Love On the Brain (Corey Crawford)

30| For Everything

Corey

Today was the last meeting between me and Jess with her as my life coach. For the first and last time we have our meeting in her office to go over things and talk about what happens from here.

"What if I relapse" I wonder.

"You wouldn't do that to yourself" she insists.

"I've done some pretty bad things to myself, why is this any different" I question.

"Because once you see who you are deep down there is no denying that person. Those old things you used to rely on to get through the tough times are no more, you're strong enough to recognize what's happening and how you should react to it. You know that you're worth whatever the price they throw at you, you know that you're strong enough to get through everything that life has in store. You have good relationships and a beautiful mind. I know you can do this" she insists.

"And what if I don't want to fight all the bad stuff off alone" I wonder.

"When you need them the most, the people who love you will be there. You are loved Corey, you have so many great people on your side that you can't be down for too long before someone picks you up" she claims.

"And what if I only want you" I ask and she smiles.

"Even if I leave I'm still going to be here for you. I'll be one call away and I'll think of every excuse to come back" she says.

"But it's not the same. I can't just show up at your door to hang out. I can't admire you every time you look away then I try to look like I'm doing something besides admiring you when you look back. I will never get this feeling that I have with you when I'm with someone else. I don't want someone else, I want you" I say as the tears start to form.

"I'm forever yours. You are someone that means the world to me, and I want nothing more than you to be happy and healthy. You team needs you and your family needs you. You beat your concussion and you beat all the other odds you've faced up until today. You did that, not me. I was just lucky enough to have a front row seat to watching an incredible man take life by its horns and live in it instead of being controlled by it" she says.

"But all I want is to enjoy the little moments with you. I want to be in the present cherishing each thing life gives to me. I know that my mind controls my life and if I want a positive one I have to have positive thoughts. And all I can think about is you, and I keep thinking about you but I know that there's a good possibility you're not going to be there. I don't want to be missing you, I don't want to do the things in this life that make me happy without you" I sniffle.

"Oh Corey" she says as she rests her hand on top of mine. "You've come so far, just listen to yourself. You know yourself better than anyone and now you know that you are enough. You know that life happens to you and you're mindset is what happens next. I'm so proud of how far you've come. Watching you grow was like watching the flowers bloom in a garden. But you are the water and the soil that was here the whole time and you just forgot to add it to your garden every once in a while. But now your garden is in full bloom and you have something pretty beautiful to show the world. Now go show them" she insists.

"What if they don't listen. No one listens like you" I say.

"Make it so they have to listen. And I'm not saying to tell them what they want to hear, tell them who you are and who you're going to be and they won't have a choice but to listen and to believe in you, just as I do" she says as she squeezes my hand.

"God I feel like we're breaking up" I admit and she giggles.

"Sure does hurt a hell of a lot more than I thought it would" she agrees.

"Do I at least get my picture on the wall" I ask.

"You do. And you can even put it up" she says as she opens her desk drawer. She pulls out s picture in a frame and hands it to me.

It was a picture from New Years that Lindsey made us take. We were never touchy or even seen much in public in our six months of knowing each other. Her and I aren't allowed to be together under contract and to keep things professional we didn't get pictures often. But it was my birthday and New Years Eve and she looked too good, it would be a shame not to get a pic. So Lindsey took this one and I have to admit, it was really cute. We were so happy together, for a little while our relationship wasn't for work, it was for admiration and it was beautiful. I didn't know it at the time but that night changed my whole outlook on life. It was the first time I knew that no matter what I did in this life I wanted to do it with her by my side, and now I don't know if I can.

I put our picture up with the others and we step back to look at it.

"Damn, we look good together" she admits.

"Do you think we are going to end up together if you stay" I wonder.

"I don't know, that's hard to say" she claims. "But I do know that I wanted you to be a part of my forever and now you might not be able to be."

"Do you not believe in long distance" I question.

"Not at all. You miss out on so much of people's lives trying to live in yours in one place while trying to build one together somewhere else. It's not that it can't be done, it's that it's hard to enjoy it if it is. Distance is nothing but a number until you have no shoulder to cry on and no one to hold" she says.

"I don't think I can ever let you go" I admit.

"Good" she smirks.

"I'm serious Jess" I insist. "The way you make me feel is like no other. There's isn't a person in this world I think is better than you."

"Please stop" she begs as she hides her blush behind her hair.

"I will never stop admiring you" I insist as I place a piece of hair behind her ear. She smiles up at me as I keep my hand on her cheek. She places her hand on the other side of mine and I smile back at her.

"Thank you Corey, for everything" she says.

"The pleasure was all mine."