The Life of a Spy: A Chuck Fanfiction

Chapter 28

A couple of days later, Devon came by to check on me. I hadn't been feeling particularly chatty since that night, and everyone was starting to worry. "You can't shut down on us," he told me.

"Why not? Seems like the best option. Your lives would all be so much easier without me. John's especially. I'm sure the conversation with Alex about how he's dating someone her age had to go over fantastically," I snapped.

I'd been seriously considering moving back into my apartment in DC. Maybe that way I'd stop being a burden, because that's all I felt like. I clearly wasn't adding value to anyone else's life in the condition I was in.

"You've got to talk to someone, Kat," Devon said.

"That's what my shrink is for," I told him.

"Where's John?" he asked.

"I gave him my blessing to go back to work. He practically ran out of here," I responded bitterly. "I'm fine," I lied.

"Don't lie. I know you're not fine. You can feed anyone else that line, but not your family. We can see that you're hurting, but we can't help if you won't tell us what's wrong."

Why is it the person who married into this family seemed to give more of a crap about how I was than my brother and sister? "There's nothing anyone can do, so why burden anyone with it?"

"You don't know that," Devon replied softly.

"What can you do to make me feel whole again? Make me feel human again? Or make me feel like I'm not a burden, holding everyone back? Everyone else gets to move on, but not me! I'm right back on that goddamn table every time I close my eyes!" I started to sob, and he tried to reach for me. I pulled back from his reach quickly.

He held his hands up in surrender. "You can't bottle this up. It's not healthy," he said quietly.

I rolled my eyes, "I know everyone is tired of dealing with me. Casey and Sarah ran off back to work the second they were cleared. Chuck and Morgan are off looking for our mom," I spat. "Yeah, I know about that! And it hasn't escaped my notice that Ellie is pregnant, but hasn't bothered to tell me."

"We weren't sure when the right time to tell you was," he explained.

"Sure," I deadpanned.

"Would it help if I got Morgan to apologize for what he said?" Devon offered.

"No. The damage is done. Nothing that little freak can say will make anything better. Knowing Organ, he'll just put his foot in his mouth again," I shrugged.

He took a slow deep breath and let it out before speaking again. "If you keep this up, you're going to push everyone away, and then you really will be alone."

"Okay." My shrink said the same thing.

I spent the time that Castle was empty, beating the shit out of a punching bag. One afternoon, General Beckman popped up on the monitor in the room. "Is that really a good idea Kat?"

"I mean, my feet hurt, but I don't care," I replied.

"How are you coping?" she asked.

I laughed. "I don't know. I feel like there are a hundred things I want to say that I can't, because it's just going to do more harm than good," I explained.

"You need someone, Kat."

"I don't have anyone."

"Did you really forget about me, Jail Bait?" I spun so quick when I heard the voice behind me. Standing there was an old friend. Tyler Johnson. We went through the academy together.