Summertime Sadness // 5SOS

The Last Time

➼s a r a h

Calum and I's relationship had been perfect up until now. I know Ella and Abby made fun of us because we talked all the time but if I was perfectly honest, the only reason I like to keep him talking is because of his voice. It's beautiful, soft and sweet and just it's tone makes me feel safe and cared for. He was perfect, and we were perfect. At least, that's what it looked like...

The truth was I had been suffering from depression for a while now. After my father passed away, I fell into a deep state of nothingness. I wouldn't go to school, I wouldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. On many occasions I tried to kill myself and I self harmed every day. When I met Ella and Abby online, I finally felt I had someone to open up to, someone who cared and that wouldn't judge me. I slowly became more and more open and my two best friends finally meeting me after all this time meant a lot. Unfortunately, the self harming habit continued. I did it everyday with a knife I stored in my bedside table.

Calum didn't know about my habit and I tried to hide it from him best I could. I always wore long sleeved t-shirts and it was always dark in our room so he couldn't see anything when I went to sleep. I wanted to tell him, really I did. I just worried that he would judge me, not look at me in the same way and just walk out of my life forever. People I cared for had a tendency to do that.

It was about three in the afternoon and Calum had gone to the beach with the guys. Ella and Abby were watching TV downstairs in the living room so I was left alone in my bedroom. I slowly edged towards the side cabinet and removed the knife from the bottom shelf. I placed it on my left arm and cut hard into my skin. As usual, it bled and stung but I didn't care. I was used to it and it felt good.

The cuts had become less deep recently as I was feeling happier and happier every moment I was with Calum. He made me feel good about myself and I even spent one whole day without cutting, all because I was too busy curled up in his arms. Our new puppy, a little German shepherd, was just the icing on the cake. I loved how I could talk to it about anything and it still look up at me with the same happy face and loving eyes that it held before I said anything. It gave me hope that Calum would understand.

I fell back onto the bed, letting my arm bleed out as tears started rolling down my face and onto the sheets. At that moment, Calum walked through the door, "Hey babe, I forgot my sw-"

He stopped when he saw my arm, the blood streaming out. I sat up with a shocked and guilty look on my face and quickly tried to conceal my arm behind my back. He ran over to the bed and grabbed it before I could do anything. Calum examined the other scars on my arm before pulling me up and rushing me to our bathroom.

He stood behind me in front of the sink and rapidly turned on the cold tap. He washed my arm clean, quickly but still with his gentle touch. By this time, tears were streaming down my face and I was sobbing lightly. He dried my wrist then turned me round and pulled me into a bear hug. I just cried into his chest as he kissed the top of my head and pulled me tight, rubbing my back lightly.

After we had been stood like that for a while, he led me back to the bed. He sat down first and I collapsed onto his lap, resting my head on his shoulder, our fingers entwined. He whispered softy in my ear, "Why would you do that to yourself? I'm always right here if you need anyone or anything! Let me be your knife, let your release of whatever's hurting you be talking to me. And I promise, I will be just as good if not better than any sharp object."

I turned around to look at him, my eyes glassy with tears. I kissed him lightly on the lips, "You have already helped me in so many ways. I didn't want to tell you because...because I didn't want to lose you!" I started crying even harder and Calum wiped the tears off my face with his thumb.

"You will never lose me, I swear. I will always be here for you."

We just sat like that for a few minutes, enjoying the silence, our slow breath and most of all each other's company. After a while, Calum decided to call the guys as they were probably getting worried and decided to spend the rest of the day at home. We went downstairs and joined Abby and Ella on the sofa who were watching some crap TV show about famous peoples houses and laughing hysterically, seemingly for no reason. I collapsed next to them and they smiled at me, Calum wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

I think it was the last time we were all perfectly normal and happy, sat as three best friends enjoying our summer. However, this joyful bliss didn't last long...