Love On the Brain (Corey Crawford)

10| Climbing Moutains

Corey

We started the first part of our circus trip up in Canada. For four games we were north of the border taking on the teams out here and trying to get some road points.

Jessica has never been to Canada before, and it's important to her that we work in places where we can grow. There's not a place I would rather grow than in my home country.

"Wow... this place is beautiful" she gasps as we walk around. On one side of the city of Calgary was mountains and on the other side was downtown with tall buildings like in Chicago. I'm not going to lie, this was probably my favorite city to be in, but I'll give Montreal a close second.

"It's pretty great. I was born all the way on the other side of the country but my family and I always came out here for tournaments when I was a kid. I always had these tournaments circled because I was so excited to be here" I explain.

"What was your childhood like" she questions.

"It was pretty good. I mean, there's nothing to complain about. My parents loved me, I did a lot of things I wanted to do. I had good idols and role models my whole life. I was pretty lucky" I explain.

"Then where do you feel like things started going wrong for you" she wonders.

"That's hard to say. I always knew I had the skills to be this amazing goal tender. I never doubted myself all that much. But when I started to play in the NHL it was kind of a slap in the face. I looked around and I was surrounded by incredible goaltenders. I had one of those "I don't belong in here" feelings. I knew I was physically capable of playing in the NHL, but it's not like the organization had a goalie that could mentor me coming up in the farm system. Besides the goalie coach everyone who was supposed to help me was gone or on the way out. I mean of course there's the core players here but they're all super stars, the organization was going through goalies like toilet paper at a country concert" I say.

"Have you ever thought that you were what this team was looking for" she asks.

"Yeah, it was all I could think about at times. People were waiting for me to develop down in the AHL so I could round this team out. They had some decent goalies but no one long term. I was the future they were investing in and I choked. I was called up and down three times before I stayed up for good. It was hard to stay focused and stay positive when there was so much talk, that's where the drinking and the anti-depressants came in. My team needed me and needed me to be the best I could possibly be but I choked" I explain.

"Alright. And when was the moment where you knew it was all going to work out" she wonders and I smile.

"When I played my first game in Montreal. My family was there and Carey is a good friend of mine and that was the first time we played each other. I had a great game, it was towards the end of the 2011-2012 season when I was given the starting job for good. It was the start of a bunch of good things for me" I smile.

"Then let that be your fuel to your fire. Don't let it be what other people might say or think about you. Let it be the moment you knew you belonged here with your idols. Let it be your motivation to have your name mentioned with some of the best" she says.

"Hockey's just so hard, one second you're on top of the world and the next second you're lying on the ground. I never let myself feel that high like I did in that game because I know how much it hurts to fall from up there" I explain.

"Look at those mountains over there" she says. "If you stand at the bottom of the mountain and look up what do you think the view is like" she asks.

"Nothing really. Just a bunch of hills" I say.

"Okay. And what would it look like from the top" she wonders.

"Unlike anything I've ever known" I sigh.

"So which one would you rather be looking from" she asks.

"The top" I claim.

"Then if you want to get there you have to go through the ups and downs. There's no elevator to the top of the mountain. You climb and you fight for ever inch you have to walk. It's all earned. And it's worth the struggle and the chance of falling if you ask me. To be high above the crowd, to be able to look around and be proud of what you've done" she says.

"You have to come down sometime" I insist.

"You do, for no view is worth looking at forever. There's a world full of mountains with their own sets of ups and downs and killer views at the top. You just have to be willing to climb them" she says.

"What's it like at the top of your mountain" I wonder.

"I'm the one asking questions here" she claims.

"And you know so much about me and I feel bad because I never get to ask about you. So I am now" I insist.

"I just like helping people" she says.

"It's more than that" I insist.

"I have my motives" she claims.

"Why won't you tell me" I question.

"Because asking questions like that can be dangerous. I'm not going to short cut you, I tell it as it is. And sometimes we won't like the answers we'll get. You have to be careful what you're asking" she insists.

"Alright, then let me ask another question" I say. "Do you like me" I question and she freezes.

"Corey" she says softly.

"And I don't mean do you like who I am. I know you like me as a person, but do you like me more than that" I question.

"Why are you asking this, why now" she questions.

"Because I like you, like like you like you, and if you want this relationship between us to work out for your job then I need to know what you're feeling too, because I'm getting confused. I keep feeling like we have this unspoken connection and neither of us want to say anything because we're both scared of what could happen. But it's eating me up inside, to like you in the way I do and to not make it known. I can't express myself when I'm trying so hard to hold these things back, and that isn't helping either of us accomplish what we want. I really really like you and I need to know if you like me too" I beg.

"I do" she admits. "But that doesn't mean what you think or want it to mean" she insists.

"Why not" I ask.

"I know you don't want to hear this but it is my job to be your life coach, not your girlfriend. While these feelings you have are important, we're still trying to figure out your old ones before we work on these new ones" she claims.

"I get that. I know that this isn't good for you to help me be who I'm supposed to be. But I can't help but feel that you can still help me as something more than a friend" I claim.

"Maybe so. But your people aren't paying me to be your girlfriend. I'm under a contract saying that I am here to be your life coach first and foremost" she says.

"I didn't paint you as the girl to let words on paper tell her what she should think. You said that the mind is the most powerful thing, and if mine wants you then who am I to stop it" I ask.

"If you want anything to work out for you with this job, with this life, then you have to leave this at a mutual admiration and we have to keep moving forward. If you let this collapse around you before you know it you can be trapped under a landslide and you'll never get to the top of your mountain" she says.

"But I know for a fact there's no better view than this one right here" I say as I stare into her eyes.

"You'll never know if you stay down here" she says.

"God... I hate it when you're right" I mumble and she gives me a small smile.

"Come on, lets keep moving" she insists.

"Is this really how this is going to end" I ask.

"This isn't the end of us. Just the end of us right now" she says.

"I wish it were different" I admit and for the first time I see some emotion in her eyes.

"Yeah Corey... me too."