afraid to let me go but he also knew that there was no reason for me to stay. That I needed to do something about this, and sooner rather than later.

"Clara I... I'm scared" he stutters. It seemed like he wanted to say something else but this is what came out.

"I am too" I admit.

He kisses the top of my head before pulling me into his arms. I stand there and try my best to remember what it's like to be held by someone I love. To feel like I belong right there and know nothing can take that feeling away from me.