Hooligan | Dazai Osamu

Beautiful Disaster

For you, I could pretend like I was happy when I was sad.*

Infinitely far, but if he reached his hand out to her, he could already feel her warmth. That's strange. Dazai never even thought, that he was capable of understanding the true meaning of such phrases. Yet now, when all his insides were bleeding and when his soul was crying in pain, he finally understood it all. It wasn't the type of pain, that could go away after just a couple of pills of painkillers. It was pain, that was eating him alive, but he didn't even mind it because without it, he wouldn't have ever realized the meaning of true, unconditional love.

It struck him like a harsh punch on his face. Who knew, that he was going to fall so deeply in love with the new girl, who just started working at the ADA? Yes, they both became quite close to each other in a very short period of time, but he was just planning to be friends with her. Love was never in his plans. Indeed, (Y/N) was cute, understanding, kind, but it was just that...he was simply scared of feeling an unknown to him emotion.

For you, I could pretend like I was strong when I was hurt.

(Y/N) wasn't planning to fall for him as well, though. A handsome womanizer, suicidal maniac, ex-mafia member and much more wasn't a match to a shy, quiet girl, who had just moved to Yokohama, right? He was always incredibly sweet to her and nice, but...she wasn't blind. It wasn't lost on her, how he always flirted with the waitresses in the cafe underneath the ADA. She clearly saw, that they were much prettier, than her.

She saw, how prettier those girls were, but she never noticed all the craving and longing in his eyes, that only appeared, when he looked at her.

Why was life always playing in this dirty little game with her? Unrequited love was just a beautiful way of slowly killing somebody. If you don't want to get your hands dirty with blood, then you could always poison the person you hate with love and then, show them how their loved one flirts with someone else. Insides will start bleeding, heart will break, blood will freeze as life and happiness will slowly flow out of their body.

Now, (Y/N) was feeling how ugly the dark side of love was.

I wish love was perfect as love itself. I wish all my weaknesses could be hidden.

How ironic. Two people love each other, but both are too blind to see the love of another. Dazai was too distracted by the ghosts and fears of his past, while (Y/N) is haunted by self consciousness and anxiety. Both of these things were chains, that kept them away from each other, not letting them get any closer, than just hugging each other.

Love was simply a disaster for both of them. It came, destroyed everything, turned their lives upside down and then, it left, only leaving the broken bits of their souls. However, they both would never want to prevent it, even if they got the chance. A beautiful disaster – is how they would call it. It was painful, agonizing, even torturous to love someone, you can't touch, but it was just so beautiful...Perhaps, they just had something masochistic deep inside of them because who else would call the tragedy beautiful?

I grew a flower that can't be bloomed in a dream that can't come true.

Sometimes, when Dazai wasn't looking, (Y/N) would just stare at him from afar, admiring all the small features about his face, gestures, manners of talking and behaving, that no one else could notice, but her. She couldn't help herself. If she wasn't going to be the one, who would make Dazai happy in this life, then she, at least, wanted to admire him like this, until it will be time for her to go.

Little did she know, but Dazai did the same. Whenever, the two of them were walking around the city, Dazai was admiring her gentle features, when (Y/N) was distracted by something else. Indeed, she was truly beautiful...She was just like a blessing sent to him from above: she was someone, whom he truly trusted with everything, except for telling her about his feelings. But of course, life couldn't be too kind to him so it made his little angel, (Y/N), untouchable for him, but he had to face her each day.

Love you so bad, love you so bad. Mold a pretty lie for you.

Some say, that if you tell yourself a lie every day, then sooner or later, it will become true. Perhaps, it could work for Dazai too? Perhaps, he could just make himself believe that it was just fake love and he wasn't truly loving (Y/N)...Maybe this way, the pain would at least become bearable.

I'm so sorry but it's fake love.

Yes, he will just make himself believe in this little lie of his. It was the only choice for him. Dazai always wanted to die, but he always hated pain and this was the most painful thing, he has ever experienced. It was even more agonizing, than all the tortures, he's been through. Love was definitely much more horrible, than any physical pain known by humans.

And this beautiful disaster could keep torturing both of them forever...until one of them, finally decided to send everything to hell, risk their friendship, risk having their only friend, risk breaking the bits of the broken heart completely and finally confess...

"Dazai..." (Y/N) once called him, when he was just about to go home after the working day was finished "Can we, please, talk for a moment?"

~~~

Don't forget to vote or comment :3

Also, I used the lyrics of one song in this chapter~ who guessed the song~?

(For those, who guessed) I'm obsessed with it. I don't even wanna be saved from it lol. Fake Love, Anpanman and Airplane pt2 are now my most listened songs XD