The Rivalry (Lost Memories)

Kabanata 24

Spy

"Ija, matulog ka na muna kahit saglit lang." payo ni Mommy ng maalimpungatan siya at nakita akong nakasandal lamang sa head board ng kama.

Madaling araw na kami nakarating sa Manila. Minabuti naming gabi lumuwas para makaiwas sa kahit ano.

Am I escaping again? Iyon ang paulit-ulit kong tanong sa sarili. Makailang ulit ko bang tatakasan lahat ng mga bagay na nakakapanakit sa akin para lang maging ligtas ngunit sa bawat pag-iwas ko ba ay natuto ba ako? O natututo lamang ako maging duwag.

Everywhere is dangerous. Sa Davao man o dito sa Manila ay delikado parin para kay AA. Kaya naman I am keeping him beside me so I can watch over him. Something a mother like me can do. 

After all, I will reveal everything soon.

"Do you think he will believe me?"

Kanina ko pa inoorganisa ang paraan ng pagpapaliwanag ko. I made up my mind at hindi na magbabago iyon. I will go to work and talk to Andrei.  I will tell him everything. Kung gustong niyang makita si AA then I will allow him, that is my plan. 

"He will be for sure." She assured me.

"What if hindi siya maniwala?" Natatakot ako.

My mother laughed about my last question. Kahit madilim pa at ang lampshade sa side table lang ang nagbibigay liwanag sa kwarto ko, kitang kita ko ang ekspresyon niya. She thinks I'm joking.

"AA is the exact resemblance of Andrei. Kahit sinong makakita, hindi na magtatanong kung mag-ama ba talaga sila." Paliwanag niya.

I knew it. Hindi maitatagong anak ni Andrei si Andreius. A carbon copy ika nga sa hiram na salita. Ngunit hindi ko parin maiwasang kabahan.

"What if.. what if he ask for DNA?"

Hindi ko ata kakayanin kapag nangyari iyon. Dumaan man ang maraming taon, wala akong ibang minahal kundi si Andrei lamang. I gave him everything. He is the first man that I love not until I have AA. Kaya maaapakan ang pagiging babae ko kapag nagkataon na hingiin niya iyon saakin.

Asking for DNA means he is doubting the love I once have for him. Cruel as it may seem and painful as how it may get. 

"Will that be okay for you? As your mother, masasaktan ako.. At alam namin ng Daddy mo na kasalanan namin kaya ka nahihirapan ngayon. If only we can change what happened, Allona. Kung pwede lan namin baguhin ang nangyari to make AA happy.."

"Mommy.." I stopped her from saying something about it again.

She reached for my hand. Umusog siya kaunti para mahawakan iyon at hindi magising si AA na nasa gitna naming dalawa.

"I know you are tired about this but I won't get tired of saying it over and over.. I am really sorry, ija. Seeing the outcome of what we did was painful. You closed your heart for anyone. AA doesn't have the chance to grow up with a father. Ngayon we are dealing with more issues. Bilang ina, nagsisisi ako dahil ako ang may gawa nito. I want you to have a complete family of your own, anak."

She paused. Mas lalong humigpit ang hawak niya ng marinig ko siyang suminghap.

"I forgive you, mom. When I first touched AA, from that moment I came to understand you. I will protect my child at any cost like what you did to me." Paninigurado ko.

Through the years, I know how regretful my parents were. Ganoon rin si Tito Andres kay Andrei. Kaya naman pakiramdam ko magiging ganoon rin ako kay AA kapag pinatagal ko pa ang pagkikita nilang mag-ama.