Family Of Blue

Chapter 10

Lance's POV
My body wobbled as I walked back to Blue. She is my home, the only place that I feel safe. Her and little Caspian are my life, they are all I have now.

The door parts and I see Blue with her mouth already open; she always knows. As soon as I enter the cockpit I can no longer hold back the ocean of tears in my eyes.

I run to the pilots chair and start rummaging around on the ground. 'I know it's here, I left it somewhere here', I look around underneath Blues control panel but still can't find it. 'It has to be here!' 'I need it'

"My cub, I know what you are trying to do, and I urge you to stop" Despite knowing what I am looking for she still sounds so kind.

"Blue you don't understand, I have to, I screwed up big time and now I have to punish myself!" I see a shining glint and instantly pick up the blade I have so desperately needed. "I...d-deserve this."

"Lance. Listen to me....please, you said you would stop." Even if I wanted to, I don't think I could, it's hard to stop after you make the first cut.

"I-I'll stop t-t-tomorrow..." I am struggling to talk with my panicked breath. I just want everything to go away. I want it to stop. I-I can't take it! They hate me. They wish I were dead.

I sit there on the hard metal floor with tears streaming down my face. Instead of going to my thighs again, this time use my arms.

It was easy to get to them because during the recent battle I had no armour on, so I role up the sleeves of my jacket and shirt. I look at my arms, I am numb to the gallery of pain that is displayed before me. I don't feel ashamed, I don't feel angry or pleased; I feel nothing.

Blue hasn't said anything in a while, she's knows that no matter what she says, I will not listen. I bring the blade down onto my right arm and make one long cut. I straight away feel relief as all of my attention is brought to the seeping red wound. All other thoughts fade away as I now have one focus, one thing in mind.

I do the same to my other arm and just sit there underneath the control panel, letting the blood pool around me.

Out of nowhere panic arises in me, there is no explanation or cause for it; it just happens. As always, my breathing becomes hasty and shallow. However this is a little different from my average panic attack, this one has added bonuses. Yay....

I begin to claw at my face, my finger roughly digging into my skin. Pain erupts from my chest where Shiro kicked me earlier, making it unbearable to inhale any oxygen. My hands move to my throat, I scratch and pull at the skin in a fruitless attempt to breath.

Blood loss is making me dizzy and ringing bursts in my ears. Everything is going to hell fast. I can't do anything but sit there, waiting to pass out.

————

Tiredness starts to make it's way into my body, I have been at this for what feels like hours and it doesn't appeared to be stopping any time soon.

My neck is scratched raw from my fingers and my arms are still bleeding. I was about to give up and let the darkness consume me when I felt something move around on my legs.

It was warm and furry, it felt familiar. I hear faint words form around me. These words filled a hole in my heart, I force my eyes open to see a blurry purple figure. Caspian.

"-mma. Mamma?" I can see the flare of his yellow eyes and as I daze into them I feel a wave of calmness absorb me.

His presence brings me down from my episode and back to reality. I call them episodes because for me, they are like a momentary break in my sanity. They can cause me to do and think horrible things without any conscious control.

Caspian makes his way up my chest and to the crook of my raw neck. He nuzzles into it and lets out a purr. I swear that purr will save my life one day.

As he comforts me the drowsiness and lack of blood catches up to me and I loose consciousness. I know I should have done something about my cuts, but I had no strength left. As I lay there the warm vibrations don't stop.

'My little pup~'