Love On the Brain (Corey Crawford)

15| In My Head

TW: Suicide
Jessica

After having breakfast at the diner with Corey like we often times do I go over to johnnies ice house to watch him practice. He insisted I come watch and I honestly couldn't think of anything better to do with my morning, trust me, I tried. Then afterwards we were going to go to his place to make some lunch and maybe watch a Christmas movie. Who knows?

So once practice concludes I follow him over to his apartment and up to his place. He offers me a drink and we end up in the kitchen to make some food. And when I realize he doesn't have any food because he doesn't know how to cook he slips a pizza in the oven and waits for it to be done.

"Is that a bruise on your head" I ask as I softly push his hair back. He flinched a little when my fingers run over the bruise but he stands his ground. Right on his hairline was a nice big bruise that looked pretty fresh.

"Yeah, probably. Whenever a puck hits my mask it makes my mask hit my head and I end up with some pretty nasty bruises" he explains.

"Is that safe" I ask.

"Probably not, but all the goalies go through it. The worst thing that can happen is a concussion... but it's nothing" he shrugs and I raise a eyebrow at him.

"A concussion isn't nothing. That is a huge deal, your brain will never be the same again after that type of damage is done. If it happens repeatedly then it's irreversible. It's not just physical damage but mental damage too. The side effects of a concussion is nothing to just shrug off" I insist.

"I've had many concussions before and I'm still here. The worst thing I've ever had to deal with is thoughts of being suicidal, but I will never actually do it" he claims.

I freeze in my spot as I look straight through him. I could not believe that he just said he had been suicidal like it's not a big deal. Like he hasn't thought about taking his life before. It is a huge deal if he's thought about killing himself. That is something he should have brought up when we met two months ago when we started this thing.

"Do you really think having suicidal thoughts isn't a big deal" I ask.

"It's just in my mind, I wasn't actually going to kill myself" he defends.

"Just the mind? Everything you do starts in the mind as a thought. Every action you have was once just in the mind, sitting there waiting for you to make it a action. There isn't a single thing you will ever do that wasn't a product of what is happening in your mind. So you saying you have thoughts about killing yourself is a huge fucking deal" I nearly yell.

"I promise you it's not that bad. It happened once or twice then the concussion went away and it's over with and I move on" he says.

"Those kinds of things don't go away. What happens in your mind isn't just over with, thoughts don't simply disappear into thin air. My dad battled suicidal thoughts off and on for years and it was never constant. One day he felt fine and the next day he was gone. He ended up taking his own life one night because his brain finally caught up to him and he made up his mind" I explain.

"Well I'm not your dad" he argues and I stop.

"You're sure not. Because when he was suicidal he did something about it instead of telling himself it wasn't a problem just because he was afraid that it was. At least he had something he wanted to live for" I say.

"Obviously nothing good enough if he's not here anymore" he replies.

I feel the tears quickly build up in my eyes as I stand there frozen. I knew I wasn't the reason my father left, but I wasn't the reason he stayed either. I'm no match for what evils he had running around his head, but I still loved him and I know he still loved me. And hearing Corey say that our love wasn't strong enough for him to push through whatever it was he was fighting hurt. It hurt worse than anything I've ever known.

"Oh my god... Jess. I didn't mean that" he begs as he steps towards me. He reaches out for me but I shrug him off.

"I have to go" I whisper.

"Please don't leave. I didn't mean it" he insists.

"For the first time since my dad passed away I thought I had found a man who would be worth it. I thought you were different and that you had it all figured out. But you obviously don't if you think that what you said is okay.

If you haven't found whatever it is you want to live for, I hope you do. I hope it's something that makes everything worth it. Because you've won the Stanley cup and the gold medal, and you still haven't found what you're looking for. For what you so desperately want. And I hope you find it and you treat it good. I hope you hold it in your heart forever.

Because one day that might be all you have left. You can't see that what you think eventually becomes a part of your life. You don't see how all your negative thoughts give you a negative life, just as your positives ones give you a positive life. But you can keep thinking that life makes a exception for you because you're a goalie and goalies get hit in the head all the time. One time you'll get hit so hard you won't get back up. And you'll reach out for that one thing that you live for and it won't be there. You'll be alone and disappointed and you'll forget everything we talked about because it won't matter any more.

You'll be too far gone" I say as I pick up my purse.

"Jessica please" he begs as he grabs my arm. I wipe away my tears as I just shake my head.

"You're a great guy Corey, one of a kind. I've worked with a lot of people and you... you were special. I loved learning about you and getting to know you. I loved that you felt that you could share anything with me and that you were willing to break your rules for me.

But this... this is something that I am not being paid to do. I can't lose another person I care about to the mind. I can't watch someone I care about lose their life to something that I had a part in again. I just can't" I insist.

I softly push him off of me as I head to the door. He stands in front of me as he blocks the exit trying to keep me here.

"You can't leave. I need you Jessie, I need you in every way possible. I can't do this without you" he claims.

"Use your mind, actually use it and you'll be fine" I insist. I grab the door handle and start to open the door but he puts his hand on top of mine.

"I don't want to lose you" he whispers. "You promised that you would never leave me, remember?"

"I promised that I would never leave, but I never promised that I was going to sit around and watch you willingly throw your life away. I can't stay if you think that what you've been doing is okay. I don't want to lose you either. That's why I need to go" I say. Finally he moves and I walk out the door. I go to the elevator and look back one last time. I see him wipe a tear off his face as I turn back around.

"Goodbye... Corey" I whisper.