Sofia
May batang confused.
Ako yun, by the way.
Siyempre, ayoko naman umasa na naman. But, I have to admit na-cute-an ako sa effort nung pa-concept paper pa! And yung declaration that he has long term plans.
At the same time, alam ko that long distance is a big hurdle and I honestly don't know how that's going to affect this. Hindi nga kasi siya mahilig mag email and even if he committed to exert effort this time, hindi ko pa din alam anong mangyayari.
The following weekend, he passed by because he was heading back to the States that night.
"I'm flying out later. I forgot to tell you, sorry. Pasensya na. I don't know what I should and shouldn't inform you."
I smiled. "Thanks for letting me know."
"Wala bang clue kung ano yung mga dapat ko ipaalam sayo?"
Eh bakit ang cute? I thought about it. "Things like your flight details, of course. Kapag travel to the office, relatives... optional, I guess? Same with friends, except... maybe if there are a lot of women or an ex?"
He made notes. "If you don't mind me asking, selosa ka ba?"
"A little, especially when I don't know yet where I stand. I get better when I'm secure na."
He nodded.
"I don't need to know when you go to the bathroom, by the way."
He laughed. "Got it. No pooping schedule needed."
"Why? Have you had girlfriends that needed to know that?!"
"No, but there was one time, nagagalit yung girl if I took too long to reply eh ang excuse ko lang is nasa banyo ako," he shared. "Since then, either dadalhin ko phone ko sa banyo or I would just tell her when I'd go para bawas away."
He stopped abruptly. "Oh shoot, did I share too much about my ex? Bawal yun di ba?"
I smiled, reassuringly. "It's okay this time. I asked naman eh." I checked my watch. "Shouldn't you be heading to the airport already?"
"It's close from here, so I have a more time. Do you mind if I stay a little bit?"
When it was time for him to go, I couldn't help but feel a bit lonely.
Sad because he was leaving.
A little scared because I wasn't sure if he would keep his word this time and keep in touch.
Confused at how fast I have developed an affinity for this person I swore to hold at a distance.
Speculative about when I would see him again... or "if".
Dear Internal Organs, wala ba kayong debate ngayon? Help me sort this out!
Their consensus: Wala. Malungkot din kami.
*
John told me what time he would be arriving, so I was surprised when I checked my phone and found a message from in my online messaging app.
"I got wifi on the plane! How are you? I'm bored. Flying for 8 more hours."
I smiled. "I thought you like to read on the plane?"
"Halfway through my current one and I need a break. What are you doing?"
"Surfing through the internet and resting my brain. So, tell me... if you'll go travelling, where do you want to go next?"
It took him some time to reply so I thought he had lost his connection. Going back to watching random things on YouTube, I was surprised when his message came in. "Africa. Parang exciting to be that close to the wild!"
"Hindi ba nakakatakot? Baka pag-gising mo may lion nang nakatingin sa yo?"
"Ayaw mo nun? Si Simba the Lion King ang una mong makikita sa umaga?"
"Hindi ko pinangarap maging Adobong Sofia."
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He sent and I could almost hear his laugh and see him throw his head back. "Nagulat tuloy sa akin yung Flight Attendant."
I saw the symbol that he was typing.
"So ayaw mo sa ganun? If I invite you, hindi ka sasama?"
"Hmmm... I am interested... but I'm also quite terrified. So the answer is... hindi ko alam."
"Okay, got it. Afraid of animals and afraid of people," he said.
I was surprised that he had picked up on that. "How did you know I was afraid of people?"
"I noticed before. Iba ka when we went to the Hamptons with a group compared to when we'd go out na tayo lang. Then, I asked Donna," he shared.
"Yes. We're very different. You like crowds, don't you?"
He said yes. "Is that a bad thing?"
"No. Just please don't expect me to be in many parties? I really don't manage it well. But yung few times is okay."
"Sure. I understand. Pero willing ka talaga sumama minsan?"
"Yes. Just... uhm basta. I'll tell you sometime."
It was one of my vulnerabilities. At a party, people mingle and people like me tend to be left to fend for ourselves. It's not bad to mingle and I don't mean to make myself sound like an abandoned child, but it wasn't one of my best moments and takes me awhile to adjust.
Knowing John liked parties and how he left me in the shadows before, I didn't want to make him feel like he had to adjust to me but would appreciate if he didn't leave me behind.
I would share it, just not today.
That thought got me thinking, would I ever learn to trust him again? Or will the things that happened in the past keep me from going all in with this?
But can you blame me for my hesitation?
My brain: Of course not! Understandable yan. Now, end the conversation na. Pahabol ka muna ng konti.
My heart: Kausapin pa natin siya! Miss na natin kahit ilang hours pa lang siya wala.
My brain: Arte mo, Ate Girl.
My heart: Belat.
"Nababaliw na yata ako."
