Hooligan | Dazai Osamu

as far as the dream of being with you

How did he even end up in a situation like this?

Hasn't he promised himself to not make such a fatal mistake?

Wasn't his past enough to teach him, that he didn't come to this world to be blessed with such things?

Born to crawl can't fly.* And born to crawl in the shadows, like him, shall never feel the warmth of light rays.

Dazai knew, that you were going to be his biggest trouble right when you first stepped into the ADA office. For the first time, the infamous womanizer Dazai Osamu, was truly interested in a woman. He lost himself in the color of your eyes only after looking at them once. Dazai, who never even had to move a finger to get the attention of a beautiful maiden, was now almost 100% ready to do anything to make this woman look only at him.

However, he knew, that you were something he was never going to have. You were nice to him, you always smiled charmingly at him, you were polite, had a nice sense of humor and most importantly you could see through him, past his fake smiles and goofy attitude, but you never forced him to tell you everything, just waiting for him to open up whenever he was ready. To Dazai, you were always perfect. Too perfect...A man like him didn't deserve to hold such a living masterpiece in his hands.

Dazai believed that you were supposed to belong to someone else. Someone successful, who didn't have blood on his hands, who could give you the whole world and much more.

Nevertheless, Dazai could never deny himself in the pleasure of being with you in his thoughts. Even now, as he was walking along the streets and admiring the way the leaves looked in the rays of the setting sun, he was imagining how he could be walking hand-in-hand with you right now. The brunette never felt love in his life, but he knew that if only he could be next to you right now, the world would definitely become so much more beautiful in a matter of seconds.

If only he could be with you.

If only he could hold your hand.

If only he could feel your lips on his.

If only he knew, that in this very moment, you were sitting on the couch in your living room and dreaming about feeling his strong arms around your waist in a gentle embrace.

Perhaps, taking a walk wasn't the best way to get rid of his thoughts as it only gave him more food for thought. But at least, he could enjoy the beauty of autumn. Dazai has murdered a terrifying amount of people, but that still didn't kill the sense of beauty inside of him.

The skies looked especially beautiful at this time of the day. It was a mix of pastel orange and pink as the bright red sun was already low. The sun itself was especially beautiful: such glittery red, that was not too dark, yet not pastel was impossibly beautiful.

This red shining star seemed to be so close, yet so unbearably far at the same time...just like his dream of being with you.

When you looked out from the window, you could see this scenery as well, thinking that the sun had the color of sparkles, that appeared in Dazai's eyes, when he got angry at the enemies. You knew so many little things about him...all because of the countless moments, that you've spent admiring him from afar. He was a man, that fascinated you more, than any other person did.

He allured you just like the light allured the moth.

You would always be too scared to make a first move towards becoming anything bigger, than friends with him though. You've failed so many times before, when you made this move to others, getting a refusal each time you opened up to someone so you just gave up trying more. You were just scared of ruining that little "something" that you already had with him. That's why all the words inside of your heart still had some time to stay there.

Dazai sighed heavily. Even a view as beautiful as this one wasn't even going to be at least relatively equal to the beauty of your smile.

Oh there he is...thinking about you again, even though, he promised himself to at least try and keep the thoughts about you away to be able to let the pain in his chest lessen. He always failed, when he tried to do this.

Everything, surrounding Dazai, was filled with you. Your ghost haunted him no matter where he was or what time of the day it was. You never left his head as he himself never let you out of it.

Who even said that love was making you feel dizzy from the overwhelming happiness?

To Dazai, love was the heavy feeling in his chest, that painfully clenched his heart and threatened to break his ribs. To Dazai, it was the never-ending sorrow, mixed with a bittersweet adoration of you.

To you, love was the smoke of melancholy, that surrounded you and didn't you let you breathe freely. To you, love was always an unreachable dream, that you could only walk close to without ever touching it as it was guarded by your own insecurity.

If only Dazai knew, that right now, in this very moment, you were thinking about him and dreaming desperately of feeling his lips upon yours.

If only  you knew, that right now, Dazai was thinking about how nice it would feel to enjoy the feeling of your fingers, gently brushing his hair.

If only you two knew, that right now, both of you were sharing the same thoughts, while looking at the sun, that resembled your feelings to each other: seemingly so close, yet so unbearably far.

Sometimes, what we dream about can be right in front of us...we might just need to look a little closer.

~~~

Born to crawl can't fly* - a quote by Maksim Gorki

I swear, I'm not dead, I'm just hella busy with school.

I'm still updating though c: