Jacob
We go out for coffee a few times already. She is funny as hell, but yung mga comment ko madalas binabara niya.
"Ganda ng color ng blush mo today. I remember may pinabili sa akin dati, its shade is Orgasm."
Sabina rolled her eyes. "Okay."
"Ang ganda ng makeup mo. You look even more beautiful."
"Wala akong perang pambayad sayo."
"Ganda ng dress mo. You look like the sun was shining on you."
"Masyadong bright? Wag kang tumingin dito."
Ang hirap kausap nitong babaeng ito.
Plus, I couldn't gauge her reactions. The other day, we had coffee, but nung uwian na, hindi man lang nakapag goodbye sa akin. Was that too much to ask kapag close na?
We were close, right?
Nope. She goes on to tell me, "When I feel comfortable with someone, I'm more tactile. Otherwise, I keep my distance."
Okay, noted. Hindi niya ako hinahawakan EVER. Kahit mapapatid na siya sa daan, she'll walk on her own. "Kaya 'to ng paa ko."
But I noticed subtle changes. Minsan nanghihingi na siya ng pasalubong. She would also respond to my text messages or DMs and our conversations got deeper.
Honestly, I learn so much from her and am amazed at her perspective in life. She's older than I am and I wonder if this wisdom comes with her age.
I really like being around her and I intend to get as close as I can.
Sabina
I found that I was having to constantly remind myself that all of what he was doing to me was just friendly - or that he just wanted to get into my skirt.
Either way, I needed to stay away.
But then, I found myself enjoying the conversations more and more. And slowly, I was curious about picking his brain on things.
One time, we even discussed our beloved grandparents. His grandmother was rushed to the hospital; mine passed away recently.
"Do you ever wonder about how you'd go?" He asked.
I nodded. "Oh yeah. But I just pray it's fast for me. Having seen how my lola suffered from her illness, I prayed that I don't go through that. I know it's sounds selfish but I'm scared and I hope mabilis lang yung sa akin."
"I hope I live long tapos one day, kapag time na, I just won't wake up," Jacob shared.
"I hope I don't live very long. I think I'm more afraid of growing old and being a burden," I said.
"Ano ka ba. You won't be a burden."
"Basta, if I had a choice, I hope for an amazing but short life."
"Don't say that. It makes me sad."
I rolled my eyes. "Kasi?"
"Wala! Ayokong isipin yung ganun about you!"
I rolled my eyes at Jacob again. "One, ano naman paki mo sa buhay ko. Who knows if we still speak by then? Two. WHAT IF... ikaw yung patay na?"
"HUY! Bibig mo!"
I laughed out loud at his reaction. "Pakialamero kasi."
More and more, he started to say those things about being in my future.
When we discussed the topic of marriage, he mentioned that he wasn't ready. "Hindi pa din naman gusto nung girlfriend ko. And I don't know. Matagal pa for me. You?"
I was at least a decade older than he was. "I don't want to marry. I'm happier with myself and I'm good with just me."
He frowned. "Ganun? But are you open to companionship?"
"Hmmm what do you mean?"
"Like... if someone wants to take care of you?"
"Parang caregiver?" I joked, deflecting what I knew he was getting into again.
"Nooooo. Ano ka ba. Basta, parang... friend. Ganun."
"Oo naman. Wala namang kaso dun."
I knew things were changing for me. The pasalubong when he'd go out and then return to the office, getting me coffee, these kinds of chats... they were melting my heart.
"I'm headed back to the office. Meet me at the pantry so I can see your pretty face naman. I miss it na."
Or
"I cooked dinner for you. I'll give it later and then take it home. Let me know what you think!"
I started to flirt back. Oo mali.
Initially, I said I'm just being appreciative but eventually I knew iba na.
"You look great today," I would comment.
"You too. Your lips look so yummy."
I noticed he also started sitting a lot closer to me, and there would barely be any distance between us when we walked.
Then, one day... another colleague asked me out for dinner after work. I was chatting with Jacob when he asked if I could go with him to the mall to look at some furniture pieces he was eyeing. "I saw your post of that console table you got and I wanted your opinion."
"Ah, naku I can't tonight. I'm going out with someone."
"Who?"
I told him. He made a face, looked like he wanted to say something, then decided against it.
Eh matigas ulo ko. I pushed it... para magkaalaman na. "What is it?"
Jacob sighs. "Medyo nagselos ako. Pero alam ko naman wala akong right and I really shouldn't."
Something about the way he said it ticked me off. It was as if it were his hint that he would never choose me - and though I didn't see this as a long term thing, it still stings.
"What is this nga ba, Jacob?"
"Friendship."
Ah wow. Pero may date kami this coming Valentine's day? Ano 'to.
I couldn't understand what he was still saying but I caught:
"Alam mo naman that I have limitations and can't give you want I want sana to give you."
Ano daw?
"I want to give you all of my time. But I can't and I feel bad. In another life, maybe we could..."
"Puñeta. Wag kang madrama." I blurted out cutting him off. "The short of it is, you won't leave your girlfriend and all of this, with me, is just sideshow. Noted. Thanks. Cancel all our plans."
Then, I walked out. Baka makasakit ako ng tao eh.
