HIM // wolfstar

16 when he was gone

No. It couldn't end like this.

My breath was heavy. My heart was pounding. I stared at the door. It was closing, the movement slow and taunting. I wondered if I could run out before it shut. Though my feet were glued to the floor. I sat still trying to collect my thoughts. What would happen now?

I couldn't find the answer. Would I see him again? Though even if he returned to school, I wasn't sure if he wanted to talk to me again, and I understood why. The way he had felt at the party, the feeling of utter panic... I had made him feel that way. And he was right. He wasn't obligated to answer me, yet I had kept pushing.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and slowly stood up on shaky legs. I had to find him. Who knew what happened if no one found him? Someone had to find him.

My legs somehow started moving. With just a tiny bit of luck, he would be just outside the door. But as I stepped out, the school had never seemed emptier. I had to do something. I needed to do something. My legs started moving again and somehow I ended up in front of Headmaster Dumbledore's office.

Before I could think, I knocked and he asked me to step inside.

Dumbledore glanced at me with worry. My eyes were probably still red, but I had to do something instantly, and now I knew what. Sirius wouldn't want to see me, but I had to try and make up for what I did.

"Anything you need to talk with me about?" Dumbledore's voice calmed me down.

I nodded. "Padfoot, err, the new student whose name we can't know, he... I said something. I did something. And it really upset him." I gulped. "I think... that... I'm worried about him."

His eyes tried to find mine, but I couldn't make eye contact. Was this how Sirius felt?

"I appreciate your concern."

I took a shaky breath. "Could you... maybe call his parents. I don't think he wants to see me right now, but... could you just make sure he's okay?"

Dumbledore offered me a half-smile. "I will. He's lucky to have a friend like you."

I nodded but didn't say anything, and quickly left. Though I only just made it out of the school before I sat down against the wall. I took a few shaky breaths and tried to calm myself. But I felt so alone. And my own sadness was only overweighted by how Sirius felt. I was his friend. He trusted me and I betrayed him.

Friends were supposed to tell each other everything, but they weren't supposed to pressure each other into doing something they clearly weren't okay with.

.:lll:.

I had been laying in bed for two full days. It was unclear whether I was ill, or just feeling bad emotionally. It could be because I hadn't eaten well, or hadn't been drinking enough. It could be from the lack of sunshine and from missing my friends.

James and Peter hadn't thought much of me being sick, but when Sirius didn't show up, they became worried. I told them I had upset him and he ran away. Which was completely true. But I didn't feel like it fully explained what happened. The amount of panic in his voice still haunted me.

Maybe I was sick because I was an awful person.

I hugged myself as I lay in bed, wishing I could go back in time and not be such an idiot. A car pulled up to the house. It was probably my mum. Hope Lupin. Hope was exactly what I needed because I couldn't think about the thing I was afraid Sirius had done.

There was a light knock on my door, and my mom entered. Her hair was amber - more than mine - and it was very long. I had always thought she was beautiful. Unlike the mess, I was right now.

"Hi honey," she said gently and sat down on my bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Bad," I mumbled.

She placed her hand on my forehead. "Have you eaten anything today?" I shook my head. "Do you want anything?" I shook my head again. My mom sighed. "Remus you'll have to eat something, otherwise you'll never feel better."

I didn't deserve to feel better.

I didn't answer. She wouldn't understand. She would probably just say something like 'it's not your fault' which it most certainly was. My direct actions had hurt him. And although my intentions had been good, my methods hadn't.

"I bought chocolate cake," she tempted.

My stomach growled, but I shook my head again. I hated to turn it down because her worry would only increase, but I couldn't eat before I knew Sirius was okay.

"Remus, please tell me what's wrong, I only want to help," she said gently. I felt tears came back and drew closer into myself. I only wanted to help, but...

She stroked my cheek and then raised herself from my bed. "I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything. Is there something, in particular, you want for dinner?"

I shook my head once more and she quietly left the room. The room I stayed in for a whole week. Every day my guilt grew. I had to know he was okay. I had to apologize. Even someone else telling him I was sorry would do.

After one week, James and Peter came by to visit again. I had only seen them when they asked what happened to Sirius, and when I asked them to tell me if he came back, though they refused and said I should see for myself. Otherwise, we had only met through text where they begged me to come to school.

Despite my protests, my mom had let them in, thinking they might make me feel better.

"Hi, Remus-"

"Stop."

Peter sighed. "Stop yourself! You haven't been in school for a whole week! Slughorn asked us to come and talk to you. He's worried cause his favourite student isn't showing up. With good reason. You haven't ever missed a math class."

I didn't laugh despite his efforts. Had I really been laying in bed a whole week?

"Remus, we're here to tell you that Padfoot was at school today," James exclaimed.

I immediately sat straight up. "What?!"

"He is back. And he asked for you" Peter quickly said.

My heart started pounding, but in a good way. He was back. He was actually back. Honestly, I thought a week ago would be the last time I ever saw him. And he had asked for me.

I could apologize!

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

Good for you Rem. Remember to review and like :D