r y a n *
Peyton, I've noticed, has been acting a little weird lately. Before I can mention this, however, my phone dings; it's a text from my girlfriend, Maddie
Maddie- where r u?
Me- I'm with Peyton
Maddie- oh
Maddie- when are you coming over???
Me- probably not today
Me- I'm spending time with Peyton
Me- he's been acting weird lately
Maddie- 🙄
Me- what???
Maddie- nothing
Me- whatever 🙄
I know, I probably shouldn't have said that, but honestly I kinda hope she breaks up with me. At first, it was great! We were really good together, but lately... we're just not working anymore. I don't know about her, but I'm just not happy with her anymore. She's a super nice, sweet girl, and it has nothing to do with her, I just...I'm not feeling it anymore.
"Who was that?" Peyton asks me when I look up from my phone.
"Maddie," I say, looking over to meet his gaze. His facial expression hardens a little bit.
"Everything okay?" I ask him.
He nods. "Yeah, everything's fine."
Whoop. Everything is not fine.
"What did she want?" He asks, even though I know he doesn't want to talk about it.
"Wanted to know when I was coming over," I tell him.
"Oh. So, when are you?"
"When am I what?"
"Going over."
"I'm not."
"Why? She's your girlfriend."
"Yeah, but I want to spend some time with you."
"You don't have to do that out of pity, or whatever."
"What do you mean?"
"I know you'd rather be with her, so go,"
"No, I don't want—"
"I can't do this anymore!" Peyton blurts.
"What? Can't do what anymore??" I ask him.
"This!! I can't pretend it doesn't bother me when you talk about her! When you talk about going over and seeing her! When you constantly text her when you're with me! When—I can't pretend that I'm not in love with you anymore!"
My heart starts to pound. I look at him, my jaw dropping. I get off his bed and go over to him.
"What?" He asks, in a snappish tone.
I don't reply; I put a finger underneath his chin and tip his face towards mine.
"I. Love. You." I say before I lean down and press my lips to his. He pushes me away.
"Why did you just do that?" He asks me. "Just because I said I was in love with you?"
"No, listen, I've liked you for a really long time, now," I whisper, leaning my head against his.
"You're literally just saying that,"
"No, I'm not, and I have proof."
I pull my phone out of my pocket and scroll through my messages with one of my best friends, and cousin, Jaylin. I told her how I felt about Peyton about three months ago. I find the texts and show him the messages.
Fri Oct. 18, 4:56 PM
me- J?
me- can you talk for a few?
me- I need to talk to someone about this, but I can't really talk to anyone else about it
J🍩-yeah, what's up? Is something wrong?
me- no, nothing's 'wrong' I just need to get this off my chest
J🍩-alright go ahead
me- I think I have feelings for Peyton
J🍩- what do you mean?
me- I mean, I'm not happy with Maddie. I want Peyton so badly—more than I should. He makes my heart pound and I get butterflies in my stomach when I see him. I can't stop thinking about him... I feel like I'm constantly thinking about him and wanting to kiss him...
J🍩- you definitely do like him
J🍩- why can't you tell him?
me- because he doesn't like me back
J🍩- how do you know that??
me- because he never showed any signs of liking me
J🍩- maybe he feels like you do
J🍩- and he just doesn't want to say anything
me- I doubt it
me- J, idk what to do
J🍩- tell him you idiot
J🍩- you'll never know if you don't try
J🍩- and we miss 100% of the shots that we do not take.
me- I know, I know
J🍩- don't tell me 'I know'
J🍩- do it
me- fine, but I don't know when I'll do it
J🍩- 🙄
me- I WILL do it
me- I just dk when
J🍩- I guess as long as you do it...
me- exactly!
me- thanks girl!
me- ❤️😘
J🍩- ❤️
He hands me back my phone and stands up, looking into my eyes. It's silent for a few seconds, and then:
"How do I know those aren't fake?" He asks me, touching my chest with his pointer finger.
"Why would I have fake text messages with that saved to my phone?" I ask him, grabbing his hand to make him stop touching me. I slide my fingers in between his.
"I know, but I've just been—"
"Played a lot, I know. But, P, do you really think I'd do that to you?"
He meets my eyes, shaking his head. "No, I-I don't think you would."
I want to kiss him again, but I don't know what he wants, so I refrain from kissing him.
"We can take this step by step," I whisper, looking at our hands.
"Take what 'step by step'?" He asks.
"This. Us."
"What 'us', Ryan? There is no 'us'. You're still with Maddie. You never said you wanted to be with me, you just said that you liked me."
"I thought that was implied, Peyt! I love you, okay! I want to be with you! This—you—this is all I've wanted for so long, Peyton! You are what keeps me whole, and grounded, and sane. Please, I want you, I want to be with you, I want to love you, and be with you! I need you, Peyton."
He looks at me.
"I can't let you do this," he says softly, squeezing my hand while he looks into my eyes.
"Do what, Peyton??" I ask him confusedly.
"Be with me. I can't let you break up with your girlfriend for me. I'll drive you away, we both knows this, Ryan! Why do you think everyone else has left? Everyone else has played with me?"
"No, Peyton! That's not because of you! That's because of them, that's all on them! Peyton, I'm not going to play with you, or get tired of you. I'm not going to leave you!"
"I want to believe you, Ryan, but it's hard,"
I let silence fall between us for a few seconds before I drop his hand and grab his face, pressing my lips to his. I kiss him fiercely, but I try to be gentle. His lips are soft...they're everything I imagined when I imagined kissing him. I pull back from the kiss, leaning my head against his.
"I love you," I say after a moment of almost-complete silence. "I love you so much, and I don't know how else I can tell you that. I don't know how else I can prove it to you."
He closes his eyes for a few seconds before he reopens them and looks at me.
"I love you, too," he whispers softly. "You don't need to prove it to me anymore, but I'm going to ask for reassurance, I need you to—"
"I know, Peyton. I know that. I'm prepared to give you that, too. I'm prepared for all of it, okay? I just want you and I just want us."
He looks into my eyes and nods slowly. I smile a small smile, and then lean in and kiss his lips softly, once more, pulling him close to me.
1/20/20
This is like the fourth or fifth time I've rewritten this, I think, and this is the first time that I love it and am completely happy with it!
