tree climber-- clifford

XVII {seventeen}

Everything changes . I'm devastated and scared.

AM

I woke up to a strange feeling. My arm felt numb. I knew why, but my mind felt different. I felt as though I couldn't have done that. I know I did, and no, it wasn't because I was drunk. I did what I did when I was sober. It wasn't a drunk mistake. I'm not even sure if it was a mistake. I did it for a reason. I've given up. My life has no reason to keep going, so I just- started to kill myself, I guess. I've been slowly killing myself for years anyways. And, Michael, he had kept me afloat for awhile. I felt loved and I felt like I had a purpose. Now, I've got nothing.

I never thought that I'd been in this place again. it almost feels foreign. Then again, it doesn't. It still burns as much, and stings as much as it did before. I still feel it, and I still live it. Living it, is so tough. That's why I makes you want to end your life. The overwhelming feeling, numbness, to waking up and having no hope is just, the worst. That's all I can say, really. I can't describe it to you, if you've never felt it before. But, if you have, you know what I'm talking about. This weight of defeat is put upon your heart and your shoulders. You live with it, until you decide to die. It's one of those things that helps you push yourself to decide if you really are going to fully give up or not. I don't think I've completely given up yet, but I can tell that I'm on the road there. Once you get that thought in your head, it doesn't go away. You carry that around. The feeling of, wow, just add to the pile of shit in my life, I'll be gone soon type of thing. It's so, so terrible. I wish it upon no one. You start to not care about what happens to you, because you know that it doesn't matter, and that you'll be gone anyway.

-

Going through school is hard. Walking around, covering my arms like I used to. It's hard, because people ask me in class. "Autumn, why are you wearing a sweater? It's like eighty degrees."

I know, you asshole, thanks.

Michael saw me, walking into the courtyard. Calum smiled, so did Luke and Ash, but Michael... he turned around to see what they were looking at, saw me, and turned around like he'd never seen me before in his life. That really really, broke my heart. I mean, yes, it was practically broken before, but c'mon. I decided then, that yes, I could end my life. No one would care, especially Michael. But, I probably wouldn't.

I saw Michael again at lunch, when Calum said hi to me quickly. He just looked around and avoided my eyes. With that, they walked away, and I ran to the bathroom and cried.

Michael had given up on me, didn't he? I can't even tell what went on, or what went wrong, to be honest. It's all too blurry from the lies.

After school, I was standing next to my locker, waiting for the person below me to get finished. Michael walked my way, but I hadn't noticed in time. I was too busy scratching my wrist. Since it's all wrapped up, it itches constantly.

Mgc

I saw her arm. I did. It hurts me, probably more than it hurts her. She raised her sweater to scratch the bandages. And she hadn't even known I had seen.

I want to ask her what happened that night, but I don't dare. I wonder if Calum knows. God, if Calum knows, we're going to have a huge issue. Calum would know, and not her god damn boyfriend.

Michael you shit head, you declared to her that you weren't her boyfriend. You screwed it all up. Again.

Shut up a.sstard.

AM

I got home and mom was gone. I'm already bored, and I just got home. I decided to call Calum'and ask him if he wanted to hang out.