Infinite (Jai Brooks fanfic)

Chapter 27

Good moments don't last forever. At one moment you're living your dream life and you feel infinite. You feel like nothing can ever destroy your happiness and you literally feel like your entire life has changed for the best. 

But it hasn't. And eventually life does come crashing down and you're lost once again. The darkness has sucked you in and you know there's still light, but you're too far away from that light. You can't reach that light and so you begin to believe that the small ounce of happiness that you felt wasn't real. You begin to doubt yourself once again and you remind yourself that you can never be happy. 

That's how I felt once I got the letter in the mail. My heart was torn straight out of my heard and ripped to shreds. I was reminded once again that I cannot be untroubled. Trouble was always after me and I was tired. I was absolutely tired of everything. 

To: Ava

I've noticed that you haven't even been trying to get the money that you owe me. I gave you how long? One month, right? One month is almost over and I hope you know what will happen if I don't get all of that money. I'll make sure that little boy dies first. Remember Ava, their life is in your hands. Can't wait to meet again.

-Ricky.

I crumpled the paper into a ball and threw it in my drawer. I told him he couldn't contact me this entire month. How fucking dare he send me a letter?! What if Rachel ended up reading it?! I sighed and sat on my bed. I was seeing red and I knew I was going to end up hurting someone any minute. How was I supposed to pay him all that money? I wanted to go to the police so badly. I wanted to tell them every single threat that was being made to my family and I, but I couldn't risk putting anyone in danger. Tears began falling out of my eyes once I realized there was no way out of this situation. I would not be able to give him that money and because of me, these people would die. 

I went downstairs quietly and grabbed the car keys. There was only one person I needed to see right now. One person that I needed to confront. I was gonna go see my mom and she would give me answers unless she wanted me to choke her right there. 

---

"I didn't think you'd be visiting me ever again. Missed me that much?" My mom flashed me a fake smile.

Was she fucking serious right now? I had to calm myself down or she'd be dead any second. "Shut the hell up." I said through clenched teeth. "I need answers. And I need them now." 

She sighed and rubbed her neck. I barely recognized her anymore. She was the total opposite of what she used to be. "Okay." Her tone turned serious. "I'm listening."

I took a seat and stared at her. How could she do this to herself? Didn't she wanna live an actual life? A happy life? "Mom." My voice cracked and I hated myself for it. "He's gonna kill me." I whispered. 

My hard, cold, exterior vanished. For the first time in a long time, I let her see how I actually felt. I didn't bother masking any of my emotions. I let her see the pain she caused me. "I need to know what you did. Why do you owe him all that?" I asked her.

She was quiet for a couple seconds and I could see the pain in her eyes. "I.. I don't.." She was at loss of words. She stared down, ashamed. "There are a couple of things I need to tell you, Ava. But it's important for you to listen to me. I've been a terrible mother, but you need to actually trust me if you want to fix all of this."

I nodded my head and let her continue. 

"This is all the truth, okay? I won't lie to you anymore." She smiled at me. I didn't return the smile. "When I met Ricky, he was kind and loving. I met him while I was with your father. You remember when I used to stay out all day and come home super drunk, right? I was always with him. Of course, your dad eventually found out and that's when him and I began fighting. After we got divorced, I thought Ricky would help us out. But of course, I was wrong." Tears were falling freely from her eyes now, but I didn't do anything to comfort her. She didn't deserve it. "After a few months, I found out he was in a gang. One of the strongest gangs in the city. I began helping him. I went around selling drugs and all sorts of other stuff. One day, I decided I had enough. Instead of delivering the drugs that I needed to deliver, I threw them out. He began blackmailing me because he lost 30,000 or 35,000 dollars because of what I did. He wouldn't let me leave. That's the whole truth." She said sadly.

I was at the point where I was shaking. She was no mother at all. She was a messed up lady who made the worst choices ever, and now I was paying for her actions. "What am I supposed to do?!" I screamed in frustration. "For your stupid mistake?! What am I supposed to do?! Can't I go to the police?" I asked.

She sighed. "The police won't believe you. I'm over here sitting in jail. Do you really think they're gonna believe the daughter of a lady that's in jail? Also, letting the police know about all this will only get you in more trouble considering the fact that he'll find out." 

After a couple minutes of silence, she began speaking again. "I'm not a bad person, Ava. Believe me, I'm not." 

"You're right." I said while getting up from my seat. "You're worse than that. I hope you realize that just because you are my mom doesn't mean you can treat me however you want and expect me to still stay. I'm eighteen now. I no longer need you in my life. We had the best times ever, mom. While dad was with us, everything was wonderful. I won't lie about that. But mom," I swallowed back the lump forming in my throat. "You hurt me so badly. Do you know how many times I almost died? I was always your stress reliever. You had a bad day, you came home and kicked me hard enough for there to be a terrible, painful, bruise on my stomach. I didn't listen to you and you decided to grab a knife and slit my skin." I pulled my sleeve up to show her. "Do you see this?! You did this. These demon scars are all over my body because of you and they remind me every single day how damn unfortunate I was to have a mother like you! I used to go to stores and see mothers hugging their children or smiling at them like they were the single greatest things to have ever happened to them! And I cried, mom! I used to stand there and cry because that's all I wanted." I was sobbing, but I continued. "I pushed everyone away because of you. I realized that if my own mother couldn't love me, why would anyone else?!" I was screaming and crying and I was brought back to the time I suffered through that pain. "Was it that hard to love me?" I choked back a sob. "Was it really that hard?" My voice cracked. 

I felt two arms wrap around me and I realized that after years, she was finally hugging me. "I'm so sorry, Ava." She cried. "You are so beautiful. It could never be hard to love you. It was all my fault and I wish so badly that I could rewind time and fix every mistake I made." She whispered.

I pushed her away. "But  you can't." I whispered. "You can't fix anything anymore." I wiped my tears. "I forgive you mom. I do. But that doesn't mean things can be how they were."

Sometimes you have to let go, no matter how hard it is. That doesn't mean you stop loving the person. It simply means that you need to learn to let go and survive without that person. "There's one thing I need to know before I leave." I took out a pen and paper from my bag. "Where is Ricky's warehouse? Write down the address."

"That's too dangerous! You can't go there! His entire gang will kill you!"

"You have no right to act like a mother now. What I do after I leave today is no longer any of your business. Do me one last favor, and write down the address. Please." I pleaded.

She finally gave up and wrote down the address. If she couldn't stop Ricky, I had to. I had to go and put an end to all of this. Even if it meant putting my life on the line. She handed the paper back to me and smiled at me. I captured that moment of her smiling in my head and saved it as a final memory. I smiled back and turned away. This was goodbye.

"Ava.." She said, and I knew from her voice that she was trying her hardest not to cry. "A mother, no matter how bad she is, does care about her children. You, my child, deserve to live the greatest life ever. I just know you'll grow up and be a beautiful being. A mother wishes the best for her child and I wish you all the best. But before you go, there's one last thing I need to know." She said softly. "You don't hate me, do you?" 

Without turning around, I answered her question. "I could never hate you. You've made mistakes and have caused me physical and emotional pain. But it's alright. I can't hate you for making mistakes." I grabbed the door handle. "I love you so much, mom. I hope one day you can get out of here and start a new life." Goodbyes were meant to be depressing, so I didn't fight the tears. "Goodbye, mom."

I turned the handle and walked out of the room, shutting the door. And as I stood there, leaning against the door, I cried harder than I ever did in my life. 

The only thing standing between us at the moment was a closed door. As I walked away from that door, and as I walked away from my mom, I realized that some doors are best when they remain closed.