Summertime Sadness // 5SOS

Winks & Smiles

➼e l l a

On our way home, I thought about Luke and who he was. Brother was definitely out of the question (hopefully

my brother wouldn't kiss me) and what I felt for him was too strong to be anyone of close relation. But then again, no matter how many feelings I had for him, I was scared.

Scared of life.

Scared of feelings.

Scared of him.

I didn't know him. I barely even remembered his last name or his face when someone mentioned him. How could I be so in love with someone I barely knew? That was what frightened me the most and I was confused. He was nice enough but, at the end of the day, could I picture my life without him?

And the answer was yes.

I didn't need him as much as he needed me. I didn't miss him as much as he missed me. I didn't love him as much as he loved me.

Sure, there might have been a time before the accident that he was the most important person in the world to me but I was a different person now. I would hear about all the stuff I used to do, my interests, my past and I was quite frankly a little bit disgusted with myself. I hadn't done anything terrible but the person I was I didn't particularly like.

When Luke dropped me back at Sarah's house, I just gave him a weak smile and slid out of the car. All my thoughts had been a bit too much today and I felt a bit lightheaded. I politely said goodnight to him and when he asked whether I was okay or not, he looked genuinely concerned for my well being.

Poor guy. If only he knew what I was thinking.

I just told him I had a headache and that I would see him tomorrow. He reluctantly said goodnight to me and drove away. I know he knew I was lying but I couldn't tell him the truth. Not yet.

➼l u k e

There was something off putting about the way Ella left but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. It had been a great day but at the moment, she seemed to have really rapid mood swings. I couldn't figure out whether it was her accident or something else.

I couldn't sleep at all that night, similar to every other night, without her by my side. I needed to hold her, kiss her, love her but I couldn't. I wasn't even safe in the knowledge that she was thinking about me and loved me from afar. I know she didn't. Every night I would get close to tears but then try and man up. My heart had only beat for her and now they were wasted thumps, meaning nothing to her.

The bed felt so empty and I would often wander downstairs, sit out on the balcony and watch the day turn from the deepest, darkest blue to beautiful shades of orange and pink. I would strum my guitar, a theme tune to my mornings that I had written, and hope that maybe this point was the darkness and that the sunrise would come soon. It didn't look likely.

The next day around noon, I picked her up from Sarah's house again and we headed to the beach. Our beach, next to the bar where we had had our first date. She was so shy and awkward and funny and beautiful... I missed her. I had taken her there before but I hoped that maybe if we spent the day there, that it would help her somehow. I knew it was a fat chance but it was worth a shot.

She plopped into the passengers next to me wearing high-waisted, light blue shorts, a crop top with a watermelon slice on it and a floral kimono. She also wore rounded sunglasses and had her hair curled. Ella looked beautiful but she always looked beautiful to me...

"You look amazing," I stammered, not very smoothly. She blushed and giggled. "Thanks! You don't scrub up to bad yourself!" I chuckled and started to head in the direction of the beach. I turned on the Justin Bieber song that we had sang at the top of our voices once before and she immediately recognised it. The old Ella I knew and loved started to show and we sang just like we did before. It felt good and familiar and I looked more at her than I did the road. I just wanted to capture and treasure every single moment I saw her being herself. It was far too rare to miss.

We pulled up onto the curb next to beach and we eagerly grabbed our towels and bags and headed towards the golden sand. After we had laid everything out we just lay down and sunbathed for a while. We talked about nothing like we used to and I was the happiest I had been in weeks. She decided to go and get some drinks as it was getting hotter and hotter and she left to go to one of the stalls.

Not wanting to take my eyes off of her for a second, I watched her tiptoe across the concrete platform, barefoot and wait in the queue. She had bought a Coke with ice for me and an iced water for her. As she was making her way back to me, a tall, dark haired guy crashed into her, spilling her drink all down his shirt. They both started apologising excessively but he just took off his shirt, revealing a few tattoos around his shoulders and back. She started blushing scarlet, and she removed her glasses to get a proper look at him. I couldn't quite see him, his back was facing me, but a look of realisation crossed her face.

They shook hands and she started apologising again, giggling awkwardly. He reassured her and they just stood like that for a while, making small talk. She batted her eyelashes, giggled and blushed the whole time she was talking to this mystery guy. And that's when it hit me. They were flirting. My heart sank. I thought today would be the day I got my Ella back but, no. She was moving on. She didn't need me, nor did she want me and she couldn't have made it clearer than that. Tears welled up in my eyes as I watched the best thing that had ever happened to me exchange numbers with this guy then shyly say goodbye.

She was coming back over so I quickly wiped my eyes and put my sunglasses back on in an attempt to conceal my red eyes. "You'll never guess who that was, Luke?! It was Harry Styles! Of all people! God, he's so much better looking in real life! So sweet too, nothing like they make him out to be!" She suddenly seemed to realise what she was saying and stopped talking. I didn't know Harry that well, I had never really spoken to him properly whilst we were on tour and I had a feeling he didn't like me. And now I definitely did not like him.

All I could manage was a, "That's great! So are you gonna call him?" My voice broke slightly at the end but she didn't notice. "I don't know...maybe...would it...would it be okay with you?" She asked, timidly. It really wasn't but I told her what she wanted to hear. "Of course, it's fine!" She smiled weakly and thanked me. The rest of the day was just awkward as the anger inside me grew with each passing second.

When we drove home, it was so bad I had gritted teeth and was gripping the steering wheel do hard I thought I could rip it off. I could feel her looking at me the entire time, her face full of concern and when we got back to Sarah's house, she placed a hand on my knee. This calmed me down slightly but not much and I turned to face her. As soon as I looked into those big, blue eyes, I melted and so did all my rage. "I don't have to go out with him Luke, if it makes you uncomfortable. I know this whole experience isn't easy for you so maybe I should wait a little while, let this all sink in for you?"

The truth was it had sank in hard a long time ago and I wasn't ready to let her go yet. But I couldn't hold her back, that wasn't fair. It was her life and I didn't want to be selfish and keep her for myself. After all, she wasn't mine to keep. "Honestly, it's fine. Your right, this is all a little much for me but it's not right to hold you back. Call him, by all means, it's really okay. I just want you to be happy." Again, I told her what she wanted to hear and she smiled at me. "Thank you, Luke." She kissed me lightly on the cheek and stepped out of the car.

And I swear, that night was when my whole world crumbled.