Hooligan | Dazai Osamu

How Could I Live Without You

You loved watching the cigarette smoke as it flew up in the air, twisting in many bizarre ways that reminded about different objects and pictures, before it slowly faded in the air. Rarely did Dazai smoke. Usually he preferred doing it outside of your shared apartment during one of his many long night walks, when insomnia and nightmares kept him awake, but today was different. For some, today he decided to do it here, just on the balcony.

You wondered if he was cold, while not wearing any jacket when the wind was rather cool, but he didn't seem to be uncomfortable. You were always mesmerized by watching him smoke. Looking at his slim long fingers, holding the cigarette as smoke left his mouth, when his eyes were clouded with lots of different thoughts just had some special effect on you. Perhaps it was because there was some kind of...aesthetic in it. Or maybe even a metaphor: such a beautiful human being destroyed himself as he saw his own soul and body ugly. Dazai was indeed intelligent, but in situations like this he could be blind, not seeing his own wonderful traits.

Suddenly, a smirk appeared on his face.

"May I know why are you staring at me for almost 6 minutes~?" He asked

You blushed slightly, quickly looking down at your computer as you started typing your unfinished chapter again.

"Who said, that I was looking at you~?" You said, trying not to look embarrassed

Dazai's smirk grew wider as he extinguished the cigarette and went closer to the bed you were sitting on, before sitting down next to you himself.

"I felt your gaze~" He explained "So you can't deny it~"

"Fine~" You gave up "I did look at you~ You just inspire me a lot. Even such small, seemingly meaningless things still inspire me."

"I inspire you?" He raised an eyebrow "How can such a person like me inspire you?"

"Well...it's hard to explain." You started "You're just...extraordinary. Dazai, you're anything, but a regular man because you have bright colors inside of you, that you don't let others see. You are wise and intelligent. I love discussing some philosophical topics with you or talking about problems of the society because even when we talk about a very cheesy thing, you somehow always manage to have fresh thoughts and new opinion. That's very impressing for me. Dazai, you are just...like an ocean: you can be quiet and peaceful, you can have storms and thunders, but you're also deep and mysterious."

Dazai stayed quiet for a while, just watching you as you kept typing silently. A soft smile, that you didn't notice, grew on his face.

How funny the fate could be: his best friend used to dream of becoming a writer and now, his beloved one is a soon-to-be writer as well. You haven't really published any of your books, but you were planning to go to the publisher next month and for some reason, Dazai had no doubts that you were going to get your book published soon. After all, he read all of your works and he could clearly see how much talent you held inside of you. Wether it was when you woke up in the middle of the night and suddenly reached over for a pen and a paper and started writing out some thoughts or wether it was when you were working on one story for several hours without making any break, he could always see the spark that lit up in your eyes, when you got the inspiration.

"I think, you'll become a great writer." Dazai suddenly said, making you stop typing and look at him

"What did you say?" You asked as your eyes widened

"You will be a great writer~" He repeated, smiling softly, as he brushed a strand of your hair behind your ear "You're not always confident in yourself, but I have no doubts about that. And you said yourself, that I'm smart~ And I want to promise you something..."

He took your hands in his gently, before looking right into your eyes with that look he had, when he wasn't wearing a happy mask that he showed others, but when he was being real.

"I don't have a dream unlike you..."He started "My only dream, perhaps, was to find someone who could understand me fully and accept me the way I was just like my old friend...and I found you. I don't have a dream, (Y/N), but I promise, that I will help you in any way I can to let you make your dream come true. You gave me something, that I missed, what was your trust and care, so now, I want to give you something in return~"

You stared at him for a whole minute, not being able to say anything or at least move a single muscle, but then, you finally found the right words to say.

"Osamu...~"'You smiled softly "How could I leave without you?"

~~~

Don't forget to vote or comment :3

Idk why but films about writing/writers always win a special place in my part. I just watched "dead poets' society" and guys...I just have no words! I think, it's one of my favorite films on this topic as well "kill all your darlings" :3