Hooligan | Dazai Osamu

What Am I Supposed To Do With You?

"And what am I supposed to do with you? You are so free, chaotic, bright, spontaneous, with a slight smell of mystery and danger. What should a girl like me do? I'm humble and quiet, after all. I do not fit you at all, but for some reason, out of the billions of other people, your chocolate eyes clang onto mine. What made you choose me? Please tell me. How could such a windy person dare to leave everything behind and land next to me?

You know, under your gaze, I really melt like that hot black chocolate. It only takes  our glances to cross, when my heart starts beating at a frantic pace, as if trying to jump out of my chest. My knees start to tremble from the overwhelming nervousness and my eyes can't find a thing to cling onto because of the embarrassment, that finds its way on my cheeks.

You remind me of the antique buildings or monuments for some reason. Perhaps, it's just because your soul is as "tired" and old as they are, but you're still a true wonder in disguise. Time will never damage you, but, on the opposite, will add you a very unique aesthetic, that no one else will have. You're unique, Dazai. You will never believe me, but it's true. You're the only one like this in the whole world of ours. Beautiful, perfect, loved, admired, respected, but in the same time, shattered and hurt by the very same world.

So answer me, what shall I do with you? Will you let me love you and complete you? Will you, at least, give me the tiniest chance to fill the lonely hole in your aching soul and heal your bleeding heart? I know, that you deserve someone better, than me. I'm not perfect and I have scars myself, but I'm ready to become perfect for you. If you let me love you, I'm ready to fight my insecurity and improve myself to become the perfect person you need. I'm ready to do anything for you. Just if only, you let me love you...

I wonder, will I ever let you read these lines? Will I ever hold your hand and call you "mine"? Will I ever walk with you under the crowns of trees in spring, admiring how beautiful the flowers and our love are blooming? I don't think so. I see you everyday, but you're always so unbearably far from me. Cold, unknown and far....just like my future.

When did I even fall in love you? When did this all start? I never experienced all the tortures of love until you walked into my life. Not being able to fall asleep, thinking about you, having my breath disappear when your eyes meet with mine or when my fingers accidentally touch yours, trying to find any small hints in between your words, that might show your hidden love to me. You are the first one, who made me feel like this, Dazai. I wish, you could warn me about this before making me fall for you. However, even if I was warned about this, I doubt, that I would have changed anything.

How many of these letters, I have already written? About 10, if I'm not wrong, but I will never let you read any of them. You're just too beautiful to be bothered by such a small, shy girl like me. I'm not a match for you...but I can't help, but love you. I know, that it's going to hurt agonizingly, when the time will come to let go of you. I know, that you will break my heart. Without even knowing it, Dazai Osamu, you are the biggest disaster, that will ever happen to me and that will leave me completely in ruins, but being your friend and having the chance to stand by you is completely enough for me.

What am I supposed to do with you, when you're too alluring to forget about, but it aches in my chest too much, when a thought of you crosses my mind? Answer me, Dazai: is this what love is? If no, then what is love like? If yes, then why does it hurt so much. Where's the soft side of it?

Will you show me the soft love, that I've read about in books, that it is believed to be more beautiful and saint, that the God itself?"

If only you knew, that in a week, Dazai was going to find these letters in the drawer of your working desk and that was going to be the day, when you were about to experience the honey-like type of love, that you were wondering about...

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