Paolo
That was the last time I saw her in Singapore.
I naively thought that we could go back to being friends but it was not so. Look, I agonized over my decision that night. It was an unexpected and amazing development and an amazing and extremely arousing kiss I never thought I would share with her.
I also knew that meant a commitment I couldn't give her.
I distinctly remember that night. At one point during the kiss, we somehow ended up in her bed and we took a breath, looked at each other and smiled. At that moment, I thought, I need to go home to Manila with her.
When I got home to my place, I recalled that thought then checked my phone — work messages and emails. I wasn't ready to head back and I didn't want a long distance relationship.
Was I selfish? Yes. Did I want to hurt her? No.
I called numerous times, left messages at their receptionist, and even tried sending emails. All of them went unanswered. I wanted to drop by to visit, but unless she sent word to let me up, I wouldn't be allowed in.
Weeks later, I knew she was scheduled to leave in a few days so I kept sending messages like:
When's your exact flight out?
Do you need any help?
Do you need me to bring you to the airport?
The only response I got was on a Thursday night, she sent: Boarded. Taking off in a few minutes.
Pauline told me a few days later that our families had lunch, so at least I got confirmation that she arrived safely. Based on her stories, it doesn't look like Arra told her anything. So I kept my mouth shut as well and decided then to just stay away.
The next time I sent her a message was her birthday.
I know you probably don't want to hear from me but I just wanted to greet you a happy, happy birthday! You deserve all the best in life, R. I hope one day you could find it in your heart to forgive me. Please know that you will always be important to me no matter what.
No reply.
Sabi nga nila, these days ang term dun ay "seen-zoned".
When I went home for the holidays that year, I barely saw her. During the Christmas period, her mom told me that Arra went to their province already.
For our annual neighbourhood New Year party, she stayed at the opposite end of every room we found ourselves in and then leaving the party early.
I told Pauline to give her my gift. "Pakibigay na lang sa kanya. Baka hindi ko na kasi maabutan before I head back to Singapore." Pauline looked at me curiously, but said nothing.
"I honestly thought you would never forgive me," I said, looking at her now.
"I honestly thought I would never forgive you," she nodded in agreement. "But then, who would bribe me with gold coins?!"
It was more than that, we both knew. She was truly, truly a good person and I was lucky. There was no drama. Just one day, she decided to send a message: Happy Easter, Pong. Bati na tayo. I don't want o stay mad at you. Belated thanks for my charm bracelet. I love the ice cream charm.
I remember the tightness in my chest finally loosened and I seemed to be able to take in air again.
Thank you, Arra. That means a lot to me.
I know. You owe me 10,000 gold coins
Hindi ka kaya magka-diabetes nun?!
Nagrereklamo ka ba? Gusto mo galit na lang ulit ako? She teased.
Through the help of friends, I made sure she got her 10,000 gold coins.
"Why?" I asked her as we headed home.
"Anong why?"
"Why did you forgive me? I was a jerk."
She seemed to think about it for awhile. Finally, she said, "Primarily, I did it for me. I had to forgive myself first for taking the risk of kissing you. I should have known it could go either way. Also, I never liked carrying anger for that long."
"Hey, no, don't blame yourself."
"It's not that. I just had to forgive myself for all of it. Then, when I got there, I realized tama din naman. I don't think it would have worked out for us so sayang yung friendship. And when I got to that point, I remembered everything we went through before that. Parang sayang to just let it go. I realized, you are important to me, too, Mister Popong."
Just before she got out of my car, "Are you sure you don't need help carrying your groceries up?"
"Nope! I'm good. Ingat ka pauwi!"
"Arra?"
"What?"
"Thank you for forgiving me. Thanks for being here. Still."
She made a face. "Ang drama! Tama na nga 'to."
"Hindi lang ako makapaniwala na may bait pala yang maitim mong puso."
Arra stuck her tongue out. "Heh. Panget mo. Babye."
When I arrived at my place, I noticed that she had sent a message. "Mabait talaga ako. But sana, you learn to forgive yourself, too."
"I'll be better but I will forever regret hurting you, R."
"Good. Yun naman talaga gusto ko. Kunyari lang yung gusto ko magmove on ka. Matulog ka na and think of your kasalanan further ha?"
