Double Sided

Debby

***once again, just awhile after the accident***

The house was so empty without him. Jenna stayed over most nights, but the ones that she left were the hardest. There were no distractions from it all. I got out of the shower and put my hair up in a towel while I got dressed. I blow dried my hair and brushed my teeth then went back to our room. I looked around, seeing everything he had made me miss him more. He's not gone, but he's not here. That hurts. I can't let go because he's still breathing and thinking, but it's so hard to hand on because I don't get to talk to him or sleep by him. I glanced around the room and picked up his black hoodie from the dresser. I slid it on. It still smelt like him.

I laid in the bed watching the minutes pass by on the clock. I held the neck of his sweatshirt to my face. "Deep breaths. It'll be okay." I whispered to myself. Josh taught me a lot of ways to deal with my anxiety. One night while he was on tour in Japan I had called him. I was just really stressed with work and everything and I was telling him how I just wanted him, I wanted to lay down with my boyfriend and watch a movie and forget that the rest of the world exists. He told me to put on one of his hoodies, take a deep breath through my nose and out my mouth, "count five things you can see" he said, and I did. "Four things you can touch. Three things you can hear. Two things you could taste. And one thing you can smell." And I did. It helped, hearing his voice and smelling his hoodie really helped. But now all I have is the hoodie. I kept my breathing slow but the tears still streamed down my face. Eventually I fell asleep.

I woke up to Jenna knocking on my door, we followed our same daily routine. We went to see Tyler and Josh. I didn't particularly want to today, they both looked bad. They both seemed so lifeless. I know Tylers on edge, handling him is like handling a child now. You have to be so careful of what you say because it only takes one wrong word to make him snap. I can't blame him though, this sucks.

I told Jenna I would talk to Tyler, he seemed mad at her. I think he's just mad at the world, they took his best friend away from him. Anyone would be mad if this happened to them. "Hey Tyler?"

"Hmm?" He whispered.

"Can we go talk?"

"I can't leave him."

"He'll be okay. Jenna will stay here with him." I gently touched his shoulder as he glanced up at Jenna who was still in the doorway.

"Okay." He stood up and followed me out the door. We sat in the chairs in the waiting room the silence was comfortable. Then he spoke up, "I'm sorry."

"Tyler you haven't done anything wrong."

"I could've helped."

"You were sick, you had just fainted. No one expected you to go out there." I argued.

"You aren't mad at me?" He locked eyes with me for the first time in a long time.

"Of course not, Tyler. Now, what's going on?"

"I thought you were mad at me too."

"Too?" I questioned.

"Yeah. I know Jenna has to be mad at me. I hurt her." His voice cracked.

"She's not mad at you. Tyler, she forgave you when you apologized the first time."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! I'm positive."

"Then why does she seem upset?"

"She thought you were mad at her."

"I have no reason to be mad at her." He laughed in realization.

"Exactly! What else is going on?"

"I just... he's been so bad. Blurryface, I mean. Josh," He sighed, "Josh was the only person that made him leave. Blurryface was scared of Josh."

"That's why you haven't been talking to us as much. You've been shutting us out just like you use to."

"Yeah. It's just... it's hard to think when-when he's talking too." Tyler seemed timid about the subject, probably hoping that Blurryface wouldn't show up while talking about him.

"I understand. Anything else?" He thought for a moment, glancing from the ground to his arms.

"No, I'm fine." He was not fine.

"Okay." I smiled a small smile and stood up. I pulled him out of the chair. He was unusually light. I pulled him into a hug. "I'm always here for you." I could feel his rib through his clothes. I could wrap my arms around his entire frame.

"Thank you." I let go of him and we walked back to the room.

"I'm so, so, so sorry, Jen." He kissed Jennas shoulder.

"It's okay." She smiled as he laid on her shoulder. I took a seat on the edge of Josh's bed. "Go try to eat something while we are here, okay?" Tyler just nodded his head and left the room.

___present day
"Tyler just texted me." I sat across from Jenna.

"What did he say?" I asked.

"Josh moves a few times last night while I was talking to him, he even grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I ended up getting a full nights sleep for the first time in awhile, even ate some breakfast this morning. Thinking things are looking up a bit. Come by if you want." Jenna looked up to me and I was smiling ear to ear.

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go see them." I pulled her out of the seat and we left for the hospital. We made it to Josh's room and there was an unusual sense of happiness.

"Hey." Tyler smiled at us.

"Hi." I sat on my usual spot on the edge of the bed and Jenna sat beside Tyler.

"How are you two?" He kept smiling.

"Okay I suppose." Jenna answered.

"About the same." I eyed Tyler. "How are you?"

"I'm," He took a deep breath, "I'm good. Well maybe not good but, I'm better-ish."

"That's good." Jenna looked to me and smiled.

"Very good." I changed my look to Tyler. "I was thinking that maybe we could all go out to eat today. We all need to get out of here for awhile. Especially you, Tyler."

"What if he-"

"Please?" I asked him.

"Okay." He shook his head smiled. "Let's go then." He pulled me and Jenna up. "My two best girls making sure I'm taken care of."

"Of course." I laughed. It's amazing how such a small improvement with Josh totally changed Tylers mood. Even if it's only for today, it's so, so worth it.
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- Peteywentzy