How to Save A Life (Anthony Rizzo)

42- Did You Love Him?

Anthony

"Okay what about this one" I ask pointing to a house on my computer screen. Clara's head rested on my chest as the laptop sat on my lap. We were all curled up on the couch of the house I keep in Florida as we try to find a place we can call home back in Chicago.

"What in the world are you going to do with a three story house" she giggles and I smile. Sometimes I do silly stuff just to hear her laugh.

"I don't know. Tear down the walls and make the third floor a gigantic play place" I joke.

"For the kids" she asks.

"Umm sure... for the kids" I say sarcastically and she starts to giggle.

"I don't think we're going to need a three story house. We live in a apartment right now, that's a big jump" she claims.

"Okay, two stories" I compromise.

"Perfect" she agrees.

We continue to scroll through and look at places in Wrigleyville. Even though Clara didn't have the best experience there she loved the neighborhood and it had nice schools and easy access to the field so we decided that would be a good place to go. As long as she was okay with it, then I was okay with it.

"Do you care what color it is" I ask.

"Nope" she claims.

"How many rooms" I ask.

"Enough for you and me and our dreams" she smiles. "And a little extra room for when we start a family" she insists.

"Okay. So how about at least four bedrooms? You and I get one, one can be a art studio and two or more for whatever it is we need" I say.

"That sounds beautiful" she smiles.

Eventually we narrow it down to about three houses we liked. One with a pool, another with a open back yard, and one where we could actually walk to the field. We really couldn't go wrong with any of them but we didn't want to decide tonight, we were pretty overloaded with decision making and deciding. We spent a long time laying on the couch looking at a computer screen and could use a brain break.

"What do you say to a date night tonight" I ask and she smiles.

"We haven't had a date night in forever" she realizes.

"Yeah, I've been a bad boyfriend" I admit.

"You're an amazing boyfriend, just a busy one" she insists.

"So is that a yes" I wonder.

"Yeah, I'll go on a date with you" she smiles.

We get up off the couch for the first time since we laid down a few hours ago. I change into a pair of jeans and a nice shirt before fixing my hair. I splash on some cologne and head out to the living room.

I get there and find Clara in a pair of skinny jeans and a cubs jacket. I smile big as I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her.

"Nice jacket" I tease.

"Thanks. I figured you would like it" she laughs.

"I did pick it out" I admit. I kiss her lightly on her neck and she runs her finger through my hair causing my eyes to roll in the back of my head. "Don't do that, we're never going to leave this place" I warn.

"I don't see a problem with that" she says softly.

"Well I need food or I'm going to start getting grumpy" I admit.

"Then I guess we will have to continue this later" she insists.

"I guess so."

We end up at my favorite little hometown restaurant I used to go to after games. There wasn't a lot to do around here but that never did matter, all that matters is what we do with what we have here.

We order some burgers and fries and I can basically hear coach buss yelling at me. At this rate spring training was going to be a long one for me.

"Oh wow, this is a good burger" Claire moans and as she takes another big bite. I mean she eats a lot, but never like that...

"I wish I made you that happy" I tease and she throws a French fry at me. It nails me on my head making her snicker.

"You're the worst" I mumble with a mouth full of food.

"Yeah, that's why you and I spent all day looking for houses to live in together" she teases.

"Isn't it obvious. I'm only in it because you're cute" I joke.

"It's the smile" she claims.

"It's your butt" I tease and she nearly spits out her food.

"Okay, you got me. I did not see that coming" she nods as she wipes off her mouth. "You're so lucky I love you, all of you" she smiles.

"I know, but it still sounds so surreal to hear it. To hear that a girl like you could love me. That after everything you went through that you can still love, and that you could still love me" I insist.

"It's not that hard, loving you. Not even art came easier" she claims.

"Can I ask you a question" I wonder and she sets her burger down.

"Yup" she assures me.

"Did you love him" I ask.

"Did I love who" she wonders.

"Eddie... did you love him" I question. She starts to shift in her seat and I stared to feel bad for making her uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that" I insist.

"It's okay, I just kinda forgot about him for a little bit. Hearing his name gives me chills" she claims.

"I really don't want you to answer that now. It was a dumb question" I sigh. I really shouldn't have asked her that.

"No, it's fine, really" she says softly.

"It's not though. I know that topic bothers you and that's not something I should drop over dinner. I'm really sorry" I rant.

"Anthony" she says as she places her hand on top of mine. "You can't be hard on yourself for wondering about these things" she insists.

"I just... I should have never said it" I sigh.

"I did love him at one point" she starts. "But what was love turned into fear. It was something that I could hold on to from when my parents were alive. It was a part of me I never should have kept a hold on, but by the time I realized that it was too late.

I loved him at one point in my life. Never in the way I love you, he was never capable of thinking about me the way you do, treating me the way you do. I knew I deserved better but I loved him so I took what he gave me" she insists.

"How could you love him" I ask.

"Love isn't always good. Love hurts, you know that. At one point our love caused you pain. And my love for him was the cause of mine" she explains.

"I guess your right" I mumble.

"Hey... look at me" she says. "When I say that I love you, I don't say it the same way I said it to him. I love you like Minnie loves Mickey. I loved him like fire loves a wooden house" she insists.

"I just don't want you loving me to be a source of pain" I defend.

"I have never hurt loving you like I did loving him. Yeah, sometimes it hurt, but you never hurt me. I promise."