Nobody Forgets Bill Cipher

Remember When

I hardly remember anything of Yule's funeral, even though the service only just ended. I'm still numb with the shock and realization that he really isn't here anymore.
Yule's mother approaches me after the funeral. She said a few words during the service, though I haven't seen her personally since we told her the news a couple of days ago. She looks at me now with sad eyes and tells me, "I'm so sorry, Bill." She pulls me into her embrace.
It's so... nice. Is this what having a mother feels like? Family used to be such a foreign concept to me, but now it seems almost familiar. "Thank you," I whisper. Is this how Yule felt in the arms of his mother? Loved? Cared for? Did he even realize how good he had it until he lost it all? No. Yule worried more about his family than anyone when he first learned he might die. He would never take his family's love for granted.
"He was the best friend I ever had," I tell her softly, as I pull away from the hug. "He loved you so much."
She smiles, her eyes now both full of sadness and love. "I know. I loved him, too. And I know he cared deeply for you, as well."
"Mom, Uncle Wim wants to talk to us," Tyler walks up and puts a hand on his mother's shoulder. She nods in response and takes his hand in hers. Tyler looks at me for a second, but then reluctantly nods in goodbye, and I am left alone again.
"Bill!" I hear a short exclamation behind me. I turn to see Merrily, who's dressed in a nice black skirt and blouse. Most of our classmates were away on vacation, not able to attend the funeral, though a few texted me their condolences. Merrily is the first to come talk to me, that is, apart from Pacifica. her eyes appear red and puffy, as I'm sure she's been crying.
"I- I heard you were there... when it happened," Merrily mumbles sorrowfully, looking at me with pity. "Was he... in pain?"
I want to lie to her. I want to lie to myself. But I can't bring myself to, not for Yule's sake. "Yes. Very much so," I reply, grief masking my voice. After I sigh, I tell her, "You made him very happy, you know."
"Did I?" She laughs shortly, though it's void of much humor. "He always seemed very jittery around me, didn't he?" she says this more like a statement.
"He liked you a lot, you know." It must be okay to tell her this. I know Yule would want her to know eventually. "I mean, more than a friend."
She gives a broken smile, her eyes welling with tears. "I know, I liked him, too."
I can't say I wasn't aware. Though I do wish they had more time together. That would have made Yule so happy. "I'm so sorry," I tell her quietly. "I feel so guilty. He told me- he told me it was his choice... but he saved me."
"That seems like just the kind of thing he would do," Merrily's smile grows brighter, close to what it used to be. "Hey, do you want me to come over in a couple days? I'm around, and it's better not to go through all this alone. We could hang out, Pacifica, too, if you want. And I also would like to get to know Dipper and Mabel, was it? I know you're very close with them, too."
I smile warmly. "I would love that. Everyone else would, too, I'm sure."
"Good." Without warning, she throws her arms around me. She smells of cinnamon sugar and vanilla. "I'll be here, if you ever need."
"Likewise," I nod as she lets go. As she bids me farewell to go talk to someone else, I feel as if just a little of my emptiness has been filled today.
:::::::::::
I haven't done much since the funeral yesterday. In fact, I've been reflecting on things, and I have asked to be left alone for a while. Now, I realize, perhaps loneliness isn't the best choice for me at this moment.
I hear a knock at the attic door, and I reply in a hoarse voice, "Come in."
The door creaks open to reveal Pacifica, who has been with us since Yule's death. "Hey, how are you doing?" she asks gently, taking a seat next to me on the cot. She takes one look at my hunched self and quickly says, "Sorry. Bad question. I already know."
We sit in silence for a few minutes, and I relish it.
"Remember when we celebrated his birthday together?" I reminisce as I feel like an invisible hand is painfully squeezing my heart. "He was so excited when we showed up at his door with Mabel and Dipper with us."
"I remember," Pacifica answers, looking up at the ceiling. "He said he thought we would be busy with family, because it was Christmas, after all."
"I told him that was ridiculous. I wouldn't miss his birthday for anything. And then we gave him twice as many presents: some for his birthday, the others for Christmas," I smile through the pain of my chest tightening, my stomach turning and twisting.
"Or the time when Merrily told a joke and he laughed so hard that water came out of his nose?" she laughs quietly, remembering.
"He thought he would die of embarrassment that day," I sigh shakily, my hands beginning to tremble. My heart is beating unusually fast, and I'm starting to have trouble breathing. This is all my fault. He's gone because of me.
"Hey, you okay?" I clutch my chest, my heart racing, unusually short of breath, drowning in stress, in guilt. I can't breath. Is this how he felt?
"Bill!" Pacifica shouts as I clutch onto her arm. Am I dying? Oh, galaxies. Is this what it feels like to die? I wheeze uncontrollably, fearful of death, regretfully remembering the horror, the pain I put Yule through.
"I need- air," I plead, panicking as I gasp. "Help."
"I'm getting Ford, okay? Hang on just a moment." She stands up and runs for the door. She looks back at me right before she leaves. "Focus on breathing."
It seems like an eternity before she returns with Ford, and the younger twins also at her heels, though it must have only been less than a minute. My head spins with nausea. I deserve this pain. All of it.
Ford crouches down in front of me and puts his hands on my shoulders. He's so at ease, the contrast between us is astronomical. "There's nothing to be afraid of," he says softly, but confidently. "You're completely safe."
My breathing becomes more erratic. "But he-" I gasp, "wasn't!"
"Bill, I would like for you to take a deep breath. It will be all right. Four seconds in, four seconds out, okay?"
I obey his instructions the best I can, and eventually my breathing becomes close to normal.
"That's it," he says gently. "Good. You're almost there. It's only temporary. Take another slow breath."
I do so, and I suddenly feel so worn out, so irrationally calm, but so afraid all at once.
"There we go," Ford breathes out, standing back up.
Mabel looks at me with worry as she, Dipper, and Pacifica approach my side. "Are you okay? Pacifica said you were having a panic attack." Mabel takes my hand in hers.
Ford nods. "I'm impressed she recognized the symptoms."
Pacifica shrugs. "A friend of mine used to have them, but another friend handled them with her. I... mostly forgot what to do. That's why I got you." She looks down, looking a bit embarrassed.
"No, you did exactly the right thing," Ford assures her. He looks at me now. "Are you feeling better now?"
Mentally and physically, I'm not, but at least I don't feel like I'm dying anymore. "I'm fine, thanks," I say in a low voice.
"If you're not, we can help, you know," Dipper says, looking out the window. "Most of us are not okay right now."
"Yeah," I reply. I know. And it's absolutely killing me.