Love On the Brain (Corey Crawford)

16| Not Broken, Just Bent

Corey

Do you want to know what the worst feeling in the world is? It's saying something you never meant and you never should have said then immediately wishing you could take it back even though you can't. Then it's knowing that your words hurt someone you deeply care about and they will never be able to forget what you said or how you made them feel. You can't undo words, and the ones we want to undo are usually the ones that are the hardest to take back. And you can never take it back.

But no matter what damage it causes or the reason why it was said, it is done. There's no going back. You can't take back the pain those words cause and you can't take back the pain you feel knowing that you said them.

I never wanted to hurt her, I was trying to make it so she didn't make the whole head injury thing into a big deal because I wasn't ready to accept that my job is a problem to my health. I didn't want to say out loud that I was scared of getting hit in the head and that when I do get hit it negatively effects me. But it is a big deal, I know that. I've had my fights with concussions all my life and I wouldn't say I won any of those. I'm still here but just like those words, the damage is done. I want to act like they don't matter because I was scared. I don't want to be a victim to something that I did to myself. Concussions take everything you have in your brain and jumbles it up. If the mind is a path to who I am then my mind with a concussion is a path to how it will all end.

And I didn't want to admit it and she did. That's not her fault, I shouldn't have brought her dad into this or say that she wasn't a good enough reason for someone to stick around. I've had brain problems, I know her dad couldn't control what he felt or what he thought. He probably loved his family more than anything, seeing as they were always there for him waiting with open arms for him to return home. They wanted him no matter what went through his mind and that says a lot.

And now I see just how true the mind becomes actions and words. I see how what I think is how I act and that if I'm not careful my off state of mind could get me into trouble.

I've called Jessica 10 times in the last three days and she never answered. She's not in her office and my friends said they haven't heard from her either. It's like she dropped off the face of this earth. And while I was scared of what I would become because of her, I was more scared of who I am without her. Because that's someone I don't like very much, it's not someone I'm proud of. She gave up a lot to get me to see who I was deep down, she opened up about her own struggles and she made me feel so safe. Then I went and ruined it because I was scared.

So I go into the little diner where her and I often shared a meal. I order my food and her food too in the hopes she would show up like we always had scheduled in the mornings. But as the minute hand moves around the clock it becomes obvious she isn't coming. Her work said she had taken a personal vacation and didn't say when she would be back. But I missed her, I missed us. And most of all I missed knowing that she would be there no mater what, I guess what I said was worse than no matter what.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but I don't think she's coming. Do you want me to box this up for you" the waitress who usually waits on us asks.

"Can you give this to a homeless person" I wonder as I point to her food and she smiles.

"It would make my heart happy" she admits and I smile.

"Cool. Then I can take the check now" I insist.

"You finally gonna go home" she asks as she slides me the check across the table.

"Yeah. It will be a lot better if I cry there than if I broke down here" I smirk.

"Nothing I haven't seen before" she assures me.

"Have you ever had your heart broken" I wonder.

"I'm a waitress, of course I've had my heart broken" she teases. "But I've always learned that the strongest bonds only bend, they don't break. And I don't know much about you and your girl who could afford to go anywhere in town but somehow found a love for this little old place. But I do know a good thing when I see it, and you two have it and so much more. I really hope that whatever it is that's happening passes and you guys will find each other again" she claims.

"I don't know, I messed up pretty bad. She warned me about this and I said some things anyway. I know she's only hurt because she cares about me and she wants me to live the best life I can dream up of, but without her it's more like a nightmare" I admit.

"I'm sorry to hear that sunny. You seem like your hearts in the right place, but sometimes the mind is just as important" she claims and I laugh.

"You sound a lot like her" I admit.

"I listen to you guys. You have some great conversations" she says.

"We did. I would do anything to hear her voice again" I sigh.

"If you love something, let it go. If it was yours it will come back. If it doesn't it was never yours in the first place" she says.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because now I'm scared she'll never come back" I admit.

"It's supposed to tell you that if it's meant to be, it will be. No force or feeling of anger can keep two things apart if the bond is strong. You know, not broken, just bent" she explains.

"Even if it's bent it's damaged" I say.

"That's one way of looking at it. Or you can see it for it is and that's everything it's supposed to be" she says.

I hand her my card and she slips away to ring up my food. She places my card back on the table and I just sit there as I stare at where she would be sitting if she were here now. I let out a long sigh as I choke back my tears. The feeling of sadness washed over me as I realized that I messed up so bad and now I'm not sure I can ever fix it.