John
Home for the holidays.
Sofia and I still keep in touch on birthdays and holidays but that's it. I once tried to strike a conversation through text but she didn't respond to it.
I can't blame her.
More and more I wanted to apologize in person. I could easily set it up, I know. But... then what? Be friends? I don't think that would cut it.
If all I wanted was peace of mind and make amends, maybe the best thing for me to do was let Sofia live her life.
But there was this nagging, unsettled feeling.
I had doubts about fate, destiny but I did have my faith. And on Christmas, I prayed out to the heavens
I know I screwed up big time but I am confused. What do I do? I hate myself for hurting Sofia but I don't want to keep her on and string her along... but a commitment is something I don't know if I can give.
I also talked to Donna about it.
"Ano ba kasing problem mo sa commitment?"
"One partner for the rest of your life, who depends on you for everything? That's a pretty big ask isn't it?"
Donna pursed her lips. "Yup. Pretty stupid concept coming from you, too."
"Huh?"
"I wonder if all the movies or books you read portray women as weaklings," sitting closer to me, she continued. "Find a partner. That means, kaya niya yung sarili niya. Hindi niya iaasa sa yo yung buhay niya. Swerte mo kung piliin ka niya."
I frowned, taking it in.
"So, yes. One for the rest of your life. It will take work to make her keep falling in love and choosing you, you know."
"Donna, paano kung pumalpak ako? What if I fail?"
"Define failing."
"Na hindi magwork. Maghiwalay din."
"Make it work! Effort-an mo the same way sa work mo. Mahirap? Oo. But like you always say, it's a matter of choice. Choose her and panindigan mo."
She paused to think then said, "Pero may mga bagay na dapat sinusukuan talaga ha? Yung mga abuse or toxic na, ganun. Pero yung takbuhan yung gusto mo kasi takot ka? Ambobo nun, man.""
left more confused. So, I decided to take a walk.
I stopped because the lights for pedestrians were still red. After a bus had passed, I checked the light and right beside it, with an expression as surprised as mine, was Sofia.
Again, things seemed to go in slow motion.
She crossed, briefly said hi to me and then kept walking the opposite direction from where I was going.
I looked back. The pedestrian light was still green but it was already blinking. Counting down 10 seconds...
I turned to where Sofia was. It wasn't near, but I could still see her.
5 seconds.
I stepped onto the road.
Saan nga ba ako pupunta?
I stepped back onto the pavement.
The lights changed to red and I turned and ran. "Sofia!!!"
She couldn't hear me. Damn car horns.
RUN!
"SOFFFFFFIIIIIAAAAAAAAAA!"
She stops and turns and I almost fall on my knees. "John! Are you okay?"
"Yes, I... I just wanted to tell you something." I spat out, still out of breath.
"You could have called."
I shook my head. "No, no."
"Okay. So what is it?" She asked, an amused smile on her face.
"Uh... your hair."
"Huh?"
"Your hair."
"My hair?" She asked, puzzled.
"It's lighter than when I last saw you."
She giggled uncomfortably. "Oookay. You ran all this was to say that?"
"Yes. It's nice. Bagay sa'yo. And uh, no, actually... I..."
Glancing at her watch, she said, "I have to go. I have a meeting in half an hour."
"Okay, sige." When she started to move, I asked, "Can I walk with you?"
I didn't know the details on how to make amends yet, but I knew I had to walk her way because this may be the last time our roads intersect.
