c o o p e r *
TW: ANXIETY; another mental health-related (sorta) story!
"Has Tyler been distant with you too?" I ask his sister, Melanie, on Thursday morning before class.
"Not really...why?" she asks me.
"He's just been off with me, and I'm not exactly sure why. I mean, I know I'm his best friend but I'm not naive enough to think that he's not mad at me or anything. I just wanna know what's wrong."
"And I'm not naive enough to think that you haven't tried to talk to him."
"Yeah, because I have. Several times, actually."
"I'm going to be honest with you, I do know what's wrong, but I think it's best if you heard it from him."
I nod and thank her, then head to my first-period class early.
After school, I find Tyler. Walking up to him, I put my hand on his back.
"Hi!" I say.
"Hey," he says. He sounds upset--not really mad, but kind of annoyed, maybe a little bit sad?
"Everything ok?"
"I'm fine, Cooper!" He walks away from me.
"Wait! Wait!" I say as I run after him. "Come over tonight."
"I can't," he says. "But why?"
"Because...I wanna see you...spend time with you. You're my best friend, Ty."
"You can come over around five..."
I walk up the stairs to his bedroom, knocking on his door and going in when he says 'Come in'.
"Hey!" I greet, sitting down on his bed.
"Hey," he says. His voice still sounds sad.
"Is everything okay?"
"Why do you keep asking me that?!"
"Because I'm worried about you!"
"You shouldn't have come over here."
"Tyler!"
"I just want you to know I love you, but you should probably leave." He says, I don't argue, although I should, and I walk out of his house.
I dial Melanie's number as I drive down the road after backing out of his driveway.
"Tyler just like...threw me out. Before he told me I should leave, he said 'I just want you to know I love you'. Melanie, is he okay? He hardly talked to me." By the time I finish talking, I've got tears running down my face as I get in my car and start it.
"Oh, Coop... he's okay... I know he should tell you, and you probably should hear it from him, but I can't let you worry yourself to death... He was diagnosed with anxiety, Cooper." Melanie's voice says through the speaker on my phone.
"What? When?"
"A few months ago."
"Why didn't he tell me?"
"He was scared and ashamed. He's been avoiding you lately because he doesn't want you to get hurt. His anxiety is bad, he's managing it, yes, but it's still hard on him. He thinks that by being around you, you won't want to be friends with him anymore, or that you won't like him anymore...he doesn't want you to get hurt...Cooper, know this, he really does love you."
"I just wanna see him, talk to him, hug him..." I say, and I break down, tears coming harder than before.
"Cooper, it's okay. Please don't cry. I'll talk to you later, Tyler's coming downstairs now. (Who're you on the phone with, Mel?) Your best friend. He's torn up, Tyler. He knows...I had to tell him. Tyler, he's been and will continue to worry himself sick! Tyler, he was crying, I could hear it in his voice!" I don't think I was supposed to hear the end of the conversation, because she hung up directly after.
The next day, Friday, I avoid both Tyler and Melanie. I was up all night crying because I feel like I've been a bad friend for not noticing the signs he was showing before now. The worrying. The reassurance he asks for. I walk to my locker and get my books for my first-period class When Tyler walks in, I hold myself together enough until I can talk to Ms. Brightley.
"Ms. Bright?" I ask as I raise my hand. "May I use the restroom?"
"Of course, Cooper," she says. I get out of my desk and walk out of the classroom and I know Tyler is watching every step I take until I reach the door and disappear down the hallway, going to the bathroom and sliding into a stall. When I saw him...I just lost it. I love him so much, and he's my best friend and I just feel so guilty for not noticing it sooner. I'm not angry...I don't have a right to be angry at him, I just feel so guilty.
When the final bell of the school day rings, signaling that I made it through another day and week of school, I rush out of the class and to my car. On the drive home, I think about going to see Tyler, but my phone starts ringing, and I answer it through the car stereo.
"Hello?" I say.
"Cooper?" Melanie's voice says. "Hey, I think you should come over to talk to Tyler."
"He'll just tell me to leave again."
"No, he won't. I won't let him. Please, Coop? He misses you, and he doesn't want it to be like this, he's just scared of hurting you. Please? He needs you right now.
"W-what time?"
"Probably around 4,"
"Okay."
I press end call and swing by my house really quickly to tell Mom my plans and to change clothes.
I pull into Tyler's driveway at 3:56 and sit in my car for a few minutes, telling myself to breathe. I get out and walk up to the front door and knock. Melanie opens the door, and I get butterflies in my belly. Why am I nervous? He's my best friend.
"He's upstairs," she says. "You can go on up."
I tell her thanks and walk up the stairs to Tyler's bedroom and knock on the door. I hear him get off the bed and open the door. He sees me and pulls me in the room, and into a hug.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." he cries into my shoulder.
"For what, Tyler? It's okay." I say.
"I know...but I didn't tell you, and you got scared and--"
"It's okay, Tyler."
He pulls out of the hug and we sit on his bed.
He fidgets with the gold chain around his neck and looks up at me shyly.
"I didn't tell you because I was scared of being judged, or hurting you. I've been seeing a therapist for it and she's got me on some medication. I'm getting better." he says.
"You know you can tell me anything, right?" I say. "I just want to know that you're okay. You're my best friend, Tyler. I love you, okay?"
"I'm sorry...I just, Cooper, I love you so much and I was just scared of hurting you. I know it sounds weird, but that's what anxiety does sometimes. I missed you so much, but every time I just pushed you away even more because I was scared of hurting you..."
He doesn't reply, but instead, he leans forward and puts one hand behind my head pulling me forward into him and presses his lips against mine. I scoot closer, kissing him back, then pulling him closer to me, more into the kiss. His lips are soft, and he kisses me as if his life depends on it. He breaks the kiss momentarily to meet my gaze, and then leans in again, kissing my lips.
"I'm not letting you go again," Tyler whispers. "Not like that...no, I'm not pushing you away anymore. I love you, Cooper. I love you so much, and I just want you. You're the only one that I want, and I can't express how bad I want you, but I also can't express how much I love you..."
I look at him. "Ty..." I begin, looking at him. I don't know where to start. I didn't think I'd ever confess my feelings, but here I am. "I love you too...I've wanted you for so long, and I know that might sound weird, but I love you, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be with you..."
He pulls me into him, pressing his lips against mine. "Stay over tonight?" he asks me, leaning his head against mine.
"Of course," I whisper, and I see him smile widely before I kiss him.
I'm curled up in Tyler's bed, in his arms as he runs his fingers up and down my back. He kisses my forehead, lifting my chin and kissing my lips. I smile lightly against the kiss, loving both him and the feeling of his lips on mine.
"I love you," he whispers in my ear, kissing my cheek.
"I love you too," I whisper back as he kisses my cheek and then my lips again. Not too long after, I fall asleep in my best friend's--and boyfriend's--arms.
12/21/19
**When they talk about Tyler didn't want to 'hurt Cooper', I do NOT mean physical hurt, but emotional hurt and the like. NOT PHYSICAL HURT!!
