Hooligan | Dazai Osamu

I'm fine/save me

Today was one of those rare days, when your usually loud and goofy boyfriend was quiet and thoughtful. Dazai also rarely took an official day off from work, usually just skipping it when needed without telling Kunikida anything, but this time, he made sure to warn his blonde coworker about it so that no one would disturb him today. You took a day off as well, knowing that on days like this one, Dazai needed you by his side or else...his mind might get corrupted by the demons of his past again.

Dazai was sitting on the couch of your living room quietly and watching the snowflakes fall from the skies slowly and gracefully. It's been quite a long time since you've seen him in a state like this: wistful and dreary. The last time was when, he became stressed because of trying to come up with a plan to save the city from one ability user with the minimal number of victims. Back then, the pressure was too much on him so his depression returned again.

You never told him that, but after knowing him for such a long time, you've noticed that his depression was like sea waves: it could be far from him for a long time, but then, it could slowly return back just like a wave. It's not like it could sometimes disappear completely though, no. It was always with him, somewhere in the back of his head, but at least, its presence wasn't noticed at good times. After all, it's a mental disorder that can't be overcame in a day.

That's why, when you noticed, that there might be a possibility of the return of his depression, you always made sure to be with him to save him just in case, he'll start falling back into his personal hell of sorrow, despair and the feeling of being worthless.

"Dazai?" You broke the silence suddenly, what made him flinch slightly because he was too distracted with his own thoughts "Is everything alright?"

You went closer to the couch, where the brunette was sitting, and sat down next to him.

"I'm alright, (Y/N)...~" Dazai replied, even trying to smile a little but his attempt failed "You know, that you don't always have to stay at home with me on this day. I'll be fine anyway."

"Osamu...I know, that you will be, but isn't it easier to spend a day like this with someone, who can support you?" You replied "I'm worried about you."

Finally, a soft sincere smile lit his face up, what made your heart start beating faster because his smile was your most favorite thing in the world.

You opened your arms, inviting him for a hug, and Dazai moved closer to you and wrapped his hands around your waist tightly, resting his head on your chest.

"What's troubling you?" You asked him, brushing his hair gently

"Same thoughts as usual..." He sighed "You know...if only I ran a little faster on that day, everything could be different. He would have been 27 now, I wouldn't have tried to commit suicide, I wouldn't have to survive 3 years of pure hell until I met you and things started to get a little better."

"Osamu, it wasn't your fault." You said "You did everything possible. What happened was just...what life planned for us all. It's merciless, but I believe, that it was done to teach us something or to make us choose a certain path. My mom always told me, that the amount of pain you felt is equal to the amount of happiness you'll get in your life."

"I wish, I could have a mindset like yours...~" Dazai smiled sadly "You're hoping for the better, while I'm just torturing myself with thinking about all the possible outcomes, which didn't get to happen..."

"I'm not always positive though." You answered "And you know it yourself."

"Of course, I do. I still remember how you were often upset because of how much you hated your body, when we just met. I'm so delighted, that you've started to love yourself now..." Dazai said

"I started loving my body after you told me, that I'm beautiful~" You reminded him, brushing a strand of his chocolate hair behind his ear "You've planted a seed of love inside of him and that helped me find love and peace within myself. It took me time, but it's possible. And I'm sure, that you'll overcome your haunting past, fears and anxiety too. I'll stay by you and help you with that."

"It might be, that you're my blessing for everything I've been through in the past...~" He chuckled quietly "Thank you, (Y/N)...for everything."

You didn't reply, but simply kissed his forehead since it meant much more, than just words.

In that moment, Dazai thought, that it was indeed better to spend this day with you, than on his own, but these words were left unsaid. Words weren't needed anymore. Silence, that surrounded you, felt comforting and peaceful and Dazai simply decided to not break this moment to let it last a little longer.

Dazai has always been quite a difficult person to love and care about, but somehow, you managed to find a path to his heart, which has been hurt so many times, that it barely allowed you to step inside. For once, Dazai's decision to trust someone didn't leave him hurt in the end, but instead, after letting you take a look at his real self, he was starting to get better. Your love helped him collect the broken pieces of him and fix them together, making the pain go away.

When he was with you, even days like this one were starting to be a little less hard to survive.

Today was January 10. The anniversary of Odasaku's death.

~~~

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I just needed a chapter about comfort and support >///< I hope, that you liked it!