Movies I Like That Everyone Else Hates

Flatliners (2017)

And now, I'm going to do something rare. I'm going to talk about a movie I hate! And since it's still October, I'm going to talk about what may honestly be one of the worst horror movies ever! A film that's lamer than The Mummy (2017), and you've got to stoop pretty low to be lamer than that! Yeah, The Mummy was bad, but at least it was hilarious to make fun of. This film isn't even scary! I'm of course talking about the 2017 remake to Flatliners. What's that you say? You've never heard of the original Flatliners released on August 10, 1990? A film starring the hottest stars (at the time) such as Kiefer Sutherland and Julia Roberts, and directed by Bat Credit Card himself, Joel Schumacher. You'd be forgiven for not knowing about the 1990 horror film. I didn't. You knew the 2017 version was going to be inconsistent when the studio can't even make up their mind on whether it's supposed be a sequel or a remake! Anyway, there's a story as to why I hate Flatliners (2017). And I'm going to tell it.

A year ago, on this very day, I went on my first and only date. I was in a relationship at the time I got my new account here. I believe I was still working on Simply Meant To Be. My now ex-girlfriend's name was Allie. On this day, Allie asked me if I'd like to go on a double date. It would be me and her, with her Lowe's coworker and her boyfriend. (Right, Allie worked at Lowe's.) I was open to the idea, so I said sure. We met with the other couple, and went to a Chinese restaurant for dinner. Allie wanted me to play it straight, which meant no funny impressions. I should point out that Allie was 5 years older than me, but also autistic like me. I didn't see the signs on how bad our relationship was. Anyway, afterwards we all decided to go to the Queensgate theater in Richland to catch a movie. I'd made a vow to not watch IT (2017) until Halloween. We had choices. Choices like Blade Runner 2049, Happy Death Day, My Little Pony The Movie. Now, I've never seen the first Blade Runner film. Happy Death Day looked promising. Hell, I would've had more fun watching My Little Pony in theaters. But nope, Allie's coworker wanted to see Flatliners. I'd never even seen the original, but I heard this new version was panned by critics, earning a 4% "Rotten" critical rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and a 34% audience rating. That's lower than Justice League! That film had a critical score of 40% Rotten, while audience scores were a 74%. I wanted to watch Happy Death Day or MLP. But nope, Flatliners it was. I even paid for our tickets. Biggest waste of my money, and I watched The Mummy! Anyway, I knew there were problems, when I saw it was rated PG-13. The original film was rated R. What is Hollywood's deal with remaking R rated films, and neutering them to a PG-13 rating? But it only got worse from there. The characters were all generic dumbasses who were barely likeable. A great example is Ellen Page's character, our main character everyone! How dumb is she? She caused her sister's death! You want to know how? I'll tell you how, because I don't give a flying fuck! I don't give two fucks if I'm spoiling the plot! Anyway, our dumbass hero was texting while driving, hence her sister's death! It's amazing how Ellen Page's character is dumber than Ash Williams! The only character I liked was Diego Luna's character, because he was the only one with a decent morality who didn't "Flatline" and wasn't a dumbass! Not like the main characters from the original version were likable either. Speaking of the original version, Kiefer Sutherland was in the remake! But his role was more pointless than anything. It was as pointless Sia's performance as Songbird Serenade in the MLP Movie! (Come at me Bronies and Pegasisters, Songbird Serenade added nothing special to the movie! It was more of an excuse for Sia to get a paycheck!)

Anyway, the plot was lame, boring, and predictable as fuck! And not even fucking scary! And some of the actors couldn't even act out of a paper bag! I hated it, but my ex thought it was a great film!  It's jarring how she thought it was great. IT was a better horror film! I never told her how much I disliked Flatliners. But now that we're done, it no longer fucking matters! Now you know why I make Flatliners the butt of my jokes in my stories. But anyway, my point is, Flatliners is one of the worst horror films I've ever wasted my money on, and is dead on arrival! I hope I never have to see that piece of shit ever again! Anyway, I'll go back to talking about movies I like that everyone else hates in the next chapter.