gay one shots | ✔️

shot eighteen: coming out (lucien x allen au) ; part one

It was in his ocean blue eyes that I got lost, and his golden blond locks of hair tumbling down his head, onto his forehead pointing right at them, almost directing your eyes to his. But even though there was a flutter in my chest and a pang in my stomach that I'd never experienced before when I looked at him, I ignored the sensation in doubt of what it actually meant. I didn't want to be gay, but I guess I didn't have a choice. I guess I didn't care what one's sexuality was; that wasn't something that was too controversial or important for me, because I've never really mulled over it enough to think that it mattered. It doesn't really change one's personality and levels of kindness versus their degree of their hatefulness.

However, it wasn't until I met Lu that I started questioning my sexuality. I guess it wasn't as controversial because it's 2015, but still, I feel a little nervous to confide in anyone, even Lu, who is my closest friend, and also the one that made me start questioning in the first place. It was only the way he looked at me, only the way his blond hair fell into his eyes, pointing one's gaze to stare into his gorgeous blue eyes; which in turn offered not only friendship but so much more. It was spontaneity, jubilation, bliss, and quite frankly, a certain kind of queerness.

So when Lucien invited himself over to my flat one night and came out to me, my heart was literally doing flips inside of my chest while I hugged him longingly. He'd cried a little, telling me I was the first one he'd ever told out loud, and we'd sat on my bed and hugged for the longest time, purely in the bliss that his eyes had promised me the first time I'd seen him. We'd fallen asleep next to each other on my queen bed which was devoid of blankets. I'd woken up from the cold, and gotten a blanket for each of us, and when I put the blanket over Lu, he'd woken up halfway, and kissed my cheek; and without thinking shot shivers down my spine and I'd felt that familiar pang in my stomach. And for the rest of the night, I couldn't sleep thinking about Lu, and when I did eventually drift off, my dream was about him.

It wasn't anything too sensual, just an innocent dream about the two of us going somewhere together, and him almost kissing me. And that's when it was confirmed to me, when I came out to myself—when I finally realised these feelings meant that I was queer. I'd never dreamt about girls this way, only boys. In a way, Lu helped me realise who I was, and for my best friend, I was thankful.

...

My phone was ringing, so I abandoned my writing for a moment to look at who it was. Lu. It was Lucien. My heart stopped just as it usually did when I slid the button to talk to him.

"Hi Al," he said, his voice coming in cracklier than usual.

"Hello, Lu. How are you on this fine day?"

"What's with the properness? And I'm doing alright. I wanted to ask if you if you wanted to sleep over at mine. I found a phenomenal cookie recipe and wanted to know if you want to try it out."

"I'd love to," I answered.

"Great. See you at... in an hour or so?"

"Yeah, sure! I'll be over in an hour."

"Cool, cool. See you then."

"Bye!"

"Buh-bye, love," he said, the first half of a gasp coming from his mouth as he hung up abruptly.

I smiled to myself. He'd called me love! The joy I felt was one that I hadn't felt for a long long time. I proceeded to pack my things while in the process of mulling over—for the millionth time—how to come out to him. Because I knew that if I didn't do it tonight, then I'd never be able to do it. I'd been thinking of inviting him over myself, but I'd just never gotten around to doing it. I know I'd be met with positive feedback, I knew I would cry, and I knew I would probably chicken out, but I prayed to Shakespeare that I wouldn't.

So when I left, I had it written on my hand: tell him. say it. I inhaled deeply as I knocked on his door. I waited a few moments and then he opened the door again, his crystal eyes almost entrancing me once again as they sparkled with the fluorescent lights in the hallway outside of his flat. I smiled, and he invited me inside. It was cleaner than usual, and I appreciated this, but I guess this time he'd actually invited me over and it wasn't as impromptu as it usually was.

I put my things in his bedroom and walked back out to the living room where he was putting on a record, which seemed to be Ella Fitzgerald. He flashed a smile at me, his pearly teeth glinting in the light. I sat next to him on the sofa and he showed me the article in the New York Times Magazine that he was talking about. The food looked good, and I thought he could make it.

"So, do you think--"

"You can totally do this."

"You're going to help me, right?" He raised an eyebrow.

"That's the whole reason I'm here, right?"

He shrugged, and we got up and headed to the kitchen to make the pasta, forgetting already about the cookies.

I inhaled.