The start

That's real

I went out of Hilltop. Told them I am out on a run but really I'm just out here because I belong out here. Daryl wasn't back yet. Apparently he went out with Rosita on a run. I noticed those two together lately. I know what it is. Maybe I'm overthinking things and maybe some thing is going on. Right now I can't think. Finally got off the path wandering in the woods. At this point I was lost but really I was already lost to begin with. Lost with Hilltop. Lost with Daryl. Lost with myself. Lost with my feelings. Lost my head.

I could see a herd of Walkers coming toward me, about 5. I was debating whether or not I should take it. Instead of going after them, I climbed the nearest tree to wait it out. After what I went through at the sanctuary, I never wanted to kill unless I had to. I was scared to get my hands dirty and face the people I loved. We've all killed either it was walkers or people. I just didn't want to be a monster anymore. 

I could see an arrow go straight to the leading Walker. My eyes followed from where the arrow came from. It led me staring at Daryl. Rosita merges from the trees following behind him as she stabs the remaining walkers. They walk past the tree I was hanging from as I drop to the ground. They turn around quickly with their weapons trained on me. A quick second passed as they aim them down.  

"What are you doing out here?" Daryl asked.

"What are you doing out here?" My eyes carry over to Rosita as she scoffs and turns her back to us. She continues walking as Daryl hung back with me.

"I asked you first. What are you doing out here alone?" Daryl looks at me.

"Trying to find myself." I sighed. I sat on a nearby rock as Daryl walks over to me. I rest my face into my hands and rub my temples. I could feel the on coming headache.

"Talk to me." Daryl kneels down and moves my hands.

"You're never there when I want you. You're never there when I need you. What do you expect me to do?" I look him in the eyes. I could feel mine watering up as I blink rapidly.

"Sorry. I am. Rosita and I were trying to find Eugene. He's making bullets for them. We lost him." Daryl says. I nod my head and stand up brushing the back of me off as we head for hilltop.

"You know I love you right? Only you. No one else. You're my rock. My peace. My hell and heaven. You know that." Daryl says as we reach the doors of the hilltop. They open as we walk in.

"I'm just confused. I'm struggling. The dreams there getting to me and I just don't know what's real again." I shake my head as Daryl walks in front of me to stop walking. Doors close as I could feel the wind push me forward. I could feel Daryl's breath on my face as he leans down to kiss me. His lips were attacking mine but I didnt mind it as my arms wrap around his neck. His hands rest on my hips grasping gently. He pulls away for a second so we could catch our breathe.

"That's real." Daryl whispers. I nod my head smiling as I look down at the ground. Yup, that was real. I could hear the footsteps walking toward us as Daryl and I turn to face them as his arm looped around my waist and the other picking up his crossbow. I didnt realize he dropped it. Rick walks up to us with a map.

"Gregory is back. Dwight sent him this map to us. It's coordinates. We're negan's going to be with his men. We're going to attack." Rick says as he hands the map to us. I open it up and look at it. Open area. Good view and not a lot of space to hide.

"You trust him?" Daryl asked. I could feel the heat of anger coming off him as I rest my head on his chest.

"Gonna have to." Rick says as he ushers us to come over. Michonne, Rosita and a few others were gathered around to look it over.

"I'm gonna go clean up. Be back in a bit." I kiss Daryl and head up.

"Don't be long. We're heading out soon." Rick says as I gave him the thumbs up. I head into the house and straight to the bathroom locking myself in. I leaned over the sink and turn it on. I close my eyes and listen to the sound. I reach down scooping some water into my hand and splash my face. It was calming, cooling. I turn it and wipe my face witha towel. I stare into the mirror. Havent seen myself quite a while.ive ganged so much. Even aged. I head out and stay by Daryl.

"You ready?" He asked looking down at me as I shrug my shoulders.

"No, but we have to be." I sighed as the gate opened. We split into groups and head out to where Rick said. I didnt want to see Negan. I didnt want to be triggered.

We made it to a road block some saviors were setting up. They were 'throw aways' thats what Simon and negan would call them. But really it was people that were expendable. Unfortunately. The team attacks them as I hang back. I wasn't ready. I couldnt do These were people I knew back at the sanctuary. Grunts,  completely disposable but they were still people. People with children. People with wives or husbands. People with lives. I couldn't do it. The team looks around to find Negan or another clue to where he is.  I made myself look even though it wasn't something I wanted to find dead or alive. 

"Good people, found something on our quarry." Ezekiel comes up as we gather around he held a paper in his hands.

"What is it?" Michonne asked.  I could feel my self shiver even though I wasn't cold. It was the fact that it could be bad news or news that got us closer to the monster. 

"A list and another map. And what appear to be other facts." Ezekiel says as he unfolds it showing it to Rick.

"They're lining up Saviors on the Old Mill Road. That's where Negan will be." Rick looks at the map closer. 

"We have to get to Negan before they figure out what happened here." Carol says as a few people nod their heads a agree.

"Maggie." Rick pulls out the walkie.

"I'm here." Her voice sounds out from the radio.

"It's time. It was a trap. So we're changing the plan." Rick says as I walk away. I didnt care to hear. I just wanted this to be over.