dialogue

trances

lily: do you ever just lose yourself?

josh: what do you mean?

lily: like sometimes, my brain goes on autopilot, filling in things, i get so lost

josh: you mean daydreaming? doesn't everyone do that?

lily: i guess, but mine is more intense, it used to happen to me alot when i was younger, i'd forget my name and where i was and like how i got there and that i was a human being and that one day i'd die, then all of it would come rushing back and all my senses would flood back

josh: you'd just.. forget?

lily: yeah, like for a while it'd be so serene this little time of just being, just existing, and i'd never intentionally try to space out it would just happen and it'd make me forget everything for a little while and i could just be. just for a little, it was the weirdest, most calming thing in the world, i wasn't worried and it was where everything was okay, i guess i believed i could have that peace, that serenity so much i'd like put myself in a trance

josh: that's crazy, it sounds amazing and terrifying

lily: it was both. when i forgot it was amazing, but when i snapped back into reality, i'd feel so sad and want to cry knowing that i'd die one day, i don't know why that was what i thought, i'd be surprised to realize where i was and it'd take me a couple of seconds to recall my name and say i'm lily, i'd laugh and say i'm lily, a human duh, and then it'd hit me, i'm a human which implies mortality meaning i'm going to die and then it'd rush over me all the bad things i could ever recall wouldn't even match up to the overwhelming sadness i'd feel

it'd shook me up pretty badly

josh: when did this used to happen?

lily: when i was 7 or 8 around that time, but i used to still have them then they'd start becoming less intense then they just stopped

josh: that's kind of good, though right? atleast you don't have to be scared anymore

lily: i'm still scared, but now i just try to accept it and understand it versus just ignoring it

i kind of miss the trance, i mean afterwards was terrible i'd just want to bawl and hide in my bed, but then i'd realize how at peace i was

josh: don't you wish you could just be in the trance?

lily: i don't think it'd be the same, i think you'd just have to have both, not one or the other

josh: i think we all yearn for that, being able to slip away from reality

lily: indeed, i'm just waiting for the day when reality is better than my fantasies