Jenny
Matt finally stopped working for Rob and Scotch. He started visiting Le Café everyday with the rest of us. When we’re all working, he sits with Jake, Steve, May and Drew. We all enjoy his company but Krys clearly does the most. They spend a long time talking every day. Sometimes in private and other times in the open. I think they like being able to talk without hiding so they do it as much as they can. They’re adorable. Ever since Nick, Joe and Matt found out I was a cutter, I’ve become depressed. It didn’t help much to find out that B.B thought I was worthless. I don’t cut though. I can’t have more people find out. So I switch to another form of self-harm. I stop eating. I like the control. I may not be able to stop Nick, Joe and Matt from seeing my cuts or change B.B’s mind about how worthless I am to Super Six but I can make my weight drop and have self-control. People may call me little and stuff but I’m not skinny and like most girls I want to lose weight.
Starving myself is easy enough at first. I tell my friends at lunch that I’m eating later. I skip breakfast which is normal anyway. Dinner is harder. My parents are usually done eating by the time I get home from Le Café so I hide the food they made me in my backpack and throw it out at school. Sometimes I lie and say I got to eat at Le Café before I left. But as time goes on, people notice my lack of eating. Mute confronts me about it first. He seems to notice everything. “Hey Jenny.” He begins casually. “Hi.” I say smiling up at him. “I saw you in the hallway today,” he says uneasily. “Why didn’t you say hi?” I ask. “I dunno. I just saw you throwing away your lunch and I was wondering why.” He explains. I feel all the blood leave my face. I know now I probably look whiter than chalk. “Oh . . . I just bought lunch today cause my yogurt was expired.” I lie. Mute narrows his eyes. I think I’m a pretty good liar but at this point I feel like they all know about me. Mute doesn’t seem to buy it. Starving myself probably wouldn’t shock them.
I start being more careful when I throw away my food. I start throwing all my food out at Le Café. There’s less of a chance an over-involved teacher will catch me doing it. But at Le Café there are no shoving children to distract anyone. Krys sees me throwing away my lunch and last night’s dinner. “Jenny?” she asks while I’m quickly shoving chunks of cold sticky noodles into the tiny plastic trash can. I whirl around red-faced. “What?” I squeak. I clear my throat and try again. “What?” I ask my voice shaking. “What are you doing?” she asks. I frantically search my brain for an excuse. I just stand here, my face changing from red to pale like a mood ring. “I’m . . . uh . . .” I stammer. Krys pushes me aside and looks into the garbage. “What is that?” she asks looking at my day-old pasta and my yogurt from lunch. I stay quiet. What can I say? Maybe I could say it’s a customer’s but would she really believe that? We don’t sell yogurt at Le Café. “Jenny?” she asks again. “What?” I snap angrily. “Why are you throwing away your food?” she asks quietly. I stay quiet and use my last option. Beg. “Please don’t tell anyone.” I whisper. “So you’re starving yourself?” she asks. I shake my head. “Just don’t tell anyone.” I plead. She looks around. “I won’t but you have to eat.” She orders firmly. I nod. But I won’t eat.
I start throwing my food away at my last resort. The Vacant Hallway. It’s the only place where no one will see me. I’ve gone four days without eating anything and two days before that where I ate a little to satisfy anyone who was looking. But I haven’t had an actual meal in six days. I’m beginning to get short hunger pains. I’m exhausted all the time and collapse in my bed every night. Lately, I’ve been feeling dizzy and almost fall over at random times. So while I scoop my food into the garbage, I lean against the wall. I can’t stop this. It would make me a weak-willed little self-harmer with no self-control. I watch globs of yogurt pour out of the bottle. No matter what flavor of yogurt I buy, it all looks like pink gack and tastes the same. I don’t even care about throwing that away. I keep scooping it into the garbage until I hear footsteps on the stairs. It sounds like two people. I just dump my whole lunch box in the garbage and pull out my phone to look occupied. I see two pairs of shoes and here Nick’s voice. “Bitch.”
