Hooligan | Dazai Osamu

flower language (hanahaki disease au!)

Dazai always loved flowers. He remembered, how one time, when he was 14 years old, he was bored and decided to look up the meaning of some flowers just to skip some time, but surprisingly, he was quite intrigued by this unusual language. He never told anyone, that he remembered well, that hawthorn meant hope or that furze meant anger. He remembered, that arbor vitae meant unchanging friendship and that cypress and marigold meant despair. It wasn't the most useful information for a man like him, but reading about this helped me calm down, when something disturbing happened so that's why he actually finished reading one book about this language.

Dazai's favorite flower has always been forget-me-not. He just loved the color of this flower and how tender it looked, what perfectly matched the meaning of it: true love. It was quite ironic how this little gentle flower was actually killing him from the inside now. Dazai knew, that he was dead the moment you first stepped into the Agency, but he was still shocked, when he saw these little blue petals on his pillow after a hard coughing fit. Was it a cruel joke? Was he really going to die because of something so little, beautiful and meaningful?

Dazai never showed his true emotions. Always happy, always goofy, always calmed, always brave – he was never seen, when he was scared, when he was crying or when he was so broken and hurt so that he didn't even have any energy to cry anymore. He never allowed anyone to see this side of him, especially you. What did people say about male tears? They usually said, that it was making men weak, right? That's why, even though he knew, that he won't be able to have you anyway, at least, he didn't want you to remember him as someone weak. He didn't allow you to see that broken side of him. He thought, that it was better to bottle his burning emotions up...

And now, all his bottled up emotions were growing as little buds of forget-me-nots inside of his lungs.

Dazai consisted of philosophy, painful flashbacks, cigarettes, sake at one in the morning and the smell of vanilla and dark chocolate. He consisted of secrets and sleepless nights. He consisted of all the words he never told anyone and all the books, that he will never write.

And for the rest 50%, Dazai consisted of his love to you.

"Perhaps, this could be considered as a form of suicide." He once thought during one of the nights, when his nightmares were keeping him awake "(Y/N) didn't do anything. I fell in love with her myself, after all, and I'm the only one, who'll be guilty in my soon-to-come death. I killed myself with my own love..."

He didn't even let himself be with you in his own dreams. He didn't like pain, after all, and imaging this made him feel even more agonizing pain, than he ever felt because of the freakiest tortures. He didn't deserve you because of everything he has done in the past. He knew, that you deserved better. He knew, that it was better to just quietly walk away and let you be, than confess to you and make you feel guilty for killing him. It would be better to bottle everything up again he thought...

However, he couldn't help, but make small surprises to you, before you came to work: every day, he made sure to come earlier than you to simply put a flower on your table. Sometimes he left acacia flower – concealed love. Sometimes, heartsease – think of me. Sometimes, it was gorse – endearing affection. He was sure, that you didn't know the meaning of these flowers because it wasn't a typical thing to know. Plus, Dazai made sure, that you had no idea that it was him.

But little did he know, that you were a little more perceptive, than he thought.

Dazai never even came across a thought, that someone could read him just as he could read others. He never even thought, that you could simply get curious about the meaning of flowers and look it up on the Internet. He never thought, that you might have noticed blue petals on his desk and his often cough. He never thought, that you could feel the same towards him.

That's why he was shocked, when he found a bouquet of peach blossom, forget-me-not, bachelor's button, lilac, honeysuckle and phlox* on his desk next to a small note, written by you: "Meet me in the park at 5pm today, alright? I have something to tell you."

And suddenly, Dazai felt an unusual warmth inside of him as he was looking at the bouquet and then on the letter again and again. Was he finally granted happiness after all his suffering? Was he really about to feel the long forgotten feeling, called happiness?

With you, he was. And the bouquet said it all.

Flowers inside of him were not disturbing him anymore.

~~~

Peach blossom – this heart is thine.
Forget-me-not – true love.
Bachelor's button– hope in love.
Lilac – first emotion of love.
Honeysuckle – bond of love.
Phlox – our souls are united.

I'm back to writing here :3 but I'm afraid that the chapters might be rare cuz I'm super busy with school :/