Hadley: An Ansel Elgort Fan Fiction

Chapter 22

I know I haven't updated in 400 years I'm deeply sorry but LOOK SOPHIE IS SO CUTE. k bye vote, comment, etc.

I loved kissing. It was so intimate and sensual, but with Ansel there was something else mixed in there. Something other than lust or physical attraction, something deeper. Not love, definitely not. Maybe, I don't know I'd never been in love so I honestly didn't know. How would you know anyway? How do people just know? I was scared though, too. I didn't want to have to need Ansel. I wanted to be independent and fine on my own, and I didn't want to get hurt if it didn't work out. If I didn't feel like I needed him, if I didn't love him, I wouldn't care if this ended. I was also starting to second guess this. Where was it going? He was going to graduate in a year and I'd still be a junior, if we even lasted that long. Maybe he just sees this as fun. God, I hadn't even thought of that. If so, what was he getting out of it? 10 minute make out sessions? If it was just for fun I'm sure he'd expect more than that. He didn't seem surprised or disappointed when he found out I was a virgin. I mean, if that was important to him then I would stop seeing him because that's fucking dumb. I started thinking so much I got a headache. I pulled away from him.

He had a look of disappointment on his face but he didn't say anything.

"I think I'm gonna go to bed..."

"Uh, o-okay, goodnight, "he said as I slid off the counter.

"Wait- can I ask you something?"

He nodded, looking down at me.

"Were you- weirded out when Luke told you I was a virgin? Does that matter to you? Is sex all that matters?"

His eyebrows knitted together. "Is that what you think?" He scoffed and ran a hand through his messy hair. "You think I just want to sleep with you and then that's it?"

"No, I didn't mean it like that I just-"

"I don't care about any of that," he said simply.

I was surprised. Usually that's how it went, you flirt up a guy for a little while and he expects you to go down on him whenever he feels he's ready. I never let guys objectify me that way, though.

"Not even a little? Like we could hang out for the next year and you wouldn't expect anything?"

"Of course not! I'm not like that, Hadley. When are you gonna stop worrying so much about stupid, little things and just- be with me?"

"I want to I just didn't know!" I shouted.

He exhaled slowly. "Sorry... now you do know."

"So, um, can you tell me stuff?" I asked.

A smile slowly crept onto his face. "What kind of stuff?"

"Don't make me say it you bastard."

He chuckled as we walked back up the stairs into my bedroom.

He told me about his first time and how awkward and disappointing it was. He was 14 and horny and wanted to get it over with. He went to a friend's house over winter break but he wasn't home, just his older sister.

"You did it with your friend's sister?"

"Don't judge me I had raging hormones and nobody else."

I laughed and he continued the story. She was 16 and hot and insecure, I guess. And that was it; he lost his virginity to her and a few months later his friend moved away.

"I don't want it to be like that," I admitted.

"You don't want to lose it to your friend's sister, you mean?"

He winked at me and I giggled.

"No, I don't want it to be meaningless. I don't care where it happens or what the circumstances are it doesn't have to be perfect with rose petals scattered across the bed and shit but I want to care about the person."

"I regret it."

"Really?"

"Yeah, no other guy would ever admit this but I think it'd be better with someone you love."

I smiled. "Same."

We talked for hours, all night until the sun clawed its way up the horizon and planted itself in the afternoon sky. Topics branched off into stories, stories forming into nostalgic memories, branching off into completely new, unprecedented topics. We threw our beliefs and ideas at each other like old memoir into a fire. It was beautiful, slowly learning things about him. I didn't think it was possible to know every single thing about someone; there just wasn't enough time. But I didn't need to know everything. The more time we spent together, the more we learned, the more quirks I noticed, the more stories we told, the more we laughed, and the more we fell in love with each other. He didn't say it, neither did I. But we didn't have to, because I felt it. And it only took 3 weeks for it to happen.