dialogue

sorry

i saw you and i was in shock

at first i wanted to be cold

so many saturdays and sundays we'd be so cold

well i'd be cold and you'd reciprocate and i knew it hurt you

it hurt me

i loved you so much

i love you so much

and we did our thing

"why are you acting like that?"

"like what?" and your face turned sour

and then we hugged

and we talked like we never stopped talking

and i genuinely laughed and after you left i couldn't stop smiling

and even our crappy coworker couldn't bother me

"i feel bad i got him fired" that shit just flew over my head

two weeks... that's how long you said it'd take to be over

to when we'd get back to us.

but there is no us

there was no us

there was you. there was me. and periodically we'd be together

i miss the ease. the comfort. we got each other.

but i know right know i am idealizing

because i was in so much pain. i remember losing sleep, having anxiety attacks, really questioning myself over you

and we weren't even dating. i don't even know if i could call you my friend

you weren't, you aren't reliable

you brought out some real insecurities in me, an ugly side that was so mean to you

but i was all the truth

all said in love and pain.

you did everything i said you'd do, and i was right from the beginning

and now i want to take that energy into myself, into my education, into my e-board, into my friendships, into my family, into my career, into my love for myself.

so much love

i gave you so much that i left none for myself

had no energy 

no more mental capacity to think

only a cycling feedback loop of you