Nobody Forgets Bill Cipher

Selfishness And Selflessness

Soon after the whole floating plate ordeal, Yule 'pulls' me aside, telling me he needs to talk to me. The two of us retreat to the attic as everyone else continues to chat amiably downstairs.
"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" I ask as we sit down on one of the beds.
Yule looks fidgety and distressed, a completely different demeanor than he had earlier.
"Something's been bugging me ever since I became like... this." Yule looks down at his transparent form. "You see, I've been wondering..." he bites his lip, looking afraid to say what he wants to. "If saving your life hadn't been beneficial to everyone else- I mean, if we hadn't depended on you to defeat those fiends... ugh, this is hard to phrase... If the demons would have certainly been sucked back into their portal after killing you, would it still be selfless for me to give my life for yours?" He looks at me, his eyes filled with worry.
I am taken aback. "What? Well, sure, I gue-"
"No!" he shouts in response, looking away. "If I saved your life by dying myself, I wouldn't have to experience any grief at all, whereas you..."
"I suppose I see what you're saying," I reply carefully.
     "I knew I would hurt so many people if I died," Yule suddenly sobs, "but in that moment, all that mattered was you and everyone else." He takes a deep, shaky breath, even though I can figure that he doesn't need to breathe anymore. "Would dying in your place only for you be selfish? I would leave you with so much pain..." Tears fill his eyes. "It was either me or you. If you had no power to make those demons go away, wouldn't it be selfish for me to die instead of you? And if we had been in that situation-" his breath hitches, "what would I have chosen?"
     I sigh and look out the window. "I... don't think there is a right answer..."
     "How could there not be?" he asks, concern tracing every edge of his trembling voice. "If selfishness and selflessness are complete opposites, how can the answer be nonexistent?"
     "I think..." I pause, thinking, not wanting to say the wrong thing. "I think we have to decide that for ourselves. In that moment, Yule, how did you feel, past your fear and quick action?"
     "Like you were the only thing that mattered- you were our only shot, you know," he answers at once.
     "So you're saying that if I wasn't our only shot... I see."
He flops onto his back on the bed. "I hate this. But I don't mind it at the same time. It's weird. It's really weird."
"I can imagine," I answer softly. There is silence between us for a moment. "I think I have your answer," I suddenly say, and Yule turns, looking at me expectantly. "If you went in to saving me, saving any of us, for that matter, with the belief that you didn't want to hurt anyone, that you would rather take the hurt, and this would be the way to do that, then your act would be completely selfless.
"If you went into it with the mindset that, 'well, it has to be one of us, so it might as well be me so I get hurt for him now and don't have to experience the pain afterward, then I'd consider that to be selfish. But I understand you, Yule. I know that you would never associate with the latter. You are aware of the pain of others. You don't let your own wants get in the way. So, I believe that whatever circumstance we may have been in in that moment, you would have made a selfless decision, no matter what that choice was." I look him straight in the eye. "But you don't have to worry about this, because it never happened, okay?"
Yule looks shocked with my answer. "That was... really profound," he concludes with awe. "Thank you."
"So, anything else bothering you, or is everything else well in the world of Yule?" I lean back against the headboard and ask.
"Well, if the world of Yule means being dead, a ghost, and a being that can only be seen by a few friends, then yeah, I'd say life is just grand." His voice has a hint of a bitter tone to it, something I've never heard in it before.
"Hey, I'm sorry," I tell him quickly. "I didn't mean for it to come out like that."
He sighs and looks away. "I know. I'm sorry, too."
     I want the old Yule back. The Yule that had not a worry in the world. The Yule that smiled and laughed without hinderance. The Yule that completely enjoyed life, no matter how bad or tough it became.
     This new Yule is sad and lonely. This Yule is full of regrets. This Yule tries to look past his sorrows, but his remorse still lingers no matter how hard he tries to push it away.
     But he's still my best friend. No matter how much he changes, how bad or good he feels, he will always he Yule. Yule. There is nothing that will change that.
     "But you're still you," I voice my thoughts with a gentle smile. "You are still my best friend. Nothing that happens can ever change that. Nothing that you do, nothing that I feel, nothing that happens, you will still be Yule, and Yule is my best friend, and I only want the best for him."
     Tears suddenly spring to Yule's eyes, and his lips twist into a grimace as he struggles to keep himself composed. "What I said earlier-" his voice breaks, "it wasn't completely true." His hand covers his mouth as he continues, "I didn't just save you for everyone else and you. All that was running through my head in that moment was that you were about to die. Like really, truly die. I panicked big time. I didn't save you to save myself from the pain. No. That wasn't why at all. It was fight or flight, I made a decision in a split second. I jumped before I knew it. But I know I made a decision. I jumped so you wouldn't have to die. We had so much life ahead of us- in that moment, all I wanted was for you to keep living yours. And I needed you to remember that that decision was my choice."
"Hey, that was brave of you to do," I assure him firmly. "But I've been wondering... do you regret your choice now?"
Yule's expression changes. He seems less agonized now. "In that moment, I wondered if I would. But... the answer is no. I don't regret it. I regret so many other things, but saving your life may have been one of the best decisions I ever made. At least, that's how I really feel in my heart."
"And yet, here I am with insane regret over not being able to save yours."
"Man," he laughs, short and soft. "We're really messed up, huh?" That familiar smile returns to his face, behind all the pain.
I feel the corners of my own mouth being pulled into a smile, too. "I guess so."
This is the moment I realize I haven't really lost him. Yule is still here. And he is still Yule.
He may have lost his life, but he will never lose who he truly is.