Love On the Brain (Corey Crawford)

28| Slowly but Surely

Corey

"Why do we always come to this diner for breakfast" I question as Jess sits across from me with the same food she gets every time she comes here. Two scrambled eggs, toast with butter and two strips of bacon with a hot chocolate.

"Because while I don't like going to the office because it gets too familiar, I like coming to this place often because it constantly changes and it's still something we can be familiar with.

Plus I'm tired of cooking and you don't know how to. And I don't have to fight you for the tv remote when we're here" she explains and I laugh.

"Alright. Fair enough" I nod. "What's on tap for today" I wonder.

"That depends on how your mind is" she claims.

"I don't know, I'm feeling pretty good besides this headache" I admit.

"When do you think you'll be back on the ice" she wonders.

I was close to being back at practice but I had to wait until I had zero concussion symptoms and I wasn't quite there yet. I was close, but we didn't want to risk anything.

"Whenever I'm ready" I shrug.

"Physically or mentally" she asks and I smile.

"Mostly mentally. I mean, physically there isn't much I couldn't do for the sport. Once the concussion symptoms are gone the only thing stopping me is me" I explain.

"You're scared" she accuses.

"I am" I admit. "I don't know how many times I have to get hit in the head before it's too late."

"Once" she says softly. "You can't undo a concussion. Brain damage is permamnt and there's nothing you can do to undo the the damage.

But that doesn't mean you lose, it doesn't mean it's over for you. Only you decide when it's over, nothing else. And I know you want to play until you can play no more. Just please... be careful" she begs.

"My job is to be the one thing that is standing between the net and a puck that five other guys are trying to shoot at me. There's not much about that that's careful" I insist.

"I'm not talking about when you're on the ice. I'm talking about what happens when you get off it. Because when you're out there you're in the moment your adrenaline kicks in and you could die out there and you wouldn't even notice.

But the moment you leave the ice it all hits you and that's what you're scared of. That feeling of when it's over and you're not sure what you should do next. You're better now than you were before, you don't have to keep tearing yourself down and building yourself up. You're up, and now comes the hard part of staying up" she explains.

I know all about how hard it is to stay at the top. Being on this team, night in and night out there's so much expected from us. We were the best hockey team of this decade so far, of the 6 championships since 2010 we have three of them. I'm well aware of how hard it is to stay at the top.

"I think I can figure it all out. I know I can write or talk to you if things don't go as planned" I say.

"No matter what happens after our time here is done I want you to know that I'll always be here for you. We will always have places like this where we can come and just be" she says.

"You've made this place a place I want to go, this world a place I want to love in, a place I want to make mine" I admit.

"The feeling is mutual" she blushes.

"Alright. So what are we doing to do today" I wonder.

"It's pretty nice outside, and to keep your head from feeling like it's going to explode why don't we go for a walk" she wonders.

"That sounds great" I smile.

We pay for our food before going over to the botanical garden. It was pretty early into spring so the flowers weren't fully in bloom but they were there. It was pretty quiet as it wasn't quite time for tourists yet, the water wasn't warm enough. But I liked the quiet, something that Jessica taught me about myself. Because I used to surround myself with so much chatter I couldn't hear my cries for help. I couldn't hear what people were telling me. I couldn't hear what I wanted to know or do. But now I can listen, and I can trust that whatever I come up with is a good idea and it's all thanks to her.

And as much as I try not to think about it, I know there's a chance she probably won't be in my life anymore after this month. I know that I can't be the thing that's keeping her here. But at the same time there's other people like me who need her, who she can save from themselves as she has done for me. It would be a disservice to hold her here because of my feelings, no matter how strong. I guess if you love something you have to let it go...

"I don't think I've ever seen you so deep in thought before, I'm kind of scared to ask what's turning up there" she claims.

"I was just wondering if you were going to leave me" I tease.

"I don't know..." she trails off.

"I don't want you to stay because of me" I insist.

"I don't want to leave because of you" she smirks.

"I know that what we have is one of a kind, I know that those boys could never duplicate it and I'll never find someone like you. There's no one I would trust with my life like I did with you. No one I feel like I could get through anything like I can with you.

And while it's hard to imagine my life without you in it, it's even harder for me to imagine you not helping other people like me who need you" I say.

"And what about me, what I want" she asks.

"What do you want" I ask.

"I don't know" she whispers.

"That doesn't sound like you" I insist.

"It happens" she teases. "I just want to make the right choice. You know how we talked about consequences, well you'll always have to live with them. No matter what I do I will have to live with the consequences of my decision, like always, and I don't know which ones I can live with and which ones I can live without" she says.

"Live with me" I joke and she nudges my side. "I'm kidding... kind of."

"There's a river between what I want and what I need. I just don't know what to do" she sighs.

"Hey now, you're a smart girl, you'll know what to do. Use that powerful mind of yours and make it your reality" I insist and she smiles.

"Look at that, you've learned so much" she says.

"Looks like I have" I smile back.